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Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 28, 2018 at 4:59am

Dear morgan,

I am so sorry that you are continuing to have these dark thoughts. Actually, I do too. Everyday, and several times a day, I wish this were my last day, that I were free of this life. But like Nancy and Elynn I either bury myself in my new hobby--painting--or I email or text (don't usually call folks) someone to take my mind off of the unbearable pain. We are in such a quandary, dilemma, predicament--call you what you will--we were given a "life" sentence. Our life sentence is to live out our natural lives without that ONE person who made live meaningful. Now life is so drab, devoid of meaning and purpose. And everyday is painful beyond belief.

I can relate to you only too well: the urge to end it all, to be freed from this sorry existence. But my dear friend, alas, it is not in our hands (short of taking our own lives) how long we live. I, too, have "given" myself 70 years (I am 57 now, so I still have a loooong ways to go). But when I "give" myself the 70 years I can't help but laugh, as I am only too keenly aware that it is not up to me. Very unlikely, but not impossible, that I could die tomorrow in a car accident or of a heart attack, but more likely given my family health history, I will live to be an old lady of 85 or 90. The thought terrifies me and fills me with anger and the sense that this is injustice, but I comfort myself by saying I don't know when my time will come, it can come very soon for all I know. So another day passes, and I have one less day to live.

So dear morgan, immerse yourself in something that keeps your interest, even if for a little while, or reach out to someone you trust when you feel you can't go on anymore. But please know that you have friends on this forum who care and you can always come here and write to us and we will be here. Life is cruel, the universe is cruel, but what can we do about it?

Courage, my friend, and hang in there! Big hugs, Trina

Comment by Nancy on April 27, 2018 at 10:42pm

All I do is work.  I'm exhausted at the end of each day.  The only time I don't think about things is when I'm working.  The rest of the time it is all I think about.  I play things over and over in my head.  It's coming up one year on May 10.  I think it has only really sunk in in the last few weeks.   I have had 0 signs from him and that has made me lose my last ounce of caring about much of anything.  I hear you Morgan.  I so understand.

Comment by Elynn m on April 27, 2018 at 10:22pm

Morgan,  yes. It is very difficult.  Do you have family near you?  Thank God for your neighbor who was kind enough to visit you  in your time of need.   One thing I've learned through this experience is that when I feel angry and depressed and feel like I'm all alone, the best thing I can do is pick up the phone and call someone (or email them)   that I haven' talked to in quite some time.   I don' have too many friends.  Just a lot of aquaintences.    My husband had a ot of friends.  Sometimes I'll call one of his friends and ask how they are doing.  It gets my mind off of myself , at least for a ittle while.  I end up being encouraged.   Or like you did, come here to this sight and talk to us!!!   But talk!!!!   LOL!

Comment by morgan on April 27, 2018 at 9:50pm

I have to figure a way out of this.  I don't know what I can do to expedite my exit but I cannot continue living, feeling this constant gnawing in my mind because I miss him so much.  I just wont do it. I am 66 and I am determined to not live past 70.  I have enough to do to make sure my affairs are in order before then but my brain has now after five years had to accept the real situation and I will not put up with this.   I cannot and will not live feeling such "missingness". I am angry that I have been left behind to have to make do every day in a world I have no desire to live in.  I will make do only so long.  I am making progress getting things organized and in a place so that when I die I wont have left a mess behind but I am pretty well convinced that I am going to have to find a way out because this just will not do.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 13, 2018 at 9:11am

Hi Joe,

The day when Husband and I got married we became one and will always remain that that read the saying on my tattoo. These are our actual hands taken from our wedding pictures.

 

Comment by Bruce Armstrong on April 13, 2018 at 8:16am

 Hi Joe I lost my wife 9 Months ago after knowing her from going steady in H S for 60 years and then holding her in my arms while she took her last breath-people do not know the loss you feel I try to get by but still hard to think or plan and please no problems today -nights are lonely from meal time to bed-Try and have a fair day-Bologna and toast for lunch now you don't have to plan

Comment by joe kelly on April 13, 2018 at 7:24am

Morgan,  Thanks for the post.  It's not even 3 months since I lost my wonderful wife and I decided that I'm not interested in "getting better".  That's what those who say they want to help want me to do.  I have a few friends that understand, one of which lost his wife 8 months ago.  He feels the same way and says that most of the people wanting to fix us never had TRUE LOVE with someone for most of their lives.  One therapist I saw because he lost his wife a couple of years ago.  Well, he has a girl friend already and says that his wife would had wanted him to have a happy full life.  My love gave me a full happy life and when she died, so did I because "We Two BECAME One".  I don't want to "be fixed".  I just want to join her.  I'll function the best I can but she's on my mine 24/7 and the pain will always be there till I join her.  I hope sooner rather than later.  Thanks to all who share here.

Comment by Linda Engberg on April 13, 2018 at 6:44am

Morgan,

All that you shared in your post, is exactly the way I feel, if it wasn't for my beautiful dog Babie J I think I would go crazy, she is the only thing keeping me going, she is 13 and not in good health. When she passes I really believe I will go mad. Even though I have her I go through this world like a zombie. 

Comment by Alice Thompson on April 13, 2018 at 3:25am

morgan, I am with you. It feels so unimaginably bad... it IS unimaginably bad, this ultimate loss we are suffering, living with. Who would want to go on under these circumstances that we are experiencing? Some people don’t feel as bad. Everyone’s grief is different — that is said so often, but many seem to forget this, apparently thinking if they are OK again after bereavement, we can all be OK. Sending you a big hug (and clinging on even if you try to fight me off), Alice x

bluebird, thank you so much for the reassurance :-)

Comment by morgan on April 13, 2018 at 1:37am

For most of the five plus years I have been enduring the loss of my beloved husband I have tried very hard to see if there was a way to make the pain I cope with "better".  Keeping myself super busy, finally getting up some courage to join a group of interest, keep trying to explain to people close to me how I try to cope, etc etc.  

Now I am angry.  It is a different kind of angry but I'll try to explain.  Because I think I have tried so hard to not give up/give in I have battled the grief I continually thought I was going to find a reason, a way where life would seem less miserable.  

Today I just have given up trying to pretend there is something that is going to help me and all I am is pissed that I am breathing.  I am so angry that because I am breathing I am being forced to participate in a world that I hate.  I have no need for any of this and I get to the point where I talk to the air and tell my husband how pissed I am that he left me back here to have to keep getting through days.  Not because I cant because after five plus years I have proven that I can but because every single day of this grueling task of living I have no desire to be here.  No desire at all.  It doesn't matter what I do.  How things are.  Inevitably during each and every day I am mad that I am being forced to live out this life.  

I continue to attempt to do the things necessary to pay bills and even that, I have decided that I will continue but if I run out of money before I can get something done that I am working on I am just going to throw in the towel.  I don't give a shit anymore.  And when I cry some of he breakdowns are just the worst.  Two days ago I had such a bad one that had my neighbor friend not come by (yes, she called as though my husband had sent her a message that she should call to see what I was doing) I was really in a very bad place.  She talked me through it and I was totally exhausted.  Then the next day I can only wonder to myself how I can go that far down when the next day I am able to get up and at least start on another day.  Whats with this brain?

I read and listen to each of you and hear some here are better able to define how to deal with their grief but most of us I see as flailing around with no answers and wondering what next and how to.  

I am tired and once again it is almost 3am and what do I care?  Why bother with a decent sleep schedule?  Why bother eating well?  Why worry about getting a disease?  I'm so over it all.  Just tired of having to breathe.

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