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Lost My Spouse...

Members: 337
Latest Activity: 12 hours ago

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There Is No Loss 10 Replies

While I admit to being psychologically complex lol, I realize how ignorant I have been. I have spent time going after women who resemble Her in any sort of way. After all the days and nights gazing…Continue

Started by Jon-Paul Ackerman. Last reply by Linda Engberg on Saturday.

Lost wife 2 Replies

i lost my wife Katherine after 3 months of battle with cancer on dec 28/17.  We are to young for this, she was 36 and I’m 41.  We have 4 kids between 12-17. She was one of a kind person.  We were…Continue

Started by Ronald mclaren. Last reply by Dawn W Jan 10.

Over 3 years now... 13 Replies

My Wife came to me again seeming very disappointed with my sadness. She relayed to me that I should be rejoicing that I have Her for eternity rather than being depressed that She's absent physically.…Continue

Started by Jon-Paul Ackerman. Last reply by Linda Engberg Jan 8.

lost my soulmate 3 Replies

I lost my partner very suddenly in October (2017) the night before he was fine, we put the kids to bed and he was laughing and joking as he always did, we'd even planned to go for breakfast the next…Continue

Started by L.O. Last reply by Elynn m Jan 3.

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Comment by Elynn m on Saturday

Jennifer,

I'm so sorry.  Your husband was so young.  It is very hard to imagine life without our precious husbands.  We can help each other here. I am very grateful for this site.  I am free to express my feelings, because I know that the friends here understand what I'm going through, unlike others are able to do.   Jennifer, please continue to join us, because I'm sure we can glean from your wisdom and experience.

Comment by Jennifer Vecchio on Friday

Hi. I am new to this group. I recently lost my husband who was just 37 years old this December. It was shocking and very traumatic for me. We were together for 15 years. I am completely devasted and can't even imagine a life without him in it! I don't know what to do. Everyday it gets harder and harder. I feel so alone. 

Comment by bluebird on January 6, 2018 at 7:03pm

morgan,

I know what you mean. Before I met my husband I had published poems, completed college and grad school, backpacked around Europe, worked at a law firm, lived in my own apartment, etc.  Then once I met him my life expanded even more, he was and is the love of my life, my only love, and we enriched each other. Our life wasn't perfect, but I had things I enjoyed, and I was able to DO things (alone and with my husband).

Not anymore, not since my husband died. Like you, I can't watch anything with loving couples, and I don't want to see them in real life either (nor couples/families with young kids, which now I will never have). I can't buy or eat the foods he and/or we loved. I can't watch the tv shows we enjoyed together. I can't do this either.

It's as you said, "....the remembering of how content I was rears its head and I come crashing down."  I would say that I don't even give the impression of having things together or making progress, I doubt anyone would say that of me  now (especially my family, who know better), but even so, if I am having an ok moment/day it all crashes back into me, knowing how much I love him, and how we will never have our life together as we should have, and that he is dead, and that I will never be happy again in this life.  Never. So what is the point?

At the very least, allow yourself to "....crawl in bed, pull up the covers and stop" on some days/nights, the worst ones.  It sucks that it's necessary, but you are entitled to do it if you want/need to.

I initially came to websites like this one looking not for ways to stop my grief, but for some proof of an afterlife. I have not found that, in part I think because I've realized that nothing anyone else experiences or says could possibly be proof enough for me. I can only accept such proof from my husband, from him coming to me somehow.

As you said, it's that I cannot live without him. Any time I have lived and will live since he died is wasted.  

I know you feel much as I do; I truly do hope you are able to find some peace, however that may come.

Comment by bluebird on January 6, 2018 at 6:47pm

Maybe so, Linda, I don't know. I only know that while I have moments in which I am able to function somewhat (I go to work, though I am nowhere near as bright and capable as I used to be; I go to the grocery store; I do the laundry; I pay the bills; etc.), and even moments in which I am not miserable, the fact is that the point and focus of my life is gone. And it's not as though my husband was the only important person/thing in my life -- I also love my family, I am a published poet in literary mags and was hoping to publish books, I loved to travel, I was looking forward to us at some point buying and decorating a house, I had an Etsy shop in which I sold vintage goods found at thrift shops and flea markets, I loved to read (all my life), etc.  And none of that matters to me anymore, except the love I have for my family and that they have for me.  

