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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by bluebird on June 17, 2018 at 10:53pm

As I have often found to be true on this site, my experience has been very much like morgan's, other than I knew I would never again feel "normal" after my husband died. In all other respects, however, my experience has been very much as morgan's post has related hers has been.

The signs I have received, I can never seem to be sure of for any length of time. That is, they sometimes make me feel a bit better in that moment, but that feeling never lasts, in part because I cannot be sure the signs are real, that my husband still exists and that these signs are really from him. I wish I could be sure, but I truly don't think anything could prove hishcontinued existence to me, short of him actually coming to me, while I am conscious and awake, and me being able to see and hear him and converse with him.

Comment by morgan on June 17, 2018 at 10:19pm

Talking about signs from our loved ones I could say I've had some.  They are too hard to explain but I could say that they seemed awfully coincidental if they weren't real signs.  But after the first couple years of a few really singular powerful ones I really haven't felt there has been anything i could ascribe to being a "sign".  

I didnt dream about anything for several years.  Only once in great while.  Now I dream really vivid dreams of him periodically but all that does it make me want him more.  

The worst thing right now is the anxiety in the mornings.  I have no desire to get out of bed.  None.  Why?  Because i know I have to face this awful world without him.  I don't want to wake up.  And when I do then I curse the universe for making it real again and the welling up inside of me is so upset at having to tackle another day my digestive system starts roaring and I normally will feel the crying about to start.  I go through it and think how am I going to last.  I have no control over it.  I know now that as much as I thought my reality would succumb to the physical assault on my system through the stress of the grief and I wold be able to feel more normal, it isnt happening.  I can function better for hours at a  time whereas for the first several years there wasnt an hour that passed where I wasnt in crisis mode.

All I want is for my life to be shortened  Quickly, naturally so if my husband is in another form where he can embrace me again I am ready.......yesterday.

Comment by Nancy on June 17, 2018 at 6:15pm

Joe:  I'm with you on the signs.  I was positive my husband would send me signs.  I've read many books where people say it happens.  It's not a bird or a butterfly,  but they actual see and hear their loved one.  The day he passed 4 eagles circled above our house.  They went higher and higher until they were gone.  I've had nothing since that day 13 months ago. It's all so discouraging.  I keep thinking it's because he can't yet.  ??

Comment by joe kelly on June 17, 2018 at 5:36pm

Geraldine, it'll be five months on Thursday that my Darling died in my arms.  I know she loved me with all her heart and if she could she would send me a sign.  I'm convinced that she can't.  I just hope that she can hear and see me.  It keeps getting worse each day and I don't think it'll ever be better.  I pray I die soon too. 

Morgan, the only thing that keeps me from taking my own life is that in my religion, suicide will not join us.  I can't take that chance.  I can only hope that since I'm a smoker, I too will get cancer and refuse treatment and pass on hoping to be reunited with her.  My death will be a happy death hoping to go to her.  I will adore her for eternity.  My fears are that maybe there is nothing after we pass.  The thought of never seeing her again is torturing.  I've come to the conclusion that there are three possibilities.  Either she can see and hear me but can't let me know.  She can't hear or see me and in the same boat as I am.  Or, there's nothing, no afterlife existence.  If that be the case, at least the pain will cease after I die but hope it's not that way.  I want to be with her for ever.  Our bodies will be.  I have my name and birth year on the stone already. My life ended when she died but I'm left here living in hell.   Joe   

Comment by Geri on June 17, 2018 at 3:09pm

I miss my love so much and keep waiting for signs that he is still with with me. Would anyone like to share their stories of signs that their loved one is sending them.

I need some hope.

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 17, 2018 at 11:37am

Hi Morgan

You and I are in the same boat and we both wish it sink with us on it.

Comment by morgan on June 16, 2018 at 11:54pm

Its been a long long road since the day my husband died.   I cannot lie.  This is not getting any easier.  Instead of being in such a fog about what to do next I have more clarity as to what things are going to be like and I dont like or want to live like this.  I seem to be disregarding the approved version of living with grief to seeking a means of eliminating the grief in whatever way I can.  Note: nothing is totally off the table.  

I keep hoping it doesnt come to that.  That something will release me from the constant battering of my mind and heart.  That my body will just give it up.  I know I am not going to be here with my husband. Its not going to happen.  So in order to try to be with him what choice is there??  I know up until now I have taken the beating....the battering.......the constant coping in the hopes some small amount of kindness will be shown to me by the forces of the universe.  And each time I cave to another welling of the memories of the past I cry that I just cannot take this anymore.  That anything is better than this.....this unwillingness to live this aloneness, this missing of spirit contained in that body......

