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Lost My Spouse...

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Total numbness 6 Replies

It is nearing 2 years since I lost my husband, and I have one week where I think things might be getting better, then the next week I crash into darkness again.I keep thinking something must really…Continue

Started by Maxey. Last reply by Linda Engberg Sep 13.

Another Long Weekend Alone 7 Replies

This weekend will be the fifth Labor Day I have not been able to celebrate with my Husband, thanks to the devil's disease cancer. As far as I am concerned one day is the same as next, just waiting to…Continue

Started by Linda Engberg. Last reply by Linda Engberg Sep 9.

Moved, but nothing changes 5 Replies

I moved from the beautiful Northwest to Austin, TX to be closer to my family, but nothing seems to change. My sadness and loneliness seem to follow me wherever I go. I thought maybe a change in…Continue

Started by Maxey. Last reply by irina s Sep 8.

They don't understand. 3 Replies

How do you deal with well meaning family/friends who just don't understand what you're going through? 2 of my sisters-in-law still have their husbands.  One does not have a good marriage, she talks…Continue

Started by Jennifer. Last reply by Helen Maez Sep 3.

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Comment by Paul on August 20, 2017 at 8:15am
Not much of a friend to be pointing out something so insensitive after only one month. People can be such assholes.
Comment by bluebird on August 19, 2017 at 11:32pm

My husband and I are and ALWAYS will be "we".  

I say "I" when referring to something specifically related to me, like "I'm tired" or "I need to buy Benadryl", but when it comes to anything about our life together, it's "we". 

Keep saying "we" for as long as you want to, forever if you want to. It's no one else's business, and it sure as hell isn't anyone else's place to try to correct you -- I would shut that shit down very quickly, if anyone tried to do that to me.

Comment by Ronnie Luethy on August 19, 2017 at 9:51pm

It has been 3 months for me now, and I still say 'we'. Every once in awhile I realize as I say it, and I've tried to say 'I' a few times. But I've starting to realize that it still is 'we' not just 'I'. We believe we were/are soul mates, and I know part of her is still with me, so 'we' seems appropriate.

Comment by Jennifer on August 19, 2017 at 6:38pm

I have a quick question for you all.  I was talking to a friend the other day and I said "we" she said, "Don't you mean I?"  It made me realize I use we and us a lot still.  I know it has only been a month and I'm not going to stop anytime soon because we were a we in every sense of the word and its habit, and I'm not interested in fixing it.  So just for the sake of wondering, how long did it take you to go from saying we to I?

Comment by Jennifer on August 19, 2017 at 6:31pm

Thank you, Alice.  I have been feeling more and more and more anger towards just about everyone I know.  I am angry they are happy, angry they have future plans they are looking forward to, angry they want to include me in those plans.  Like what do they expect me to do when our kids go off playing, sit there and be the sad, lonely, pathetic third wheel?  I'm angry they are making holiday plans.  Can't we just skip the next 5 months?  Please!  It just makes me want to scream at them.  But I don't; because I know it's not really their fault.  

On another note today was my husband's nephew's going away party.  He and my husband got close before he died.  Nephew is going into the Army, shipping out tomorrow, and was always at our house asking my husband for advice.  The entire time I was at the party all I could think of was my husband should be here.  He was a part of this.  And then they played the song that was played at my husband's services.  Nephew also said a few words about wishing he had been there too but knew he was proud.  It was all I could do to not run out screaming and crying.  So I just sat in my little corner while my heart broke again and cried.  Thank goodness everyone was nice enough to pretend to ignore me.        

