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Lost My Spouse...

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Total numbness 12 Replies

It is nearing 2 years since I lost my husband, and I have one week where I think things might be getting better, then the next week I crash into darkness again.I keep thinking something must really…Continue

Started by Maxey. Last reply by Ericka Dec 4.

There is no remedy for love but to love more. – Henry David Thoreau 1 Reply

This phrase has been on my mind a lot over the last few months. I hadn't realized that it was from Thoreau, but it speaks to me and seems to be comforting, so thought I would copy it here.

Started by M Adams. Last reply by M Adams Nov 11.

Who's the one who's selfish 9 Replies

My daughter came home from San Diego where she's stationed inn the Navy. I was talking to her about wanting to be with her Mom who's passed. She automatically got upset because she didn't like me…Continue

Started by Kevin Bailey. Last reply by M Ferruzza Nov 1.

Another Long Weekend Alone 7 Replies

This weekend will be the fifth Labor Day I have not been able to celebrate with my Husband, thanks to the devil's disease cancer. As far as I am concerned one day is the same as next, just waiting to…Continue

Started by Linda Engberg. Last reply by Linda Engberg Sep 9.

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Comment by morgan on November 19, 2017 at 2:02am

I don't know how the rest of you are doing but I seem to not be able to get a handle on living.  I function and work but I keep remembering.  And when I do I end up so desperate for him.  I just don't know how much longer I can do this.  I cant sleep right.  I cant eat right.  I cant have a conversation with someone without ending up crying.  I am just so tired of living in a constant state of grief.  I cant forget him.  I cannot live without him.  I keep suffering through this.  Why am I afraid to do what it is I want to do?  Because I am afraid if I do I wont be reunited with his energy again.  How much longer will this old body hold out?  

During the day I try to keep myself busy so I don't have to think but eventually something at some point will trigger a remembrance and all I can think about is how much I loved that man.  How much he loved me.  And down I go.  The hole is much deeper but more narrow.  This is nothing but torture.  

I guess I've never come too far out of the fog because the pain of losing him has barely left me.  What a cruel, brutal incendiary way to have to live being left behind.

morgan 

Comment by morgan on November 12, 2017 at 8:28pm

John, so sorry you're having a bad day.  I will be approaching five years in January.  The memories of my husband and who he was continue to haunt me everyday.  I am now resigned to knowing that I will not go more than 48 hours without crying.  Something I remember about him always triggers the tears.  

I cannot wrap my head around the fact he is dead.  Dead.  I don't know what that is other than he is in a box sitting on my living room table.  How is it possible he is gone?  How is it I will never see him again?  How am I supposed to pretend that this life means anything to me without him.  It doesn't.  

I hate it.  I want to be dead too.  I just cant seem to bring myself to ending it. I wonder what it would take to be able to end it. I certainly cant seem to use the means I have.  

I have spent the whole time trying to understand: why I am so devastated.  Why nothing means anything to me anymore.  Why I have such a hard time talking to people.  Why I don't want to live.  Why cant I end it.  Why is every decision a reminder of him and how hard it is to decide.  And then hating the fact I have to do it all on my own.  Most of all I don't want to be here on my own.  I want him back.  I want to hold him in my arms again and know the comfort of his body against mine.  I want for nothing else.  I wonder how people who are single or never had the kind of love I had, how do they live life and find joy?  Why cant I find any if they seem to?

Essentially I wonder how long my brain and body will hold out under this kind of stress.  When I drop into my meltdowns I just pray that it ends soon because the meltdowns are simply horrible now.  Painful.  Physically painful.  I have to prop myself into a position and cry it out because if I don't I am bound to erupt again in short order.

This has been the worst time of my life. Of course we had fights.  Of course he or I would get pissed at each other.  But I have never felt so abandoned.  So out of my element.  So angry that I have been left behind.  I don't know what it takes to get to a point where you simply refuse to take anymore but after this long I can only hope nature gets me soon.

Comment by Nancy on November 12, 2017 at 8:24pm
I had a bad day today too. Horrific sadness just swept over me. I'm still not over the shock. I talked everything over with him. I try to take 1 day at a time. Finding it's the same day after day. So much of a huge change and I feel like nothing matters really. Just like you said M.and John. Bless you and us all.
Comment by John T. on November 12, 2017 at 8:23pm

Thanks, M Adams.  When half the team is gone, it's devastating.  When half of who you are is gone, there seems to be no way to deal with it.  

Comment by M Adams on November 12, 2017 at 7:28pm
John, so sorry you are going through this -- have been struggling with the same problem about choices, even the smallest decisions are so difficult now. Stuff I would have dealt with quickly and easily without ever even asking my husband, now it's an agonizing process with endless stupid second guessing. In my case I think I've lost all confidence in making a right choice since losing him. Not very reasonable but seems to be the case. Spend a lot of time sort of paralyzed as a result, obsessed by minutiae. And yet nothing is important now, so why fret over anything?
Comment by John T. on November 12, 2017 at 7:00pm

There are times when it's just overwhelming and the pain is intense.  Today, for no reason at all, I keep muttering "how could you just die?"  If there had been a choice, I know she wouldn't have left me on my own.  Now, I live day to day, always thinking how hard it is to make choices without her input and common sense.  I am so lost without her.  Every single day, although I managed on my own so many times, I am lost.  I always knew she was there at the end of the day.  Now it seems the day never ends.  I connect with no one as I  did with her.  I may be functional but I am adrift.  This is a really bad day.

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 5, 2017 at 7:12am

Hi Elynn,

I experience the same thing, what I did was make new friends through grief groups and church, only people that have lost a spouse will understand what we are going through. I don't think friends mean to rude they just don't know what to say. I rescued wonderful dog Babie J and she is the light of my life. 

Comment by Elynn m on November 4, 2017 at 9:53pm

Feeling lonely today. I get really upset because friends haven't been in contact. I keep telling myself that they have their own lives, but I am not accepting that at this time! Is that selfish? I miss Joe so much. He was my best friend here on earth! Should I move away to a different state and make new friends? I am seriously considering it. Any suggestions???? Thank you!

Comment by Fran on November 2, 2017 at 3:32pm

Oct. 17th was our 30th anniversary. Nov. 6th will be 3 years since I lost Bill. In between I'm finding myself rather weepy...guess it doesn't help that I'm watching Hallmark Christmas movies to deal with it. I KNEW I would miss him, just didn't realize how much. There are times where I still turn and expect him to be walking down the hallway. This was his favorite time of year...hunting season!

Comment by stewart p on November 2, 2017 at 11:47am

Linda Engberg your talking about that poem?  Thanks though I can take no credit it for it.  I was bingeing on netflix again watching SOA for like the 4th time in a row, it gets kind of boring but its one of the few things I find takes my mind away from the present which is a nice escape for a while, the scene where he loses his wife i never listended to the song before, not that the episode isnt sad enough but that song really just, i dont know how to say it but just took a lot out of me.  Probably haven't been quite as tearful since 2 or 3 years ago.  Halloween?  All dark at my house, I hate being such a sour grape but what the hell do I care right now?  I dont, but hopefully and God willing one day I still find a little something here and there to smile around this life.

 

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