Lost My Spouse...

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Moved, but nothing changes 1 Reply

I moved from the beautiful Northwest to Austin, TX to be closer to my family, but nothing seems to change. My sadness and loneliness seem to follow me wherever I go. I thought maybe a change in…Continue

Started by Maxey. Last reply by Alice Thompson 7 hours ago.

They don't understand. 2 Replies

How do you deal with well meaning family/friends who just don't understand what you're going through? 2 of my sisters-in-law still have their husbands.  One does not have a good marriage, she talks…Continue

Started by Jennifer. Last reply by Linda Engberg yesterday.

Lost without my husband 14 Replies

I'm confused with this forum. Don't know if I'm supposed to post it as a comment or add a discussion so I apologize for doing both. I'm looking for grief support. I lost my husband on April 19th…Continue

Started by Jules. Last reply by Jennifer on Wednesday.

Option B 2 Replies

Hi, just want to through this out there for anyone who has not heard of this book.Option B, it is a good book.  I have both the book and CD.  There is also a website.  Continue

Started by KIM Montgomery. Last reply by Linda Engberg on Tuesday.

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Comment by Elynn m on May 23, 2017 at 4:36pm

Kim, I am so sorry for your loss.   Your husband was very young.    You are right in saying that every day is a challenge.  I was used to facing  challenges together  with joe, but I have to face them alone now.   I'm sure the pain will ease up, but it will always be there.   True, ....when others say that "he's looking down and smiling"  at me.  But I'd rather have him here physically,  not as a virtual image.    

Comment by KIM Montgomery on May 23, 2017 at 1:22pm

Thank you.  I miss him so much.  Everyday is a such a challenge.  I have been working from home most of the last 4 months.  Trying to take care of him and stay focused. Now that he has passed, I thought working would help some.  Now I think about him and just want to hear his voice, get a hug, see his smile.  He was the most thoughtful person and truly my true love.  It is so hard to go one sometimes.  Our daughter is graduating with her Master's Saturday and my son-in law with his Bachelor's; this is suppose to be a happy occasion.  He was supposed to be with me.  I am proud of their accomplishments.  I wanted him to share the experience with me.  People tell me oh he will be watching over, etc.  I am sure but that doesn't take my pain away.

Comment by bluebird on May 23, 2017 at 11:09am
We understand, as well as anyone can. It's much the same for many of us. (((((Hugs)))))
Comment by KIM Montgomery on May 23, 2017 at 11:07am

I lost my spouse May 2, 2017.  We found out after 3 tests and the removal of his right Kidney, his ureter and piece of his bladder on 12/28/16 the day before his 61st birthday.  The tests came back from the kidney removal, they sent us for the PET Scan and CT Scan.  On 1/23/2017 we all met with the oncology and we were told he had the most aggressive cancer there was and give 2-4 months to live.  It seemed so unfair and so shocking.  We were married 15 years and loved each other so much.  The pain is so raw, it feels like someone pulled a piece of my heart out and part of me died with him.  There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't miss him.  I have family around and it helps.  It still isn't the same without him.  We did everything together.  Everyone says you need to find the new normal. I am not sure what that looks like yet.

Comment by Louise on May 22, 2017 at 6:55am
Everyday for the past 8 months I wake up hating this new so-called life, I feel myself becoming bitter, I'm trying not to but it's so hard. I just want to see him again, to know for sure he still exists. Everyone around me carries on as normal, like nothing happened and I hate them for it because I feel like my life has fallen apart. Then I think I am a horrible person for feeling like that but I find myself caring less and less and withdrawing from others. I've been working around my house doing improvements for the past few weeks, until I'm absolutely exhausted at night, trying to keep myself busy but also because I know it would be something that would make my husband happy and it helps a bit. But every morning I wake and I cry myself silly for a few hours and then feel exhausted from that. I'm so tired of this, I just want to be with my husband.
Comment by Linda Engberg on May 22, 2017 at 6:36am

Morgan & John,

Couldn't agree with you more, leaving tomorrow to visit family. I have to put my mask on and pretend everything is ok, my one sister does not agree with me having a few beers everyday to keep from going crazy, Inside I am drying a slow death, which can't come soon enough. I been through all the methods you have to cope and they do nothing for me. Until I can see my Husband again, life is over for me now.

