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Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: Sep 11

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on March 14, 2018 at 7:04am

Today is mine and Julian's 37th anniversary, 3/14/81, even though he is heaven and I am living in hell, we are still married, just in different places.

Comment by JenShep on March 13, 2018 at 12:52pm

Nancy,

Yup, yup, yup. I know I shouldn't compare with other people's losses but I do think this is the worst. We lose our biggest love and we lose in all parts of life too. We eat dinner alone. We go to bed alone. We don't have someone to run to the grocery store for us to pick up the one thing we need for dinner. I see my neighbors out taking a walk together and I no longer have anyone to take a walk with. We don't have our spouse to spend holidays with. To go out to dinner with. To complain about work or family to. To cry to. When the kitchen sink leaks all over the floor, we have to handle it ourselves all while completely falling apart. We have to carry all the heavy stuff by ourselves. We are the odd ones out among all of the married couples - which highlights our loss and our difference. We don't have that one person who always has our back anymore. It is 100% life altering in every aspect. I find it difficult when parents who have lost adult children compare with me. My great aunt lost her daughter at age 21 and her husband late in life and said that there was nothing harder than losing her husband. It sucks. 

Comment by JenShep on March 13, 2018 at 12:41pm

Alice, Thank you so much. Your comment did a lot for me - it made me feel really good!  I've had so many times where I'm convinced that Tom is with me. I heard his voice for the first time in a year and a half just a few weeks ago. (This was a couple of days after I tried a Reiki session to help open my mind to communicating with him. I'm definitely going to try that again!) I have actually felt him climb in bed and wrap himself around me. I've had signs that just have no other explanation. But, I can always talk myself out of them. Or when I go through a period where I get nothing from him, I lose my faith. Just hearing that you are certain, really meant so much to me and helps a lot. I wanted to thank you for that. I love that you feel his participation in your continuing relationship - that is the way I think of my relationship with Tom. Next Tuesday is our wedding anniversary and I feel that I'm still married to him and that he's here with me as much as he can be. I absolutely feel that we are still in this relationship together. I always want more though. Like you, everything is so much better when I have a "visit" or feeling or sign and then when a lot of time goes by without one I fall again to my depths. 

I also appreciate your feeling that there's a lot you can do for your children with this "shell of a life." I feel the same way - about my friends, my clients at work, my mom. I just keep sticking around, thinking about the joyous day when I get to join Tom but hoping to do some good while I'm stuck here. 

Anyway, thank you for that little boost. Whenever I think of your words, my spirits lift a bit :)

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 12, 2018 at 6:48am

Nancy,

Wow, I love your post, that is me to a "T" on March 14 it would have been our 37th wedding anniversary, I wish I could join him in heaven everyday of my life. 

Comment by bluebird on March 11, 2018 at 2:27pm

Too fucking right, Nancy.

And for me, at least, it stays that way, all of it.

I wish "widow brain" were as well-known by the general public as "pregnancy brain". 

Comment by Nancy on March 11, 2018 at 12:27pm

Comment by Marjorie Willcox on March 9, 2018 at 12:09pm

Morgan I hear you and feel the same about my relationship with my husband. I am cut adrift from the intertwing of our souls and live with such deep pain I cannot cry I wish I could

Comment by morgan on March 9, 2018 at 11:58am

Linda,  I too have tried so hard to live without my husband but so many things still trip me up.  And for so many of the years I kept thinking that somehow I would find a way to have less of the "missing" and more of the "living".  We had a very close, intense relationship.  It was not a marriage of mutual acceptance it was a marriage of deep intertwining of our spirits.  I think there are couples who have what we had whether they had a short time together or a long time.  It wasn't convenience but passion that bound us together.  And I don't mean just physicality.  Similar likes, beliefs and a zest for life whether we always agreed or not we lived it deeply.  Sometimes there is the kind of soul connection that prevails on our brain and wont let go no matter how hard we try to rewire it to live again.  

I don't do religious faith anymore because my childhood catholic atonement messaging has done enough damage.  I struggle with feeling guilty at times and I know where that comes from.  Religion  (for me) carries way too much baggage.  I have tried to tough out the mental pain of this feeling of abandonment using crying as my relief valve rather than drugs.   I am an old zen styled holistic person and think I need to "feel" what my brain is telling me so I have steered away from the antidepressants etc.  Not that it may not have helped, I just chose the whole experience.  Of course that has led to some major physical complications after this long of having my neural network assaulted but I needed to not put any barriers between me and what I thought I needed to "feel".  Just me.

As a result of the above I have, like you, moved further and further away from engaging with mostly everyone. Self protection.   I have one person who continues to slog through this with me and gives me phone time on a daily basis and who knows who I was when I was part of a couple and empathizes with my struggles.  Then I have a few other people  (maybe four)who are in my life but will never be able to relate totally but they have tried to be helpful.

What I find is I am now functioning better but the emotional impact of my husbands death is like a slow growing cancer.  I am slowly dying.  How quickly the mental pain of living without him will kill me is anyone's guess but the actual pain is real and it isn't going away.  And its not a "depressive" reaction.  Its what happens to anyone whose atoms have been entangled on a primal level.  Something in this universe will not allow me to uncouple enough to stop having moments of complete collapse.  And they get worse in a way I cant even explain.  All along I have been trying to "explain" to myself but now I have to accept that there is no other way than the way I am living now that will "heal" me.  Its why I stay away from most of life and choose only when and what I am going to do to still pay bills and have some interaction on a level where I can still use part of my brain so I don't go completely stir crazy.

