Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by JenShep on May 20, 2018 at 9:22am

Alice, I totally understand what you’re expressing and I feel the same way although my certainty waxes and wanes. Sometimes I feel so good because I know he’s right here with me and sometimes I can’t feel it and sink back down into hell again. I’ve had a few amazing experiences where I’ve actually felt Tom climb in bed and wrap himself around me. I’ve heard him trying to talk to me - HIS voice. And then months will go by with nothing except my own “feeling” that he’s here. Or worse, my feeling that he’s not. I try the same thing - to push my thoughts to how things are now instead of the physical him that I am missing but it’s still so hard. I keep trying to learn to communicate with him. I meditate. I’ve tried Reiki. I’m just going to keep trying. Probably I’ll keep getting frustrated and sad but I feel like all I can do is keep trying. I guess I’ll just keep having the ups and downs. I just hope to get better at feeling him here. I wish I had been born with the ability like some seem to have been. I feel like my mission now while I’m still here is to learn to do this. 

Comment by Alice Thompson on May 20, 2018 at 2:51am

I watched it too, and I cried, but they were good tears. I have been lucky enough in this life to be loved completely and that love continues. I love him more and more and I know it is the same for him. The physical phase is in the past and it will not return for the rest of my life. I was reaching out via google search about a fortnight ago to find some solutions — again — and typed in “what do you do when your life has been ruined”. I came across something only partially relevant, but it has prompted me to do some conscious work on my thinking. I’ve separated some thoughts out in my head, and have been making an effort to disregard some unhelpful ones. Such as excessively hanging on to memories of his physical self. I couldn’t do that if I wasn’t certain he is with me in a new way, but I am, and that new way is the “living” way, the one that goes on beside me from day to day. It is a subtle change and has come from me alone; if someone had suggested this in any way (and of course they have many times) I would have furiously rejected it. It is only me who understands what is right for me. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 19, 2018 at 5:19pm

The royal wedding evoked similar feelings for me as John T. Joseph and I loved watching PBS shows, especially Masterpiece and Mystery, and we watched together the coverage of Princess Diana's tragic death and Prince William And Kate's wedding. So when Prince Harry shed tears, presumably, for his late mother I couldn't stop crying myself. It brought back anew so many memories with Joseph, our idyllic time together for 19 blessed years. I have reconciled myself to living out my life to its natural end. I pray every single day for my early death, but I can not take my own life: apart from being a woman of faith, I also can't subject my family to the kind of grief it would cause if I were to end my own life. Alas, I will have to go on living without my darling Joseph at my side. Please God, let it be soon.

The wedding was very moving. And like morgan, I, too, wish the royal couple much happiness and a long life together. May they know the kind of love that we, on this site, have known with our spouses.

Comment by John T. on May 19, 2018 at 2:49pm

It was when they sang "Stand By Me" that I turned it off.  I never heard that song presented in that way and suddenly the words had profound meaning.  Then I started thinking how much my wife would have loved watching the wedding and how we would have talked about everything that happened.  We were true anglophiles and I can't even watch the British programs on PBS anymore.  There is no one to share them with and they only make me even more aware of her not being here with me.  I've read this will pass.  I'm not holding my breath.

Comment by Nancy on May 19, 2018 at 2:06pm

I feel the very same Morgan.  I had a love affair for 43 years.  We have 3 children who are still devastated but would be completely paralyzed if I did something like you are talking about.  I will bear this pain and remain alone for the sake of my kids and grandkids.  They hurt enough.  Please think things through.  I know exactly how much you hurt.

Comment by morgan on May 19, 2018 at 1:56pm

As much as I wish the new royal couple all the love they deserve, it breaks my own heart......I am now a broken shell of a woman who keeps pushing herself to reconstruct her life and who keeps asking herself how much is this worth.  I don't want to take my own life but it seems in the beginning that idea was a "reaction".  Now it seems I am just becoming more driven.  I am driven to tie up my affairs, driven to distraction, driven to decide how I can physically withstand the stress of living alone.....

I didnt have just a marriage......I had a love affair......I had the passion of living and now I am dead inside......I hope the royal couple are lucky enough to experience the kind of love some of us here have had with our spouses.......infinite, eternal and boundless......

Comment by Linda Engberg on May 11, 2018 at 11:43am

Hi Morgan, Nancy and L. Kasier,

Morgan has stated the same feelings I have, why do we have to stay here and suffer. The following poem seems to help get through life.

