Lost My Spouse...

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In agony 7 Replies

I lost my wife 6 weeks ago and I'm in agony every day.  We've been together for 51 years, married for 48.  Met at age 16.  We were like one person.  We knew everything about each other.  No secrets,…Continue

Started by joe kelly. Last reply by joe kelly Mar 7.

Lost my wife 4 Replies

It's been almost a week since i lost my wife to lung disease. She's in my mind 24/7. I don't have anybody else to talk too. I was carred by emotional and physical abuse mostly in my childhood in…Continue

Started by Kyle McKay. Last reply by Kyle McKay Feb 15.

Two loves die - Sudden Death worse for griever 3 Replies

7 wksago my live together 10 yrs love collapsed dead in one minute sudden cardiac.I cannot deal with the unfinished business I was working on with him who I love so eyes hurt so much from…Continue

Tags: endings, different, die, loves, Two

Started by CH. Last reply by Marjorie Willcox Feb 6.

Total numbness 22 Replies

It is nearing 2 years since I lost my husband, and I have one week where I think things might be getting better, then the next week I crash into darkness again.I keep thinking something must really…Continue

Started by Maxey. Last reply by Linda Engberg Feb 5.

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Comment by Linda Engberg on October 16, 2017 at 7:27am


I feel the same as you it has been 4 years 3 months my wonderful husband died. I wish God would just take me. All I am is a zombie walking around in this hell.



Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 16, 2017 at 4:46am

"All I want, like most of the rest of you, is to reunite with my husband.  I want to know he is ok.  I want to hold him again.  I want his love.  The sooner the better." Morgan's words, simple yet so profound, fully and completely describes the emotions, feelings, thoughts and prayers of so many of us on this site. After a little over three years after the loss of my darling husband Joseph, not a day goes by when the first thought in the morning is not "How much longer? How much longer before I will be reunited with Joseph?" Then I start my day (which is very late) and trudge through the day aimlessly, do this, do that, nothing, nothing fulfills me. It's just going through the motions; since I am alive, I eat, I pay the bills, I watch TV, I sometimes go out, and when doing all this I am filled with the consciousness of the purposelessness of it all. All this is so futile and meaningless! And yes, life sucks, big time. None of us deserve this hell on earth. We have not done anything to be living in this hell, and indefinitely. Oh, how long, how long before it all ends? All of you here. morgan, Bluebird, Nancy, Paul, Alice, and Lost without Him, please take comfort in the thought that sooner or later, our time WILL COME. The question is WHEN? Hang in there, all of you kindred spirits! Sending you love and hugs, Trina

Comment by morgan on October 15, 2017 at 9:31pm

Bluebird,  I find myself wanting to kick over tables or throw something hard at times and yet my old catholic upbringing kicks in and disallows me to act out but I get the same feelings.  In the beginning I used to kick a cardboard box a lot.  It helped.

What I find so unreal is that we all seem to have the same kinds of reactions and we all try to cope with the feelings but there also seems to be no end in sight to the constant reoccurrence of the pain we endure when our thoughts move to how much we miss our beloved.  

I have been able to suppress my emotions a bit better as time passes and I am able to interact a little bit better on a daily basis when i go buy groceries or have to talk with someone I don't know but in general I stay clear of everything and everyone and hope everyday that my body will give out soon.  It seems to be the only way that this void will disappear.  

I admit coming up on five years in a couple months I can function outside of my bed (which most often is where I prefer to stay) but having to figure out how to make a living at my age as well as with my inability to focus I am forcing myself constantly to perform.   For years I couldn't do anything.  Now I can at least walk around and get things done but only because I have to, not because I want to.

All I want, like most of the rest of you, is to reunite with my husband.  I want to know he is ok.  I want to hold him again.  I want his love.  The sooner the better.

Comment by Nancy on October 15, 2017 at 5:52pm
I'm the same way bluebird
Comment by bluebird on October 15, 2017 at 5:41pm

And along with being incredibly sad all the time, I am also very angry, all the time.  Right now I want to jump out of my fucking skin, I want to punch everything, I want to yell and scream. I can't even contain this level of anger; it's overwhelming.  Between the sadness and the anger, there's nothing left of me.

