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Lost My Spouse...

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on March 14, 2018 at 7:04am

Today is mine and Julian's 37th anniversary, 3/14/81, even though he is heaven and I am living in hell, we are still married, just in different places.

Comment by Alice Thompson on March 13, 2018 at 4:56pm

Thanks to you too, JenShep. It does me so much good to be able to tell someone who knows what I am talking about. My continuing relationship with him is the most real part of my life now, and while I do mention it to some people, mostly I let them believe I mean it in a kind of metaphorical way, not that he’s actually right beside me touching me. I tell my children about it, but who knows what they really believe? Your experiences are beautiful. With love, Alice

Comment by JenShep on March 13, 2018 at 12:52pm

Nancy,

Yup, yup, yup. I know I shouldn't compare with other people's losses but I do think this is the worst. We lose our biggest love and we lose in all parts of life too. We eat dinner alone. We go to bed alone. We don't have someone to run to the grocery store for us to pick up the one thing we need for dinner. I see my neighbors out taking a walk together and I no longer have anyone to take a walk with. We don't have our spouse to spend holidays with. To go out to dinner with. To complain about work or family to. To cry to. When the kitchen sink leaks all over the floor, we have to handle it ourselves all while completely falling apart. We have to carry all the heavy stuff by ourselves. We are the odd ones out among all of the married couples - which highlights our loss and our difference. We don't have that one person who always has our back anymore. It is 100% life altering in every aspect. I find it difficult when parents who have lost adult children compare with me. My great aunt lost her daughter at age 21 and her husband late in life and said that there was nothing harder than losing her husband. It sucks. 

Comment by JenShep on March 13, 2018 at 12:41pm

Alice, Thank you so much. Your comment did a lot for me - it made me feel really good!  I've had so many times where I'm convinced that Tom is with me. I heard his voice for the first time in a year and a half just a few weeks ago. (This was a couple of days after I tried a Reiki session to help open my mind to communicating with him. I'm definitely going to try that again!) I have actually felt him climb in bed and wrap himself around me. I've had signs that just have no other explanation. But, I can always talk myself out of them. Or when I go through a period where I get nothing from him, I lose my faith. Just hearing that you are certain, really meant so much to me and helps a lot. I wanted to thank you for that. I love that you feel his participation in your continuing relationship - that is the way I think of my relationship with Tom. Next Tuesday is our wedding anniversary and I feel that I'm still married to him and that he's here with me as much as he can be. I absolutely feel that we are still in this relationship together. I always want more though. Like you, everything is so much better when I have a "visit" or feeling or sign and then when a lot of time goes by without one I fall again to my depths. 

I also appreciate your feeling that there's a lot you can do for your children with this "shell of a life." I feel the same way - about my friends, my clients at work, my mom. I just keep sticking around, thinking about the joyous day when I get to join Tom but hoping to do some good while I'm stuck here. 

Anyway, thank you for that little boost. Whenever I think of your words, my spirits lift a bit :)

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 12, 2018 at 6:48am

Nancy,

Wow, I love your post, that is me to a "T" on March 14 it would have been our 37th wedding anniversary, I wish I could join him in heaven everyday of my life. 

Comment by bluebird on March 11, 2018 at 2:27pm

Too fucking right, Nancy.

And for me, at least, it stays that way, all of it.

I wish "widow brain" were as well-known by the general public as "pregnancy brain". 