Its a fine damn line......I walk on eggshells.  I never know what or when I am going to start digging into my hole.  And my hole is crying.   Crying like I never thought possible.  Its the only way I can get the pain out of my system.  But going from one crying spell to another is how I now live.  I plan how I live around trying not to cry, not trying to live.  But I know that the crying is my drug of choice.  It is how my body and brain is trying to express the deepness of his absence.

Anyhow I have rambled on enough..............I see myself giving up and being more determined to push any button that might bring a quicker end.......And you have it right........it is what it is......it just is........

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 9, 2018 at 6:07am

Hello Friends,

I am still broken after 5 years and cannot fix myself. I have tried everything I can think of to live life without my Husband, I give up, just going to spend my live alone as I do not fit in the world anymore. It is what it is. 

Comment by JenShep on March 8, 2018 at 10:19pm

Morgan,

The only thing that keeps me here is thinking about how much my mom would suffer if I were gone AND the idea that I would have to come back in a next life and go through this again. I can't imagine having to do this again in another life. That would mean that this year and a half of suffering was for nothing. I need answers. I think I need to buckle down and try harder to connect with Tom. Or to figure out why I'm still here. If all of these ideas are wrong and it's really just "lights out" when you die, then I'm with you - leaning towards tying up my affairs and taking the step I've also considered since day 1. But I think I need to do more research first lol. (Is this just my survival instinct kicking in?) I just wonder if maybe you could focus on something similar - if maybe that would help you a bit? What if we can learn to communicate with our loves somehow? (That would be amazing.) I know you've been at this for a long time. And I don't blame you for thinking the way you're thinking. I totally feel the same way. Just trying to find something that might be helpful to both of us...

 

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dream moon JO B replied to dream moon JO B's discussion mad at god
"evry now agan i still loss my way i do"
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Kim Darichuk is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Sep 11
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Today we Remember 9/11. I can't even imagine the terror and heartbreak the families must still have. Losing my Husband Julian under normal circumstances was bad enough.  God Bless all the people that still suffer from this horrible…"
Sep 11
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Dear Morgan, Thanks so very much for your supportive letter. Sorry i didn't see it before. I replied to it just now, Sending you love and good wishes."
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you friends for sharing your thoughts. I don't know what I do, if I didn't have this place to come to. We are all suffering and the real world just doesn't understand what we are going through. I miss the tender touch of my…"
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Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I have nothing that I want to or have to, to keep me busy except doing what I'm doing which has to have something to do with Her.  Like yesterday, I found a small  3/4 X 2 1/2 inch bottle with a cork when I went to the dollar store…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Trina, Check your inbox for a message from me. Joe,  So true.  That's exactly why I post here too.  I keep thinking if I get it off my chest and out into cyberspace at least I know I wont be suffering alone.  That consoles…"
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Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello All, I am sorry that I have not posted here for a while now to show my support for you. On August 4th it was the fifth anniversary of Joseph's passing. I just don't have the strength or energy anymore to keep pushing to survive each…"
Sep 9
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm in the 19th month and don't know what to say, except that the only time I'm not living this horrible nightmare is when I sleep and don't dream at all.  Even when I post in a way to try to console anyone here, in a way,…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, Once again I want to Thank You for sharing you thoughts with us. You put into words the things I don't know how to express."
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Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Avi, I don't mean to be a downer, but I am not sure there is an end to our grief. I know mine is still going strong. I wish the good things in my life were as consistent as this is. We have to keep moving though. Keep taking baby steps. Assay…"
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"John T,   I saw your post late late last night.  I see you are still doing your best to cope. I remember a time that I wasn't even coping. I was barely standing.  After six years seven months I have become anesthetized.…"
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Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi All, Today I suddenly had grief all over the day. I miss my mother a lot and it seems that there is no end to this grief. Hope I meet her someday when I leave this world.  Just wanted to share my feelings here because people around me…"
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thinking of you John T.  I understand.  "
Sep 7
John T. replied to Elynn m's discussion Lonely again
"5 years since my wife died suddenly of heart failure right in front of me.  The time since that day has been just awful and when I reached this anniversary, I just couldn't believe it.  All I think about is all the years ahead without…"
Sep 7
John T. commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of the death of my wife.  I spent the day unable to believe it has been 5 years but somewhat surprised at how well I handled the day.  Today I have kept having outbursts of crying and overwhelming memories…"
Sep 7
Emmyk replied to Amy R's discussion So many questions in the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man
"That is horrific for you. Im so sorry. Just know yoy aren't alone. Know we dont think you are some kind of monster and know that we validate what you guys had and the love that existed there. Try not to fixate on the particulars that you have…"
Sep 4
Joe Kelly left a comment for Maria
"Maria, The only comfort I can possibly provide is that your mother and father are blissfully reunited eternally in spirit.  I lost my wife to cancer over 18 months ago.  We were together since age 16 and would had celebrated our 50th…"
Sep 3

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