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Lost My Spouse...

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FAILING 8 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Alison J Aug 27.

Rejoining the rest of the world 3 Replies

I am getting ready to return to work for the first time since the death of John. I know I have to go on living for now. I have reflected on my spiritual beliefs. I have to believe that John is indeed…Continue

Started by Cristal. Last reply by Monty Aug 12.

My wife passed 5 days before christmas 7 Replies

Hi AllMy name is Monty and i have become single parent of two special needs boys when i lost my wife and life partner of 25 years, 5 days before Christmas.My wife had Myotonic Dystrophy and other the…Continue

Started by Monty. Last reply by Monty Jul 8.

loost my spouce 4 Replies

Lost my spouce a couple of weeks ago and now what do I do with the rest of my life after 55 years with the same person?Continue

Started by kathy. Last reply by ET May 28.

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Comment by Monty on August 16, 2018 at 11:56pm

Hi Elynn

sorry so to hear of your loss and how your feeling.

My wife passed December last year and i have also found that people have stopped calling and don't come around. I too am feeling isolated and alone.

Luckily for me i have my sister who has been an amazing shoulder to cry on and a great listener.

I've also have a friend in america who has recently lost his wife to cancer. we have been chatting and its appears to be a common thread to hear how alone and isolated people in grief (particularly when loosing your life partner).

In thinking about it,  I've realised that when talking people in general we tend to relate by trading stories about our life and experience's and interests.  we bond by talking about how we are similar  and how we have managed challenges ( and often helped others ).

when someone is so traumatised by loosing a loved one, people don't know how to react.  They don't know how to relate because thankfully for them they haven't had the huge trauma in their life of loosing a loved one.

therefore they find it very hard to relate and talk to people, they don't know what to say and feel uncomfortable.

i feel sorry for them. i know they want to help. i know they love me as a friend and feel afraid and unsure of how to react around me.

I think i will try something different with one or two of my friends (the ones that i think will cope.)

  Im going to let them know that its ok to not know how to relate to someone who is going though a huge trauma and is grief stricken .

  Im going to explain that i value their friendship and value their conversation and company.

  I hope to enable them to just listen and not feel bad that they cannot make me feel better at that instant in time, and let them know that being with friends is a immense help .

I hope that i don't loose my friends :D.

but I'm not going to be cross with them any more for not calling.

please note i am not trained in psychology or grief in any way.

and these are my own deductions and decisions.

and may not be for every one.

kindest regards Monty

Comment by Elynn m on August 16, 2018 at 10:52pm

I have been feeling very lonely lately,  and  am depressed.  I miss joe.  Our 44th anniversary is coming up august 31st.  The friends we had together are busy with their lives.  They don't call often, so I stopped calling them.   Only one of our friends still calls.   My children are busy, and I understand.  My son lives 10 minutes away. He is very good about asking if I want to go with them to different places.  My daughter is 45 minutes away, and is busy with her new house, and her husband and 2 children.  I understand.   I don't drive, so I can't just pick up and go when I want to!.  Anyway, I'm thankful for griefshare, because I can express myself openly.   Thanks for being here to listen!

Comment by Jeff Tice on August 13, 2018 at 4:59pm

Thank you bluebird.  My kids have been a huge comfort for me.  Making me laugh even when I don't want to and giving me someone to occupy my time and energy with.  I am working my way through this slowly and they help tremendously.  I know my family only wants the best for me.  I even understand their point of view to some extent, but they don't have the same struggle as me.  My wife wasn't part of their day to day life.  For me, I lost part of my reason for living. 

Hi Monty, Thank you.  I've had a lot of friends and family to help initially, but since then I have felt a little isolated mostly due to lack of time.  I try to get out on the weekends if possible to be around other adults and I find that it helps a little.  A grief support group my help more if I had the time.

I pray that we all find some peace after this kind of a loss.  I'm only now understanding how different this process can be for different people. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on August 13, 2018 at 11:56am

Hi Jeff,

So sorry for your loss.

