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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Alice Thompson on August 26, 2018 at 8:50pm
Hi Joe, Nancy and all you wonderful loving friends in this group, I read her book recently. I found it such a relief from the usual things you hear and read. I felt heard and understood. But she also tries valiantly to give advice to people who haven’t experienced such devastating loss, to help them help people like us, and there I’m afraid she’s trying to do the (almost?) impossible. Other people just can’t stand it... our reality. It’s too horrific for them, the idea it can’t be fixed. The dedication in her book says it all: “for those who are the stuff of other people’s nightmares” (or something like that). I still recommend it though.
Comment by Nancy on August 26, 2018 at 8:25pm

Thank you Joe.

Comment by joe kelly on August 26, 2018 at 3:26pm

I'm tired of everyone trying to "fix me".  I can't be fixed.  I found this website and pasted the "about page" of a psychotherapist who treated grief the way the medical community was taught to treat it until she lost her loved one.  She realized as some of us here do that they have it wrong.

https://www.refugeingrief.com/about/

Joe

Comment by Linda Engberg on August 17, 2018 at 9:30am

Hi Elynn and Monty

I have this picture right by my computer. It really helped me accept the fact that I will never stop grieve fro my Husband. I find no comfort with family and Friends, just my sweet little dog Babie J.

Comment by Elynn m on August 17, 2018 at 12:13am

thank you Monty for your comments.  I try to remind myself that friends don't know what they r doing, and they don't know what to say.   I know that everyone will face this at some time, but I cannot say that to friends, because I don't want to hurt their feelings, and do not wish this on anyone!   I get depressed once in awhile, because it's been 3 years, and I am finally realizing that I am alone after 41 years of marriage.       I'm grateful for this site, because I can express myself without fear of hurting feelings.   Everyone else here understands.  

Comment by Monty on August 16, 2018 at 11:56pm

Hi Elynn

sorry so to hear of your loss and how your feeling.

My wife passed December last year and i have also found that people have stopped calling and don't come around. I too am feeling isolated and alone.

Luckily for me i have my sister who has been an amazing shoulder to cry on and a great listener.

I've also have a friend in america who has recently lost his wife to cancer. we have been chatting and its appears to be a common thread to hear how alone and isolated people in grief (particularly when loosing your life partner).

In thinking about it,  I've realised that when talking people in general we tend to relate by trading stories about our life and experience's and interests.  we bond by talking about how we are similar  and how we have managed challenges ( and often helped others ).

when someone is so traumatised by loosing a loved one, people don't know how to react.  They don't know how to relate because thankfully for them they haven't had the huge trauma in their life of loosing a loved one.

therefore they find it very hard to relate and talk to people, they don't know what to say and feel uncomfortable.

i feel sorry for them. i know they want to help. i know they love me as a friend and feel afraid and unsure of how to react around me.

I think i will try something different with one or two of my friends (the ones that i think will cope.)

  Im going to let them know that its ok to not know how to relate to someone who is going though a huge trauma and is grief stricken .

  Im going to explain that i value their friendship and value their conversation and company.

  I hope to enable them to just listen and not feel bad that they cannot make me feel better at that instant in time, and let them know that being with friends is a immense help .

I hope that i don't loose my friends :D.

but I'm not going to be cross with them any more for not calling.

please note i am not trained in psychology or grief in any way.

and these are my own deductions and decisions.

and may not be for every one.

kindest regards Monty

Comment by Elynn m on August 16, 2018 at 10:52pm

I have been feeling very lonely lately,  and  am depressed.  I miss joe.  Our 44th anniversary is coming up august 31st.  The friends we had together are busy with their lives.  They don't call often, so I stopped calling them.   Only one of our friends still calls.   My children are busy, and I understand.  My son lives 10 minutes away. He is very good about asking if I want to go with them to different places.  My daughter is 45 minutes away, and is busy with her new house, and her husband and 2 children.  I understand.   I don't drive, so I can't just pick up and go when I want to!.  Anyway, I'm thankful for griefshare, because I can express myself openly.   Thanks for being here to listen!

Comment by Jeff Tice on August 13, 2018 at 4:59pm

Thank you bluebird.  My kids have been a huge comfort for me.  Making me laugh even when I don't want to and giving me someone to occupy my time and energy with.  I am working my way through this slowly and they help tremendously.  I know my family only wants the best for me.  I even understand their point of view to some extent, but they don't have the same struggle as me.  My wife wasn't part of their day to day life.  For me, I lost part of my reason for living. 

Hi Monty, Thank you.  I've had a lot of friends and family to help initially, but since then I have felt a little isolated mostly due to lack of time.  I try to get out on the weekends if possible to be around other adults and I find that it helps a little.  A grief support group my help more if I had the time.

I pray that we all find some peace after this kind of a loss.  I'm only now understanding how different this process can be for different people. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on August 13, 2018 at 11:56am

Hi Jeff,

So sorry for your loss.

Comment by Monty on August 12, 2018 at 6:12pm

Hi Jeff

sorry to hear about your wife passing. i can only imaging and guess at what your going though.

   After my wife passing last year, i had family and friends helping out

with me and the boys.

i feel that lots of men tend to bury/push to the side the grief and emotions, they just get on with it.  

   I tended to try and be strong (for my two boys) and and not reach out to much.

  i dont know if being this way (being the strong male, the provider & protector) has anything to do with it, but i haven't had a good nights sleep since my wife passed (going on over 7 months now) , being woken up with dreams,not the good ones :).

In hind sight i think that may have been a mistake for me. i have tended to become a little isolated now and feel like i down want to have to go out and put on that smily face.

i am now working on going a mens grief group and see if i can get out of this rut.

I wish you and your family all the best in this very emotional and difficult time.

Kind regards Monty

 

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This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situationSee More
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Joe, Your wife is beautiful. We just have to so blessed for God sending us our soulmates."
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"She was sent to save me.  There was a fate of that.  Too many coincidences to be otherwise.  I was born to a terrible family relationship in one State and She was born to a good stable family relationship.  We both moved to a…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Thanks for your encouraging words."
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Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, What you say here about your day sounds like my miserable daily schedule: "My schedule is pretty much go to the bedroom between 1 to 4am and most often I sleep until 11 or noon.  And if I have to get up quickly I find I end up…"
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Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Marita,  I can relate to what you are saying: the activities that Joseph and I loved to do together are now very painful to do on my own. But it seems that you have started taking baby steps in the right direction by starting to run again.…"
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Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, This is awesome! How inspiring that you run marathons to honor your beloved husband and soulmate Julian at age 65! "
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Marita commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, That is quite an accomplishment! My husband was my running partner and we did a lot of charity runs together. My last run was 2 months after he died and dedicated the run to him. Since then I have tried running alone but it was too…"
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