Lost My Spouse...

Members: 325
Latest Activity: yesterday

Discussion Forum

Total numbness 12 Replies

It is nearing 2 years since I lost my husband, and I have one week where I think things might be getting better, then the next week I crash into darkness again.I keep thinking something must really…Continue

Started by Maxey. Last reply by Ericka Dec 4.

There is no remedy for love but to love more. – Henry David Thoreau 1 Reply

This phrase has been on my mind a lot over the last few months. I hadn't realized that it was from Thoreau, but it speaks to me and seems to be comforting, so thought I would copy it here.

Started by M Adams. Last reply by M Adams Nov 11.

Who's the one who's selfish 9 Replies

My daughter came home from San Diego where she's stationed inn the Navy. I was talking to her about wanting to be with her Mom who's passed. She automatically got upset because she didn't like me…Continue

Started by Kevin Bailey. Last reply by M Ferruzza Nov 1.

Another Long Weekend Alone 7 Replies

This weekend will be the fifth Labor Day I have not been able to celebrate with my Husband, thanks to the devil's disease cancer. As far as I am concerned one day is the same as next, just waiting to…Continue

Started by Linda Engberg. Last reply by Linda Engberg Sep 9.

Comment Wall


You need to be a member of Lost My Spouse... to add comments!

Comment by morgan on November 19, 2017 at 2:02am

I don't know how the rest of you are doing but I seem to not be able to get a handle on living.  I function and work but I keep remembering.  And when I do I end up so desperate for him.  I just don't know how much longer I can do this.  I cant sleep right.  I cant eat right.  I cant have a conversation with someone without ending up crying.  I am just so tired of living in a constant state of grief.  I cant forget him.  I cannot live without him.  I keep suffering through this.  Why am I afraid to do what it is I want to do?  Because I am afraid if I do I wont be reunited with his energy again.  How much longer will this old body hold out?  

During the day I try to keep myself busy so I don't have to think but eventually something at some point will trigger a remembrance and all I can think about is how much I loved that man.  How much he loved me.  And down I go.  The hole is much deeper but more narrow.  This is nothing but torture.  

I guess I've never come too far out of the fog because the pain of losing him has barely left me.  What a cruel, brutal incendiary way to have to live being left behind.


Comment by morgan on November 12, 2017 at 8:28pm

John, so sorry you're having a bad day.  I will be approaching five years in January.  The memories of my husband and who he was continue to haunt me everyday.  I am now resigned to knowing that I will not go more than 48 hours without crying.  Something I remember about him always triggers the tears.  

I cannot wrap my head around the fact he is dead.  Dead.  I don't know what that is other than he is in a box sitting on my living room table.  How is it possible he is gone?  How is it I will never see him again?  How am I supposed to pretend that this life means anything to me without him.  It doesn't.  

I hate it.  I want to be dead too.  I just cant seem to bring myself to ending it. I wonder what it would take to be able to end it. I certainly cant seem to use the means I have.  

I have spent the whole time trying to understand: why I am so devastated.  Why nothing means anything to me anymore.  Why I have such a hard time talking to people.  Why I don't want to live.  Why cant I end it.  Why is every decision a reminder of him and how hard it is to decide.  And then hating the fact I have to do it all on my own.  Most of all I don't want to be here on my own.  I want him back.  I want to hold him in my arms again and know the comfort of his body against mine.  I want for nothing else.  I wonder how people who are single or never had the kind of love I had, how do they live life and find joy?  Why cant I find any if they seem to?

Essentially I wonder how long my brain and body will hold out under this kind of stress.  When I drop into my meltdowns I just pray that it ends soon because the meltdowns are simply horrible now.  Painful.  Physically painful.  I have to prop myself into a position and cry it out because if I don't I am bound to erupt again in short order.

This has been the worst time of my life. Of course we had fights.  Of course he or I would get pissed at each other.  But I have never felt so abandoned.  So out of my element.  So angry that I have been left behind.  I don't know what it takes to get to a point where you simply refuse to take anymore but after this long I can only hope nature gets me soon.

Comment by Nancy on November 12, 2017 at 8:24pm
I had a bad day today too. Horrific sadness just swept over me. I'm still not over the shock. I talked everything over with him. I try to take 1 day at a time. Finding it's the same day after day. So much of a huge change and I feel like nothing matters really. Just like you said M.and John. Bless you and us all.
Comment by John T. on November 12, 2017 at 8:23pm

Thanks, M Adams.  When half the team is gone, it's devastating.  When half of who you are is gone, there seems to be no way to deal with it.  