Comment by Monty on August 12, 2018 at 6:12pm

Hi Jeff

sorry to hear about your wife passing. i can only imaging and guess at what your going though.

   After my wife passing last year, i had family and friends helping out

with me and the boys.

i feel that lots of men tend to bury/push to the side the grief and emotions, they just get on with it.  

   I tended to try and be strong (for my two boys) and and not reach out to much.

  i dont know if being this way (being the strong male, the provider & protector) has anything to do with it, but i haven't had a good nights sleep since my wife passed (going on over 7 months now) , being woken up with dreams,not the good ones :).

In hind sight i think that may have been a mistake for me. i have tended to become a little isolated now and feel like i down want to have to go out and put on that smily face.

i am now working on going a mens grief group and see if i can get out of this rut.

I wish you and your family all the best in this very emotional and difficult time.

Kind regards Monty

Comment by bluebird on August 12, 2018 at 6:12pm

Just to be clear -- I only meant that it's good that your children are with you, and that therefore your wife is too, in a way.

Comment by bluebird on August 12, 2018 at 6:11pm

Jeff,

I'm sorry, it must be so difficult with the children. At the same time, they are also part of her, so in that way it's good. My husband died shortly before his 42nd birthday; I was 44. My life ended the moment his did. 

Of course your family and friends want you to be/feel "better", but remember that you are under no obligation to fake being better for their sake. If they really want to help you, they will not try to force you to "move on" unless/until you are ready to do so.  Of course you need to try not to act too sad/depressed around your children, as they need your strength right now, but IMHO you don't need to put on an act around the adults. If you are going to heal at all, you need to be able to do so at your own pace, not at a pace dictated or preferred by anyone else. I'm sure your family members love you, but they need to understand this as well.

Comment by Jeff Tice on August 12, 2018 at 11:09am
Thank you Nancy for the kind words. I'm sorry 06to hear about your husband. My wife's grandfather passed away 17 years ago due to cancer that progressed quickly too and I watched her struggle with the grief. I know that your experience is quite a bit different with your husband but I understand how bad cancer can be. I can relate to your experience with family as mine want to see me getting "better" so I generally put on a happy face when in public. Meanwhile, I break down once I'm home and the kids are asleep. I've never found being happy to be so exhausting before. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family as well.
Comment by Nancy on August 11, 2018 at 9:48am

I'm so sorry for your loss Jeff.  I hope you will find support and comfort on this site and what I have appreciated here is being able to say whatever I feel and not be judged.  I lost my husband of 43 years last May and I am trying to find my new normal.  Many people I work with and even my family (not my kids) think I should have " moved on" since it's been a year.  He was only sick for 7 months and during that time we were fighting the cancer with treatment.  It was until 3 weeks before he passed that I knew it was futile. So I believe for me I have just within the last months begun to grieve after getting thru the shock of it all.  What I appreciate on this site is knowing others have the same feelings and do not expect there is some standard for grieving.  I am sending you and your small children my thoughts and prayers.

Comment by Jeff Tice on August 10, 2018 at 5:25pm

My wife Jennifer passed away on July 15 this year and every day that's followed has been filled with tidal waves of emotions.  One moment I seem to be doing okay and the next I feel hopelessly lost.  There are so many facets of this that I'm trying to deal with.  I'm only 47, so the idea of going the rest of my life without her feels like looking up a cliff face knowing that I somehow have to climb it.  We have two children (a one year old and a six year old) that I am now raising on my own.  My wife stayed home because we had always planned on raising our own children instead of a daycare and we were fortunate enough to be able to do it.  Now that's not even an option.  I keep looking back at our past and all the things we meant to do, but now we never will.  To top it off I go through moments where I don't even know how to make it through a day.  Fortunately I have family, friends, and our church to help which I don't has been great, but the hardest problem is something that nobody can help with.  I feel like ever since my wife passed there is a gaping hole in my chest where my heart was.  We were together for almost twenty years and married for almost 19.  She was the person who completed me and now that she's gone I don't feel whole.  I know that time will make things easier, but for now seems impossible to imagine.

 

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Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.See More
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