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Lost My Spouse...

Members: 364
Latest Activity: Jul 7

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on August 17, 2018 at 9:30am

Hi Elynn and Monty

I have this picture right by my computer. It really helped me accept the fact that I will never stop grieve fro my Husband. I find no comfort with family and Friends, just my sweet little dog Babie J.

Comment by Elynn m on August 17, 2018 at 12:13am

thank you Monty for your comments.  I try to remind myself that friends don't know what they r doing, and they don't know what to say.   I know that everyone will face this at some time, but I cannot say that to friends, because I don't want to hurt their feelings, and do not wish this on anyone!   I get depressed once in awhile, because it's been 3 years, and I am finally realizing that I am alone after 41 years of marriage.       I'm grateful for this site, because I can express myself without fear of hurting feelings.   Everyone else here understands.  

Comment by Monty on August 16, 2018 at 11:56pm

Hi Elynn

sorry so to hear of your loss and how your feeling.

My wife passed December last year and i have also found that people have stopped calling and don't come around. I too am feeling isolated and alone.

Luckily for me i have my sister who has been an amazing shoulder to cry on and a great listener.

I've also have a friend in america who has recently lost his wife to cancer. we have been chatting and its appears to be a common thread to hear how alone and isolated people in grief (particularly when loosing your life partner).

In thinking about it,  I've realised that when talking people in general we tend to relate by trading stories about our life and experience's and interests.  we bond by talking about how we are similar  and how we have managed challenges ( and often helped others ).

when someone is so traumatised by loosing a loved one, people don't know how to react.  They don't know how to relate because thankfully for them they haven't had the huge trauma in their life of loosing a loved one.

therefore they find it very hard to relate and talk to people, they don't know what to say and feel uncomfortable.

i feel sorry for them. i know they want to help. i know they love me as a friend and feel afraid and unsure of how to react around me.

I think i will try something different with one or two of my friends (the ones that i think will cope.)

  Im going to let them know that its ok to not know how to relate to someone who is going though a huge trauma and is grief stricken .

  Im going to explain that i value their friendship and value their conversation and company.

  I hope to enable them to just listen and not feel bad that they cannot make me feel better at that instant in time, and let them know that being with friends is a immense help .

I hope that i don't loose my friends :D.

but I'm not going to be cross with them any more for not calling.

please note i am not trained in psychology or grief in any way.

and these are my own deductions and decisions.

and may not be for every one.

kindest regards Monty

Comment by Elynn m on August 16, 2018 at 10:52pm

I have been feeling very lonely lately,  and  am depressed.  I miss joe.  Our 44th anniversary is coming up august 31st.  The friends we had together are busy with their lives.  They don't call often, so I stopped calling them.   Only one of our friends still calls.   My children are busy, and I understand.  My son lives 10 minutes away. He is very good about asking if I want to go with them to different places.  My daughter is 45 minutes away, and is busy with her new house, and her husband and 2 children.  I understand.   I don't drive, so I can't just pick up and go when I want to!.  Anyway, I'm thankful for griefshare, because I can express myself openly.   Thanks for being here to listen!

Comment by Jeff Tice on August 13, 2018 at 4:59pm

Thank you bluebird.  My kids have been a huge comfort for me.  Making me laugh even when I don't want to and giving me someone to occupy my time and energy with.  I am working my way through this slowly and they help tremendously.  I know my family only wants the best for me.  I even understand their point of view to some extent, but they don't have the same struggle as me.  My wife wasn't part of their day to day life.  For me, I lost part of my reason for living. 

Hi Monty, Thank you.  I've had a lot of friends and family to help initially, but since then I have felt a little isolated mostly due to lack of time.  I try to get out on the weekends if possible to be around other adults and I find that it helps a little.  A grief support group my help more if I had the time.

I pray that we all find some peace after this kind of a loss.  I'm only now understanding how different this process can be for different people. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on August 13, 2018 at 11:56am

Hi Jeff,

So sorry for your loss.

Comment by Monty on August 12, 2018 at 6:12pm

Hi Jeff

sorry to hear about your wife passing. i can only imaging and guess at what your going though.

   After my wife passing last year, i had family and friends helping out

with me and the boys.

i feel that lots of men tend to bury/push to the side the grief and emotions, they just get on with it.  

   I tended to try and be strong (for my two boys) and and not reach out to much.

  i dont know if being this way (being the strong male, the provider & protector) has anything to do with it, but i haven't had a good nights sleep since my wife passed (going on over 7 months now) , being woken up with dreams,not the good ones :).

In hind sight i think that may have been a mistake for me. i have tended to become a little isolated now and feel like i down want to have to go out and put on that smily face.

i am now working on going a mens grief group and see if i can get out of this rut.