Comment by M Adams on November 12, 2017 at 7:28pm
John, so sorry you are going through this -- have been struggling with the same problem about choices, even the smallest decisions are so difficult now. Stuff I would have dealt with quickly and easily without ever even asking my husband, now it's an agonizing process with endless stupid second guessing. In my case I think I've lost all confidence in making a right choice since losing him. Not very reasonable but seems to be the case. Spend a lot of time sort of paralyzed as a result, obsessed by minutiae. And yet nothing is important now, so why fret over anything?
Comment by John T. on November 12, 2017 at 7:00pm

There are times when it's just overwhelming and the pain is intense.  Today, for no reason at all, I keep muttering "how could you just die?"  If there had been a choice, I know she wouldn't have left me on my own.  Now, I live day to day, always thinking how hard it is to make choices without her input and common sense.  I am so lost without her.  Every single day, although I managed on my own so many times, I am lost.  I always knew she was there at the end of the day.  Now it seems the day never ends.  I connect with no one as I  did with her.  I may be functional but I am adrift.  This is a really bad day.

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 5, 2017 at 7:12am

Hi Elynn,

I experience the same thing, what I did was make new friends through grief groups and church, only people that have lost a spouse will understand what we are going through. I don't think friends mean to rude they just don't know what to say. I rescued wonderful dog Babie J and she is the light of my life. 

Comment by Elynn m on November 4, 2017 at 9:53pm

Feeling lonely today. I get really upset because friends haven't been in contact. I keep telling myself that they have their own lives, but I am not accepting that at this time! Is that selfish? I miss Joe so much. He was my best friend here on earth! Should I move away to a different state and make new friends? I am seriously considering it. Any suggestions???? Thank you!

Comment by Fran on November 2, 2017 at 3:32pm

Oct. 17th was our 30th anniversary. Nov. 6th will be 3 years since I lost Bill. In between I'm finding myself rather weepy...guess it doesn't help that I'm watching Hallmark Christmas movies to deal with it. I KNEW I would miss him, just didn't realize how much. There are times where I still turn and expect him to be walking down the hallway. This was his favorite time of year...hunting season!

Comment by stewart p on November 2, 2017 at 11:47am

Linda Engberg your talking about that poem?  Thanks though I can take no credit it for it.  I was bingeing on netflix again watching SOA for like the 4th time in a row, it gets kind of boring but its one of the few things I find takes my mind away from the present which is a nice escape for a while, the scene where he loses his wife i never listended to the song before, not that the episode isnt sad enough but that song really just, i dont know how to say it but just took a lot out of me.  Probably haven't been quite as tearful since 2 or 3 years ago.  Halloween?  All dark at my house, I hate being such a sour grape but what the hell do I care right now?  I dont, but hopefully and God willing one day I still find a little something here and there to smile around this life.


Members (325)


Latest Activity

Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Bluebell, my thoughts and prayers are with you. My brother called me the other day and he said are you ok? There is a twenty year age difference between us, so we are not that close and he lives five hours away. I said to him, yes I though you would…"
2 hours ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Another bad day. I was shopping for Christmas cards and gift bags when without warning, I broke down in tears at the register. Thank goodness the cashier was a sensitive caring person and did not just blow me off. She said "Your Mom will always…"
4 hours ago
Stephanie Coyle joined Courtney Adams's group

Suicide....Hard Knowing They did it By Their Choice

This is for some of us who have lost someone due to suicide...I miss you Annie!!!See More
12 hours ago
Profile IconJeff McDermott, Nichole, Deborah Davis and 2 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
13 hours ago
Alice Thompson commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you, Linda and Morgan. It just hurts so much for all of us."
bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Paul, Each of us have memories of a time and day of the death of our beloved.  Mine just happened to come at a time of the year when normally the excesses of celebrating kick into high gear.  Not better not worse than anyone else's…"
Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"My friend just lost her husband before Thanksgiving.   I'm trying to reach out to her, because I know how she feels, but she does not seem to want to respond.  She's keeping very busy!  I feel bad for her, but I guess…"
Elynn m commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you, Linda for posting that.   "
Peggy left a comment for Dawn W
"Hi Dawn, I saw your posts and wanted to introduce myself.  I'm also in Canada, in Ontario.  I lost my husband suddenly in 2015.  He had cancer but had been given 3 to 5 years and was gone in 8 weeks.  If you'd like to…"
kim posted a status
"my beautiful son, its x mas again, ill be with you soon I promise, I love you forever mom"
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Alice, I am so sorry, I know you holidays will never be the same again, we just make the best of it. "
Alice Thompson commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I feel the same. My love had a comprehensive stroke on 22 December, and died in hospital at 10pm on New Years Eve. Then I went “home” in a taxi amid fireworks."
Profile IconAnn Appa, Alison Eley, Hannah and 3 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan & Paul, I feel exactly like you do, I wish I could sleep the holidays away, I find no joy in them, it's just another day I am being tortured."
Paul commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, As hard as it is for the rest of us to endure the upcoming holidays it must be at least doubly difficult for you given the circumstances your husband and you were dealt with.  To everyone here who has put up with this hell for multiple…"
Maxey is now friends with Cheyenne Steffen and Pamela philipp
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Paul,  In particular this time of the year everyone who hasn't lost their love is celebrating.  I used to be one of them. Then one day a long time ago, I took my sick husband to the hospital Xmas Eve day and found out the day after…"
Paul commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Count me among those who are looking forward to death after losing my wife. I am absolutely not interested in anything else."
B.Windsor updated their profile

© 2017   Created by Jarvis.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service