Comment by Alice Thompson on August 17, 2017 at 11:38pm
Jennifer, I remember when the anger started burning inside me too. It was horrible and ugly and scary, and immensely powerful. I felt afraid to open my mouth in front of others in case I screamed and yelled and told them what I thought of them and the whole ****ty world they thought was so great. I still feel that anger burning, but I have got used to it now as part of my grief, and it doesn't get expressed verbally. One practical solution to the problem that has worked so well for me (but sounds very strange) is the game Tetris. Do you remember those original Game Boys about 20 years ago? Well a psychologist friend told me that game has been found to help people with post-traumatic stress. So I tried it, and it gave me such comfort. I don't really know why, but perhaps because it is a very simple screen with no distractions (I found it didn't work so well as an app on my phone, but only on the actual old fashioned little device, with the clicking buttons), and you have this simple, achievable task which makes you feel in control, and gives you rewards. I found that while playing it, all my anger welled up in my chest and I thought about the people that I was angry with, but didn't feel negative somehow. Psychologically, perhaps, it allows you
to experience the anger and do something with it, but safely and peacefully.
Comment by John T. on August 17, 2017 at 9:12pm

Hello AnneJ and everyone,  In a couple of weeks it will be 3 years since I lost all that mattered to me.  Six months ago I started unpacking and hung some pictures where I live now.  I did it out of embarrassment rather than a desire to make a home.  Every single day since that September afternoon that she died, I have thought about her during the long hours.  I don't cry every day but when something sparks a memory, I do.  That happens more times in a week than I believe.  The pain isn't as sharp and there is no way it possibly could be.  I doubt I could have gone on living with that.  However, it's only in the last 8 or 9 months that it has faded to a dull, vague hurt that's always there, like background noise.  I drank for a while and since that brought me so little relief, I have stopped.  I wish that after all these many months, these years, that I had some insight or new found wisdom to share.  I don't.  This is still as big a mystery as it was 3 years ago, as inexplicable and shocking as ever.  I worry all the time about our two cats and I can't imagine losing them.  This is all a jumble of thoughts.  There is no way I can make sense of anything that has happened.  People around me have wondered why this has been so hard and talk about how free I am to do anything I want.  What would that be?  I can never tell them that all that's important to me is lost and my heart will be forever broken by losing her.  I can't believe it's been 3 years.  3 years since I spoke to her, held her hand, and talked about the things that interested us both.  To have lost the most simple things that now mean more than I can say is awful.  I miss her more than I could ever put into words.  Somehow, I have survived it but I am unsure exactly why.  One more question without an answer.

Comment by Jennifer on August 17, 2017 at 5:46pm

Apparently, I have found the anger that my counselor and everyone else has been saying I was going to feel.  To this point, all I have felt is sad or numb.  Well, the last 2 days I have not been able to stand to see happy families.  My brother's family makes me mad, my in-laws' families make me mad, stranger's families make me mad.  I even got mad in the store today when I saw a generic photo of a happy family.  I didn't know this is what the anger would be.  Everyone kept telling me I would be angry at God or my husband.  They didn't say anything about this.  And it makes me feel horrible that I am feeling this way.

AnneJ, Thank you, I am happy for the responses but also I am glad that I can come here and say exactly what I am feeling or going through and no one tries to "fix" it or tell me what I should do to feel better.  It is nice to hear people say "I understand here's a hug" and they really do understand.

Comment by Linda Engberg on August 16, 2017 at 7:57am

To all my friends on this web-site.

I want to thanks all of you for being so understanding as we are all in the same boat. The outside world will never understand what we are going through. It's been 4 years and I still am griefing. I see a therapist every week. I keep hoping I can feel better, but she did tell me that their just ins't a pill for this problem.

I feel all we can do is just one day at a time.

Love to you all, Linda 

Comment by Shelley Sawhook on August 16, 2017 at 2:18am

Jennifer,

My kids are adults and my crying distresses them, so I know you don't want to, but it happens and you can't let yourself get upset when it does.  You are a human and have very raw feelings.  If you hide it too much they will think they need to hide it and not show it like you are.  They will feel like they can't express their hurt to you, and they need to be able to do that.  My husband died 8 January and I still forget sometimes that he is gone.  I have called out for him and I talk to him frequently, it happens.  Of course it was a bad day, they all will be until they aren't.  Be kind to yourself.

 

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