This bodily manifestation must be more ........it must exist in a place and time where I belong.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 16, 2018 at 1:13pm

AnneJ

Thanks for your kindness, I will be so glad when this pain ends and join my Husband in paradise.

Comment by Nancy on June 14, 2018 at 6:35pm

Everything posted today rings so true for me too.  It helps that others truly understand.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 14, 2018 at 6:31pm

Thank you Geraldine, Linda, and Marita,

Our grief for our departed soulmate will never end; we will mourn and grieve the loss of the love of our life for the rest of our lives. As you all put it, our grief will only end when someday we are finally reunited with our love.

Linda, very nicely expressed. It says it all about us the the ones who are living through a lifeless and meaningless life versus the rest of the world who has no experience or understanding about our deep sense of loss and unbearable sorrow.

 

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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, 49 years is a long time.  Long enough to embed yourself in each other and there is nothing that will soothe the tearing apart of that union.  I knew my husband for 55 (since 2nd grade) and we were together for 35.  Long…"
5 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, Monday will be a very tough day for both of us. It's one year for me which seems like one long day, and six for you, which scares the hell out of me thinking about how long do I have to be here before I go to her. It seems like one long…"
13 hours ago
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lets be honest. Death sucks. As I read the posts on here and I see how we struggle when we lose someone to death it boggles the mind how any of us keep moving. I keep saying to myself there is something I can do to make myself feel better and it…"
17 hours ago
Emma is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Kelly Lieberman posted a status
"Can't sleep. Typical, my daughter goes back to college in the morning and I am having a hard time with that."
yesterday
Kelly Lieberman posted photos
yesterday
mindy replied to mindy's discussion Feeling pretty well depressed
"I guess I'm doing ok I was in the middle of a family fued Christmas day night so I been keeping to myself I check out that site but don't have the money to pay for it I'm disabled"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I agree with all of that. I didn't expect a reward. My mom was reward enough, but I am not the same person that I once was. And I thought that some kind of balance would occur. I can't explain that really. It's been defeating. As soon…"
yesterday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"After my husband’s death, and now after losing my mother, I also found myself somehow imagining that, not so much that something good would happen, more that some kind of reward would come to me, something to balance off the pain and…"
yesterday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Well, Brett, one day we all shall see, I have many many questions, but no one to answer them. My heart still aches everyday, I still cry, but no one understands why, they have no clue...."
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There's something that has been on my mind lately and this is the best place to mention it. As much as I feared and dreaded my mom's death, I sort of felt like something good would happen, maybe not right away, but eventually. Like Karma…"
Friday
Margaret Whitehouse commented on mary snell's group hi
"I know how you feel. I lost my mom Jan 6, 2019 and it is so raw and all I do is cry. I was in the room when she passed and had been all day. My regret is I wasn't holding her hand when she took her last breath. She had dementia and I saw her 3…"
Thursday
Margaret Whitehouse joined mary snell's group
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hi I recantly lost my mom two weeks ago I'm still missing her and I wish that i could of said good bye to her before said passed away See More
Thursday
Brenda Ann replied to mindy's discussion Feeling pretty well depressed
"Mindy, I am not a doctor but I am a student of the Bible. It seems that you are suffering from anxiety over your past. Humans including ourselves seem to filter the good things we have done and focus on the "bad". But God is the opposite.…"
Wednesday
Pamela philipp posted a blog post

permanent grief

it has been three years and four months since i lost my mom 9-6-2015 and my husband  9-14-2015 and the overwhelming grief is unbearable also my husbands birthday is on the 20th of this month i don't know how much longer i can hold on,also i have so much added stress from people telling me i have to move on don't they understand that i may look okay on the outside but i am shattered inside i have been numb for so long i feel like i'm in a horrific nightmare nothing makes any sense any more i am…See More
Wednesday
Brenda Ann left a comment for Lost
"Dear Lost, I've never been one who felt that money or job is most important either. There are so many things more important in life. One of those though is family. I would be lonely also if my family looked down on me and didn't talk to…"
Wednesday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks M adams and Brett. Will wait for that time when I get over the guilt.  Starting my day with positive today. "
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I agree with M. I'm not one to give advice because I have not conquered those guilty feelings either. I have a feeling, and that is all I can go by, that one day we will grow tired of beating ourselves up, and that's when we will take…"
Tuesday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, so good to hear that you can feel celebratory.  Engaging in life is important, it is something every parent wants for their child.  At the same time, I think in bereavement it’s hard to handle celebratory occasions because our…"
Tuesday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi All,  Just returned from a small trip in India only. Whenever I celebrate, I feel guilty. "
Tuesday

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