I wish you and your family all the best in this very emotional and difficult time.

Kind regards Monty

Comment by bluebird on August 12, 2018 at 6:12pm

Just to be clear -- I only meant that it's good that your children are with you, and that therefore your wife is too, in a way.

Comment by bluebird on August 12, 2018 at 6:11pm

Jeff,

I'm sorry, it must be so difficult with the children. At the same time, they are also part of her, so in that way it's good. My husband died shortly before his 42nd birthday; I was 44. My life ended the moment his did. 

Of course your family and friends want you to be/feel "better", but remember that you are under no obligation to fake being better for their sake. If they really want to help you, they will not try to force you to "move on" unless/until you are ready to do so.  Of course you need to try not to act too sad/depressed around your children, as they need your strength right now, but IMHO you don't need to put on an act around the adults. If you are going to heal at all, you need to be able to do so at your own pace, not at a pace dictated or preferred by anyone else. I'm sure your family members love you, but they need to understand this as well.

Comment by Jeff Tice on August 12, 2018 at 11:09am
Thank you Nancy for the kind words. I'm sorry 06to hear about your husband. My wife's grandfather passed away 17 years ago due to cancer that progressed quickly too and I watched her struggle with the grief. I know that your experience is quite a bit different with your husband but I understand how bad cancer can be. I can relate to your experience with family as mine want to see me getting "better" so I generally put on a happy face when in public. Meanwhile, I break down once I'm home and the kids are asleep. I've never found being happy to be so exhausting before. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family as well.
 

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Nancy is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
G B is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Saturday
Dennis C. replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. The journey of caregiving is extremely difficult. The loss of our especially loved dear ones is unspeakable. There are so many different ideas about what happens to us when we die. Religion teaches many different…"
Friday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I just feel like I am in a fog.  I have a little dog that is at least ten years old.  She adored my Mom & she has really grieved for her.  I know how you feel about your dog.  I worry about her.  She is all I have. …"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too Brett, I sit here an look at my 12 year old Labrador and I know he is on borrowed time, and my heart breaks, losing him will be something that I am not looking forward to. As you said Brett, we have the live our lives until we are called…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes, I was looking at something that popped up on my Yahoo news feed. It was an article naming 106 celebrities who have passed away in 2019. So many names and faces that I remembered. Now they are gone, and they aren't coming back. Their time…"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett so true she was my security blanket I feel like I have no one to lean on that understood me like her You know what keeps coming in my mind. How true it is and scary that everything has a beginning and an end."
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hear it all the time you don’t know how lucky you were that your mother wasn’t sick and you didn’t have to take care of her I say to them lucky I was lucky that my mother died and I was not right by her side to tell her I love…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away. Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone. I feel like the hard reality…"
Jul 16
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, millions, billions of people have lost their moms. Sometimes someone will tell me that they have lost their mom, too, but they were able to deal with it, and they wonder why I haven't dealt with it as well. This may sound like an…"
Jul 16
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too ...I was sitting marking a paper yesterday and suddenly realized that I can’t see or talk to my mother about this or anything else and the tears came.  But I’m glad to think of her, in a way I can be glad to be sad sometimes.…"
Jul 16
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I sometimes will just be sitting down and I start to cry because I keep thinking I miss my mom so much my whole world is just not the same I think that I’ve become a different person it will be four years and I still cry I can’t put into…"
Jul 16
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Definitely a colder world now.  I like the image of the security blanket — like, as we go forward, we will always keep it but eventually may be able to wash it, fold it nicely, and put it in some place of honour close at hand but without…"
Jul 16
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"The world just became a colder place when my mom died. I just remember feeling like all was right with the world when my mom was in the next room. "
Jul 16
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is such a traumatic event, especially when you have had a wonderful Mom.  It is so hard knowing she is gone.  Knowing this is permanent.  There is no one that can fill the void she left.  My brother was close to Mom, but he…"
Jul 16
Cherie is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Jul 15
Amy replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"I am not a believer and nor was he. We covered the bases just incase though. We were both raised Catholic. That is all besides the point though. "
Jul 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"While I never forget that my mom is gone, for some reason it just hits me over the head sometimes. Just out of the blue I'll be like, "Mom is gone." It's horrible. It's ever present. And the thing is that it is always with…"
Jul 15
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My Mom also.  I could always talk to her about anything & knew she was someone I could totally trust.  I am constantly thinking of something I want to share with her & then I remember she is gone.  I loved spending time with…"
Jul 15
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There is no doubt that it is anxiety. In fact, I think we are experiencing fight or flight. Since birth my mom had been my security blanket."
Jul 15

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