Comment by Nancy on March 11, 2018 at 12:27pm

Comment by Alice Thompson on March 9, 2018 at 12:53pm

Hello JenShep, I feel a similar way. Even though I don’t want to go on with life, I am clear now that taking the fatal step would devastate my adult children. That loss would do them more harm than my big loss has done or can do to me — at this mid-life stage. I would go through fire before hurting them. And there’s a lot I can do with this shell of a life to be of use to them. So here I will remain until I am taken home to my love. But I do communicate with him, here and now, and he communicates with me. I have been absolutely certain of this for quite some time now, though in the early days — and in fact for a long time after his death — I sometimes thought it was an illusion. The physical form of it is a localised glow of warmth in my tissues. It is not random in its timing, and it cannot be made to happen by my conscious will. Looking back, I have felt this form of spiritual connection before, for example at my mother’s funeral after returning to my seat having delivered a tribute to her. I feel extremely lucky to perceive this active participation from him in our continuing relationship. Beyond lucky. I know for sure he’s here and he knows how things are for me. Through my experience, I now know humans can continue to exist after they die. I am also coming to believe some things about the nature of the separation of death. One is that though communication is possible, it is limited. I don’t know what these limits are, but I have some ideas. I feel blissful when we are actively communicating — as if I have found myself in heaven — but lost and grieving a lot of the rest of the time. I hope your communication with your love develops, thrives and nourishes you.

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on March 9, 2018 at 12:09pm

Morgan I hear you and feel the same about my relationship with my husband. I am cut adrift from the intertwing of our souls and live with such deep pain I cannot cry I wish I could

Comment by morgan on March 9, 2018 at 11:58am

Linda,  I too have tried so hard to live without my husband but so many things still trip me up.  And for so many of the years I kept thinking that somehow I would find a way to have less of the "missing" and more of the "living".  We had a very close, intense relationship.  It was not a marriage of mutual acceptance it was a marriage of deep intertwining of our spirits.  I think there are couples who have what we had whether they had a short time together or a long time.  It wasn't convenience but passion that bound us together.  And I don't mean just physicality.  Similar likes, beliefs and a zest for life whether we always agreed or not we lived it deeply.  Sometimes there is the kind of soul connection that prevails on our brain and wont let go no matter how hard we try to rewire it to live again.  

I don't do religious faith anymore because my childhood catholic atonement messaging has done enough damage.  I struggle with feeling guilty at times and I know where that comes from.  Religion  (for me) carries way too much baggage.  I have tried to tough out the mental pain of this feeling of abandonment using crying as my relief valve rather than drugs.   I am an old zen styled holistic person and think I need to "feel" what my brain is telling me so I have steered away from the antidepressants etc.  Not that it may not have helped, I just chose the whole experience.  Of course that has led to some major physical complications after this long of having my neural network assaulted but I needed to not put any barriers between me and what I thought I needed to "feel".  Just me.

As a result of the above I have, like you, moved further and further away from engaging with mostly everyone. Self protection.   I have one person who continues to slog through this with me and gives me phone time on a daily basis and who knows who I was when I was part of a couple and empathizes with my struggles.  Then I have a few other people  (maybe four)who are in my life but will never be able to relate totally but they have tried to be helpful.

What I find is I am now functioning better but the emotional impact of my husbands death is like a slow growing cancer.  I am slowly dying.  How quickly the mental pain of living without him will kill me is anyone's guess but the actual pain is real and it isn't going away.  And its not a "depressive" reaction.  Its what happens to anyone whose atoms have been entangled on a primal level.  Something in this universe will not allow me to uncouple enough to stop having moments of complete collapse.  And they get worse in a way I cant even explain.  All along I have been trying to "explain" to myself but now I have to accept that there is no other way than the way I am living now that will "heal" me.  Its why I stay away from most of life and choose only when and what I am going to do to still pay bills and have some interaction on a level where I can still use part of my brain so I don't go completely stir crazy.

Its a fine damn line......I walk on eggshells.  I never know what or when I am going to start digging into my hole.  And my hole is crying.   Crying like I never thought possible.  Its the only way I can get the pain out of my system.  But going from one crying spell to another is how I now live.  I plan how I live around trying not to cry, not trying to live.  But I know that the crying is my drug of choice.  It is how my body and brain is trying to express the deepness of his absence.

Anyhow I have rambled on enough..............I see myself giving up and being more determined to push any button that might bring a quicker end.......And you have it right........it is what it is......it just is........

 

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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"You are right. I became conditioned with my mom. Every health crisis that my mom would have was traumatic for me. And then there would be that ray of light. I would have mom safe at home once again. I developed some false hope. But as time passed…"
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M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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