God bless you all.

Comment by Nancy on May 11, 2018 at 6:28am

Morgan. Thank you so much for thinking of me yesterday and your words that hit home so much for me and many on here.  You are so right about barely able to breathe at one year.  I told my daughter yesterday was just like every day for me.   When I'm not busy working all I do is replay everything over and over in my mind.  From his diagnosis to losing him was a whirlwind and I don't think any of us have quite gotten over the shock yet.  I'm like a hollow shell or a robot.  You are so right about 43 years...i was 20 when we married and was 64 when he passed.  How on earth do you find a new way to live???  Thank you again Morgan   

Comment by morgan on May 11, 2018 at 12:00am

Nancy, I know that today (the 10th) is your one year mark and if yours was anything like mine it is a harrowing kind of day.  One doesn't really know how to mark such a sad day.......One doesn't know what's ahead and we certainly are still as confused as to what was behind.  And being left behind has to be one of the worst feelings that keeps eating at any sense of normalcy.  I have struggled for years to try and reconcile/understand/ reconstruct and more and more I am coming around to not giving a damn about anything.....working feverishly as though I can work myself to death and starving myself as much as I can to impinge on my physical health.  I know in my head where I want to be I just cant seem to make it happen physically (dead).  I am trying though.  I have essentially given up thinking I am going to be any better than what I technically was the day my husband died.  I still have days (like yesterday) where the crying is so deep and so wracks my body that I exhaust myself and yesterday ended up konking out for three hours afterwards.  That's how tough it still can be.  Then today I got through the day but now late night I find I go back on the train to the hole.  I am back to where mornings and late night are bringing me so far down.....

I really cant understand what the sense is in making people like us suffer.  WTF?  The whole bunk about I still have something I need to do, or give or ???  I mean, what's the point?  

I come here and I see all the new names and stories of death of love and it just doesnt make any sense.  We are devastated souls only wanting connection to that which made us whole.......why leave us here when our minds are already gone with our loved one.  I just cant get it.

ok, now I'm rambling but I didnt want you to think that you weren't being thought of......and sorry you might not see this at the time I wanted to try and write it but my energy is limited and getting to everything I try to do doesnt always work out...43 years is a tremendously long amount of time to try and rewire. At one year you are barely yet breathing......just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.......morgan

Comment by L. Kaiser on May 10, 2018 at 1:30pm

Thank you Linda for your kind words! I do and have been seeing someone  , a therapist. However, I seriously question my time with this person...grief has never come up! I will call it my fault though, I don't think you understand, while you may empathize, unless you've lost a spouse! Thank you for the blessing, as well.

 I still thank God for waking up, I have to feel blessed. Some never find the kind of love I had for 27 yrs.!


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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
Karolien updated their profile
Lynn Williams commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
"Thinking of everyone here with love"
Connie K commented on Kar's group Missing my Son or Daughter
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joe kelly replied to Jade Rogers's discussion Hi!
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Virginia G replied to Pamela philipp's discussion Defeated
"I feel the same.  The website doesn’t help because we aren’t talking and around people in person.  That isn’t even enough when people are willing to talk and most don’t have time for me."
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"You are right. I became conditioned with my mom. Every health crisis that my mom would have was traumatic for me. And then there would be that ray of light. I would have mom safe at home once again. I developed some false hope. But as time passed…"
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Baby steps is such a good metaphor — I think when we’ve been traumatized by terrible loss, many of us lose our resilience, and basically have to baby ourselves, setting very tiny goals and challenges, slowly working our way forward.…"
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, it's hard for me to be positive about anything. I always feel like something bad is right around the corner. That's because every time I thought mom was safe and had cleared another hurdle, something else would go wrong. It's…"
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Monty, For some of us, we will always remain out of sync with the rest of world. We, like myself. live in our own universe."
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett you are right that is the "dark" side, it scares me too That is so great about the phone call from the directors at the center, that must have made you feel like a million bucks.   You are making a positive impact, I know…"
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"Avi, I actually looked up the EquoVox. I couldn't find an English link for it. I'll keep looking. I'm just really curious how it works. And I want you to make your own decisions. I just want you to be happy."
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"M, I'm half Catholic, and Theresa is 100% Catholic. This is a huge part of Catholicism. Ouiji boards just scare the crap out of me. I listened to a lecture series from a Vatican exorcists. There was a question and answer period. Someone asked…"

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