Comment by bluebird on October 15, 2017 at 5:05pm

Absolutely, Paul.  We do not deserve to live in this hell.

Comment by Paul on October 15, 2017 at 4:57pm
As bad as I feel now, I do not look forward to the holidays as this will be the first holiday season without my beloved wife. We also met on a New Year's Eve and I am really dreading that day. I can't see myself lasting years on end in this state of mind. Life DOES fucking suck and you, I and the others on this board are living in a hell that we didn't want and certainly didn't deserve.
Comment by bluebird on October 15, 2017 at 4:33pm

Same here; I feel just like morgan and everyone else. My husband died five years ago, and my "life" is no better -- in many ways, it is worse, both as a result of his death and due to other factors.  For me, the pain of his death, of him not being here with me, of us not being together as we should be, never lessens.  I am a bit more numb than I used to be, but the agony of not having my beloved with me never goes away, and some days it rears itself up and pierces right through me. It's like this -- I am always in pain, always depressed, always wish I were dead, but some days are even worse than others.

Our 5th wedding anniversary was in September (we never got to celebrate even one), then his birthday later that same month.  Now of course the holidays are coming up -- I no longer believe there is a god, and I don't celebrate anything anymore, but I do still spend Christmas with my family, and the sense of emptiness, of him not being beside me, is cavernous.  Then of course there's New Year's Eve, which was always our anniversary (of when we became a couple), which I always spend alone at home, either crying or knocked out via sleeping pill.

Life just fucking sucks, that's all there is to it, for me. My parents and sister love me dearly, and I love them (my brother-in-law and I also love each other -- I really consider him my brother), but that isn't enough, and it never will be.

Comment by Paul on October 15, 2017 at 3:53pm
This seems to be an especially hard time for a lot of us lately. I feel exactly the same way as the previous 4 posters.
Comment by Alice Thompson on October 15, 2017 at 2:32pm
This is just so hard. Going around everyday with this thing you can’t bear, but you have to bear it. There’s no way around it, and no one can bear it for you, even for a little while.

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bluebird commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Sheila, It is unbearable. So many of us here are in the same kind of situation, so we can empathize. I hope that coming to this site helps you. {{{{hugs}}}}"
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Sheila Ferguson joined Katherine Ellis's group

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Sheila Ferguson commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Sheila Ferguson joined Jon-Paul Ackerman's group
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L.O commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Billy Jo Colt commented on joseph ty's blog post No normal days
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BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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8 hours ago
Marjorie Willcox commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I feel the same way. "
13 hours ago
Emma Marie added a page to the group Funeral Service

Important things to take care of after the passing away of a loved one

The death of a loved one will drain you out emotionally and physically. With the passing away of a loved one, you will have to major responsibilities to take care of. You need to assure that everyone that had a part to play in the life of the loved…
15 hours ago
Emma Marie posted a group

Funeral Service

To serve people at their need– it's all we do. We strive to set the highest standards for the funeral profession in terms of client service and care for the deceased. We help people through one of the most difficult times in their lives with compassion, respect, openness and care.See More
15 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lost without him, Thank you, I only stay on this earth because I have no choice. I just pray for God to take me."
17 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett, I agree."
17 hours ago
joseph ty joined Karen's group

Missing my Son or Daughter

For all of us that are suffering the loss a son or daughter.
21 hours ago
joseph ty posted a blog post

No normal days

    8 days 7 hours and 25 minutes ago I held my daughter as they turned off the machines and she slipped away. It's kind of a blur after that. Organ donations, funeral arraignments, getting her stuff from her apartment, people calling and coming by. So many people saying "if you need anything, just call." But what can they do, really? So much sadness and anger. Through all of it, I keep getting flashes of her face and body as they brought her out of the apartment. I knew when I saw her, blue…See More
21 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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23 hours ago
Lost with out him commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Lost with out him commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
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