When you're married/partnered, your future is with that person. My soul was and is intertwined with my husband's, he and I absolutely are soulmates.

Comment by morgan on January 6, 2018 at 6:08pm

I'd never been one to give up.  Until my husband died.  Now I cannot battle the war my brain wants to wage in my head and the emotion that my heart wants me to absorb.  I cant watch movies that have couples in them or have a plot about love.  I cant go to a store without remembering what I would have bought because he liked it.  I cant touch his clothing without breaking up and wanting him to be in the next room.  I cant do this.  

I've been in a really rough place for far too long.  Its had ups when I go through the motions as though I have energy and motivation and then the spectre of the sadness, the remembering of how content I was rears its head and I come crashing down.

I have moved, built, organized, decided and in general done what most people would see from the outside looking in at me as getting the better of the loss.  Not.  Even.  Close.

I want to crawl in bed, pull up the covers and stop.  I read here in the hopes I am going to get some spark of inspiration where someone else mentions what they did that I havent tried to stop the grief.  But I seriously have done pretty much all of what others have written about.  And I really have to thank each of you for writing about your ongoing experiences in trying to turn loss into gain but its not working for me.  I just cannot do it.  I don't know why but its not happening. 

I need something more that convinces me that this ugliness is somehow worth hanging onto.  My downs have gotten really deep.  I could say its the cold weather, I could say its money, I could say its the overwhelming amount of work I have in front of me to tie up our affairs but it would be a lie. Its not that at all.  In fact those are the hours where I seem "normal".  

No, its that I miss him.  Its that I cant live without him.  And day by day that is becoming more apparent.  I am struggling to stay alive and I've been doing so for what seems so long in time.  Do I come out of the downs?  Yes, but how long must I endure?  And can I? 

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 6, 2018 at 1:50pm

Bluebird,

I was told only 2 -4 percent have complicated grief and the ones who have it were true soulmates, not a husband or wife. 

Comment by bluebird on January 6, 2018 at 12:23pm

I don't understand people who have had their spouse/partner die and who don't experience what some call "complicated grief". I don't understand how anyone can in any way or to any degree "recover" from this. Clearly some people do, but I don't understand how or why. I'm not saying they are wrong to do so, I'm saying that I literally don't understand it. I think that when it comes to the death of a spouse/partner, the assumption should be that the grief is and always will be complicated, and then if someone is an exception that's fine.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 6, 2018 at 6:25am

Comment by M Adams on January 5, 2018 at 6:29pm

Stewart, thank you -- you're saying exactly what I've been feeling, and just hearing it really helps.  It's like I don't want to not have the pain of bereavement, but I know that sounds weird and self indulgent, and it's more complicated than that.  You express the strange mixed feelings perfectly.

Comment by stewart p on January 5, 2018 at 6:10pm

Maxey, you description of a sailboat adrift in the sea describes how i feel everyday.  You said something that caught my eye when you mentioned "trying to fill the void".  May I suggest to stop trying to fill the void and begin accepting that it is here to stay and just a part of life now?  Ive just started accepting it more as the years roll by because otherwise there was no relief, well actually I didnt have a choice because I couldnt leave this life (we have 2 kids) and after trying to "get back to normal" which didnt work I thought Id try another way of looking at it.  And now its like what can I do with this horrible pain I felt nearly every day and that is when I started feeling ok with it as strange as that may seem.  Well not ok, but you know what I mean I think.  I dont think the pain ever goes away, I just got use to it and then started to try to use it, how that looks like down the road  I have no idea and is probably different for everyone, but there is something there that we cant let go I feel like because if I do than Im letting go of the one I loved.  Thats just my 2 cents for now, who knows how Ill feel next week, month or year right?  Just trying to get by one day at a time

 

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I love my Dad.

For everyone that has lost their Dad.
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Jennifer updated their profile
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