Information

Lost My Spouse...

Members: 364
Latest Activity: yesterday

Discussion Forum

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Nicole Sep 28.

Comment Wall

Comment

You need to be a member of Lost My Spouse... to add comments!

Comment by joe kelly on September 13, 2018 at 9:20am

Should had read

That takes care of any situation while I'm AWAY FROM home and something happens. If I'm home, no problem, nobody gets called.

Comment by joe kelly on September 13, 2018 at 9:16am

Dear Morgan,

I too so much want to die and be reunited with my love. I pray each night that God has mercy on me and takes me to her; that I don't wake up. Each morning I wake up to the nightmare that she's not here. Every day is groundhog's day for me. I go to the cemetery every day, I come home, try to do something and sometimes I get a little something done and sometimes not. I have four children and eight grandchildren. They are supportive. They know I want to die and why. They understand and had told me that if I did it, they wouldn't blame me. I have the means to painlessly go to sleep and not wake up. Why I'm not is because I won't take the chance that if I do, I won't be reunited with her. If we house our spirit and destroy that house, what happens to the spirit? I don't know. If I knew that It would be reunited with her no matter how I died, I'd be gone already.

I had back an experience in 1982. I've told very few about this but I'll tell it here is case it gives hope to my fellow sufferers. I was hit by a truck and had an OBE. Being a skeptic by nature, I for years, tried to poke holes in it but I KNOW it happened and that is the foundation of my hope for reunification with my wife. I won't go into every detail but I remember it as though it happened a minute ago. I felt no pain; had a blissful feeling like I could stay there forever; looked down on myself lying in the street. Saw things that my body position would had made it impossible to see. Suddenly, a flash about my pregnant wife came to me. I thought to myself, "no, I can't go yet" and dove back into my body. I believe my wife had that experience but her body couldn't take her back while mine was. Hers was eaten away by cancer.

Another, less important reason for me not to do it is that the pain I would cause my children and grandchildren. There's sort of a stigmatism attached to the family when one takes their own life that adds to the pain of the loss.

I'm a smoker and have smoked all my life. I'm 68 years old and not in the best of health, so it's only a matter of time before something kills me. My doctor knows my wishes. He knows I won't treat any cancer, that I don't want to survive any kind of a stroke, that I want a natural death without medical intervention. I have a DNR order and a living will. One of my daughters is my health care agent who will enforce my living will. Actually, the way it is written, my lawyer says if I'm ever brought to the hospital unconscious, they wouldn't touch me. My doctor, after reading the will said this makes it easy. It takes all decision making away from family. I wear a DNR bracelet and dog tags with all info. I carry all docs with me in a second wallet and stated on the tags to give to ER MD. I have it in my doctors and local hospital records. That takes care of any situation while I'm home and something happens. If I'm home, no problem, nobody gets called.

I'm sort of trapped into this world as are you. Yes, I have family which makes your situation more difficult, but our pain is not so different. You've suffered longer than I and I hope not to suffer that long. I've lost 35 pounds in the last 6 months and hope it's undiagnosed cancer. My wife gave her life to and for me and I want to do the same. I will accept the suffering rather than take the slightest chance of not being with her when I go. Whatever you decide to do, my hopes are with you.

Love, Joe

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 13, 2018 at 6:40am

Hi Morgan,

My only support going through the most horrible thing that ever happened to me is this forum.

We all understand and I mean really understand how will our suffering knowing we will never be normal again.

I too have decided that when I lose my precious Babie J, I am through attaching myself to anything or anyone, it hurts to bad.

God Bless everyone on this forum for sharing their thoughts. 

 

Comment by morgan on September 12, 2018 at 6:24pm

Its pretty obvious I'm not sick or crazy because if I am those who responded in kind are too.  Its why I come here and unload because I know that I am going to hear from others with the exact same characteristics of carrying our grief through time and it mimics each others.  

Whats obvious is that we have found our lives to be so far from real but then its too real.  Death defines our new vision of life.  The contradictions.  The conflicts. The constant asking why? and not getting any resolution other than we know our love is gone. Forever.  We will never see, hear or hold them again here on this earth.  So why am I staying?  I have no children.  My kitty died 2 years after my husband and I cannot attach myself to anything or anyone else because I cannot stand the hurt, any loss or magnified separation.

