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Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: Jul 7

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The Holiday Season and my loss 1 Reply

This Christmas Season this year is very hard.Family gatherings are wonderful but l feel my husband not being so much more.Seeing everyone makes it more real that Ron is not here.The tears are in my…Continue

Started by Denise Lavoie. Last reply by Linda Engberg Dec 24, 2018.

Lost my wife 14 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Nov 12, 2018.

Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 3 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Fran Oct 19, 2018.

FAILING 9 Replies

next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to…Continue

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Corinne C. Rico Oct 4, 2018.

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Comment by bluebird on December 30, 2017 at 3:38pm

Alice, you are definitely not the only one. I try to comment on people's posts when I see that they feel much like I do, and/or when it's been a while since they posted and no one else has commented.  I try to make it clear that the way my beloved's death affects me is not necessarily the way a similar death affects everyone, that some people want to and are able to find some happiness or peace in life.

It's a difficult line to walk.  I feel that it's important to let those people who are devastated by their spouse/partner's death and feel that they always will be, that they are not alone in feeling that way, and sometimes that is how it is; at the same time, it's also important to not discourage those who feel that they may be able to still live and do something with their lives and be happy.  I generally try to state that there are people on this site who can give them that sort of support, because there are (I'm just not one of them).

I think both experiences are valid (and anything in between), and it's important that both views are expressed here, both for those expressing those views and for those who read here (and may or may not actually comment) possibly hoping that they will find other people who feel as they do.

Comment by morgan on December 30, 2017 at 3:20pm

oops. hit button accidentally. Alice,  I know this time of year particularly tonight will be a devastating memory for you.  Kind of like what Christmas Eve Day and the day after Xmas is for me. The beginning of an end. And I still cannot stop remembering the painful end.  I also cannot stop remembering the joyous days.  I just realize its not about me forgetting that's the problem, its that I keep remembering. And when I am not trying to distract myself and my thoughts take center stage the memories of the two of us together in good times or bad, just plow me under.  

The faces of grief have changed.  From day one to today I have watched myself from an intellectual space, go ballistic on an emotional level.  No matter how hard I try nor how much I can wax philosophical about life and death his essence has been embedded in me and there is no way to ease the assault that it takes on my senses.  My immune system is now taking over and I am watching as I deteriorate but that is ok.  In fact it is welcome except for the pain and the aloneness.  But i think I prefer it to having to stay around for long.

Its like now I MUST go through a cry every morning.  Before it was  every night.  Of course that is along with other times that it sneaks up and pounds me for some other reason.  Can be anywhere, anytime.  Almost the same as it was from day one.  I remember in the first couple weeks having to go buy groceries and ending up with my face plastered into a corner of the freezer aisle just bawling my eyes out.  I've gotten better at grocery shopping but other places now take that place.

Thats why I say the faces of grief have changed....Some older places and faces don't trigger me as much but it hasn't really stopped.......bottom line is I cannot get over his death.  I cant make it any better.  

So when 10 pm comes tonight I will be thinking of you and how hard it is going to be for you to remember and how I wish for all of us that this "death" thing was anything else but what it is.  I wonder what has happened to so many of the people who have come here.  George, Mel, Michael Thompson, Tildyc, John T, rina, Anne J, Richard, Hilary Christine, and all the other names of people whose lives are quieted by death.  I know they are out there I just wonder how they are doing.  

I have used this website as a lifeline.  I feel like I can come here and just lay myself bare and not be lectured or judged but just understood.  Its my one way of treating my "disease".  I too don't like to tell the newest members of this site how its been for me in the hopes it will be different for them as we all cope in different ways.  But I thank those who can help me understand I am not alone in my feelings.

And to anyone in those little boxes in the columns off to the side that appear on a regular basis.  You are heard and though we might not respond to each of you its only because our energy is limited.  Its everything we can do, many of us, just to stay afloat.  May all of you find some amount of time where the memories of your love bring you closer to them somehow in some way.  I'll try too.

Comment by Paul on December 30, 2017 at 2:57pm

Alice,

You should not feel at all guilty for expressing your true feelings. You, I and the others here have been cruelly and unwillingly put in this, our worst nightmares come true, without any foolproof way to cope with it.

Comment by morgan on December 30, 2017 at 2:43pm

Alice

Comment by stewart p on December 30, 2017 at 1:52pm

I'm trying dancing lessons for a few months, always thought it would be neat and I cant dance worth 2 cents, for now.  If nothing else it helps keep me busy, distracted and finding something different to do, otherwise its too easy to sit here and continually sink further into missing my wife.  Not trying to "forget", but I find it helps when Im busy sometimes with things besides just work or the dishes.  I dont know about any of you but the things I do Im do with her, its just she's in my heart now more than ever and not standing beside me, but Im not going to let her down.  Anyway, Im done tearing up now, time to go outside and smile about something

Comment by bluebird on December 30, 2017 at 10:32am

Adding my voice to this sad chorus.

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 30, 2017 at 5:41am

Morgan,

I feel the same as you. As 2018 is approaching it's just another year of misery and closer to joining him.

Comment by Nancy on December 28, 2017 at 8:43pm

I agree with you all.  I too keep thinking Dale will return or contact me somehow.  Our 44th Anniversary is tomorrow.  I'm starting to really wonder if there is anything after life on earth.....I hate to say that but I've had no real signs like some others mention.  I read several books on the topic and some are really bizarre.  I hope I'm wrong.  I just am like JenShep where I feel like I'm running a marathon.  He passed in May.  I can't quite believe it yet.

Comment by Paul on December 28, 2017 at 8:36pm

morgan and JenShep,

Both of your comments really hit home with me. There is seemingly no way out of this relentless hell.

Comment by JenShep on December 28, 2017 at 6:39pm

I'm so sorry Morgan. I think I feel just like you do. I think there's a part of my brain that thinks that Tom is coming back or that I will get to be with him soon. But that never comes. And it's like running a never ending marathon. When will this end? How long can I continue like this? I also ask for help... into the thin air. From Tom. From my spirit guides?? (I don't know if I have them but some people seem to.) The problem is that nothing can help except being reunited with our loves. I ask: Haven't I learned my lessons here on earth yet? Can't I go yet? How much longer? I don't know what to do with myself. I am in so much pain that I think it will kill me but it doesn't. And I wish it would. My ball and chain is that I am constantly trying to remember everything, to not let him go. I beat myself up for not being able to connect with him, to hear him, for not trying enough. I feel like I should be able to get my brain to open up to him, wherever he is. I also beat myself up for not being able to appreciate life without him. It must be a lesson I'm supposed to learn but I can't seem to get it. I existed before I knew him and I was fine. But I also didn't know the love and happiness that I knew with him. I also hadn't seen the pain and suffering I saw him go through. I just turned 44. I wish I were old so there wouldn't be too many years left of this nightmare. God, there could be 50 more. It's unfathomable. I want to take my life but I'm afraid of the consequences. I'm rambling. I'm sorry I can't offer much help except to say that I think I understand and that you're not alone. And that I hate to think of you or anyone else feeling this way because it is hell. I wish better for all of us. 

 

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