Monty,  the world will be fine without me.  I appreciate the sentiment but life goes on as we well know and no one really will miss me like I miss him. 

Alice, knew you would feel the same.  I thought it particularly relevant when you wrote "so I’m in a kind of white mist, and being stabbed with long knives at random moments"  Thats a good analogy.  Mine are still happening daily sometimes more than once......I am tired.

Thanks bluebird......I know you feel the pain.

Nancy, I'm keeping busy too.  Six house remodels in five and half years.  I do alot of the construction.My thoughts are still in disbelief mode too.  How can he be gone?  And where is he?  Have the anger now more than I had, and I've avoided people and crowds when I used to be extroverted.  I've done lots of talking and it helps but not enough.  Nothing is enough and I am just losing all energy.  Definitely the worst thing in my lifetime and I thought I had some other troubles but this is overwhelming.  And thanks,  I know I am amongst kindred souls.

Linda, I already feel the pain you are going to have to withstand when Babie J is no longer with you.  It was excrutiating when I lost our kitty. Its why I cant put my attachment towards anything personal.  I try to care for others animals on a periodic basis but I am no longer able to place myself in that kind of position.  No more loss......

Thanks to each of you for the mental support.  It does help to know tha my feelings are replicated out there......In one way its good to know others had this kind of commitment and love for their beloved.  It is the most important thing one can have and yes, we had it......take care..... 

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 12, 2018 at 7:08am

Hi Morgan,

My grief mirrors yours. Every morning I wake up and hate it that I didn't die in my sleep. The only thing that really keeps me going is my sweet dog Babie J, she is slowly nearing the end of her life and I am having to watch her fail just like I did my Husband. I really hate this life. 

Comment by Nancy on September 12, 2018 at 6:23am

Morgan. I too feel your pain.  I keep very busy to avoid the thoughts that overcome me.  When they do it is unbearable and I'm in disbelief that he is gone.  So I get busy again.  It's the only way I'm able to survive after 43 years of marriage and all I've known since I was 20.  My kids are in pain too.  I keep going for them.  But I am not the same for sure  I have a lot of anger now and a short fuse with people.  Don't like crowds or seeing happy couples or hearing about something fun a couple has done or is going to do.  Talking about it helps.  Anything to not have it be my main focus everyday.  I read something about grief maybe on here.  It said your grief doesn't get smaller but rather other things in your mind get bigger around your grief so you always have it but those other distractions allow you to go on.  I hope you talk to someone regularly even if it's on here to see if you can get some relief even if it's just a little each day.  At least that is what I'm trying.  It is by far the worst thing I have ever dealt with and more painful than I could've ever imagined.  Bless you and know you are definitely not alone.

Comment by Alice Thompson on September 12, 2018 at 12:57am
Thinking of you, Morgan. Yes, it is a hard, cruel place to be — stuck on this plane after your love has gone. I am forgetting my beautiful other half more and more. I thought I would go with him, but it turns out I didn’t, and I probably have decades to remain here. I can’t have him back, I know that now. But I have nothing in his place, so I’m in a kind of white mist, and being stabbed with long knives at random moments. In this terrible place I want to be a beacon of love, even though I might be condemned as crazy.
Comment by bluebird on September 11, 2018 at 11:48pm
((((((((((morgan))))))))))
Comment by Monty on September 11, 2018 at 11:48pm

Hi Morgan.

i can only imagine the pain and suffering your going though at the moment, and am so sorry to hear how horrible your situation is that you are dealing with.

I hope and pray that you can find a light in this dark time in your life.

I hope the world is not deprived of your love and presence.

Warmest regards

Monty

Comment by morgan on September 11, 2018 at 10:40pm

I haven't written lately.  Not because I am not having problems surviving my emotions but because 1) I have so little energy that I have to conserve and use for daily work and living and 2) I'm giving up.  I just cannot see living like I am with the crying when I hit a trigger, and the missing of him more than ever it seems.  I just cannot believe he is dead.  I cannot erase my history and everything reminds me of my history.  He is constantly popping in and out of my mind and I simply have no real reason for committing myself to defending any goal, reason or project other than getting my affairs in order so they aren't such a mess foe someone else to dispose of.  Other than that, I am through with the pain of grief.  The meaningless of getting up every day and feeling like I am bereft of a solid attachment to someone who understood me.  I didn’t have to say anything, He knew what I was thinking and I knew him.  There was such a comfort in that.  The fact he wanted me.  He wanted me in all ways.  
35 years of love.  Of being together in everything.  Buying homes, traveling, working, sleeping together, eating at home nutritious meals, paying attention to each other’s work issues......But mainly the love.  The feeling of being embraced.  Of sleeping side by side......of living love.
I don't know if I will have the courage to do what I want to do when I feel I have settled my affairs but I hope so because the rest of the time I am dying little by little.  Piece by piece.  I just want to be with him again.  And if I can’t have it here, which is a given, I am slowly giving up the fight to want to try.  It’s just so painful.......

 

Members (364)

 
 
 

Groups

Latest Activity

Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Sorry should say sit with my mom. I'm a bit nervous about the mass this morning, I just want this day over. I figured I would go to the mass, stop at the small place where she used to go everyday for her friends and she was friends with with…"
8 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Three days Brett, it will come and it will go, I just want time to go fast for once. Eight more days for you also, I'm sure you feel the same, like going over and over that day in your head, shamefully I can't remember because I was in so…"
8 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Selv,  Your words really touched me as I also cremated my mother and scattered them in holy river of Ganga. I live in India so here the ashes are mostly scattered in holy river.  Like you I also wish to complete my journey on this earth…"
13 hours ago
Daylight commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi, Theresa, it is always very hard. I think every season is difficult. After Christmas, here it will be summer. Although summer is a beautiful season, I will feel sad because my mom died in January. Plus, the weather gets extremely hot, and…"
17 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I know it will be hard, Theresa."
18 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Well as I sit here in bed at like 930 tomorrow is the yearly mass I hate to say yearly but it’s the third year for my mother and I have a mass said every year for her. I know I’ll be sitting in church and when they say this mass is being…"
18 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"What's hard is that, even if we don't celebrate it, the rest of the world will. I can't get away from the Christmas music and decorations. That's okay. The world shouldn't stop celebrating Christmas just because it makes me…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, Thank You so much for sharing you OBE. I have read a lot of books on it and saw the movie Heaven is for Real. The one book I like is Hello from Heave by Bill & Judy Guggenheim.  Two days after my Husband died I had 1 message on my…"
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, Thank You so much for sharing you OBE. I have read a lot of books on it and saw the movie Heaven is for Real. The one book I like is Hello from Heave by Bill & Judy Guggenheim.  Two days after my Husband died I had 1 message on my…"
yesterday
Daylight commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, praying is all we have now. I hope it can helps us cope better. I've always loved Christmas but this year I don't feel like celebrating it. I haven't decorated my house, and I haven't got a Christmas tree. I just…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes, it's true that I was blessed to take care of my mom, but that only makes saying goodbye harder. Losing our moms is never easy for anyone, but for some of us who find our way here, our moms may have been the center of our lives. That's…"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks, SelV. I wish there was something I could say something to make you feel better. I wish there was something you could say to make me feel better."
yesterday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I feel compelled to share my feelings, beliefs and philosophical thoughts with all of you not only because we share the same bond of sufferings, wants, and hopes, but most of all we share the experience of true love for the one we lost here on…"
yesterday
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Our world is governed by science and most scientists say if you can't see it, it doesn't exist. Yet most agree that there are many other dimensions we can't see or detect. Huh? I had great respect for Steven Hawkins at one time. He…"
yesterday
Denise Lavoie commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"You are right people dont get it.The sadness never goes away.I am gratiful the support is here."
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Denise, I learned a lot of things on this forum. The important one is everyone found their true SOULMATE and lost them. The world just doesn't understand why we don't want to carry on without them. THEY WILL NEVER GET IT.   "
Friday
Denise Lavoie commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"The story about the whales is amazing.There are so many things about death I dont understand.I do know each day with out my husband is too hard to bear.I am very busy and active but l have a deep yearing to be with him.This will be the 3rd holiday…"
Friday
Emily is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Friday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, Thank you for your post. I like Morgan gave me a lift. I have often thought about suicide but have no intention of doing away with myself because of my religion. I will not take the chance of never seeing Julian again I too do not go to the…"
Friday
Aimee Hall Fuszard joined Karen's group
Thumbnail

I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
Friday

© 2018   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service