Comment by morgan on May 22, 2017 at 12:53am

For the first several years I could not fathom how I could be so devastated and unable to function. I mean several which is more than two.  Going into year four now I see that there is nothing society at large understands about grief.  People just ignore it if they can and if it is in their face they find a way to change the subject or they lecture about how it could be so different if only.....Yeah, if only my husband wouldn't have died I would still think like they do.  I know I wasn't cruel to others who suffered great loss but there is no way I could have empathized like I can now.  It is unspoken how those who have endured such a great loss don't even have to exchange words.   We know what the feelings are like.  The feelings are burying us, slowly but surely.  

We cope using different methods.  I cry.  At just about everything so I avoid everything that puts me in a position to have to interact with people as I just cannot seem to pull on my mask tight enough to be around others.  Further isolating myself.  Which is ok as I don't really want to be a part of this "new" life.  

Pills, counseling, therapy, crying, drinking, whatever,  are all methods to cope.  Just to get through the minutes of time.  Time is our newest enemy.  I want less time.  I don't need any more time.  I wish I could stop time and reverse it.  But it keeps clubbing me over the head.  And so I cope.  I cry.  I pretend.  I am pulling away from life.  And I am hoping it all comes to a halt naturally and as soon as possible because I have come to hate time and people and this life.

Four years and four months as of yesterday my life ended.  I wait with anxiety for an end to this constant missing of the one man who made this life worth living.  Where is he?  I want him to come and get me.  I don't want to keep living without him.  Where did he go and why isn't there something, anything that lets me know that there will be another chance at being with him.  Is that really so much to ask?

Comment by Nora on May 21, 2017 at 9:45pm

You are so right, John.  You cannot be a grieving person in United States! This is a very optimistic country here! People don't want to know and see.  I always think - well, you will be on my place sooner or later.

There is no system to support grieving people. Grief support groups are open every 3 weeks for 2 hrs, and they have some speaker every time.. Really? Speaker? I don't understand this scheduled help. Help should he around 24/7. We are in emotional and physical pain. We need help! But what we get instead? NOTHING! No even some 800 number to call when your heart is ready to blow out!

Not talking about friends and families. Friends are in a better situation - they just say historical iconical - "anything I can do for you just let me know" - and disappear into thin air. Families should "suffer" through having us at plain view and pretend that nothing ever happened. They are comfortable we are wearing masks. Forever sometimes...

My close friend of 14 yrs called me yesterday, asking how are you? I said I am very bad, I feel bad, I am lost, I don't know what to do. And she asked me - "WHY? So long?" I told her just 2 months ago, today, he died... She said - "and you still are in so bad mood!?". Speechless...

John, please try to reduce drinking. Just a little bit less - it will not heal your wound but will hurt your brain - you know as a doctor.

Comment by John T. on May 21, 2017 at 9:17pm

Since last Christmas, I've been drinking far more than I should to get through the day.  No one in the family cares because I'm pleasant, social, funny, and talkative.  As long as I don't remind them of death, no problem.  Just don't mention reality and I'm the lovable, eccentric uncle who keeps to himself and is pretty entertaining at family gatherings.  Just don't show the dark side, don't talk about your feelings, and pretend everything's swell.  This is the formula for myself and the people around me?  They're more comfortable with me being a drunk than grieving.   I'm trying desperately not to accept this as my fate.  

Comment by Jerry on May 19, 2017 at 10:20am

I guess I don't mind doing the things, cleaning, fixing, etc...but certainly not the way I used to, or should, I make "it" (life) work while I have it. But the forward thinking I (and she) always did is just phuckered all up now. I for the best it'll be, processed the loss, hate the loss, don't understand the reason, and know there will never be an acceptable one, but my huge frustration/fear/sorrow is knowing I will continue on in such and altered future without thee best person ever in my life, ever. I don't like it, don't want to, but have to, I lost my respect for religious beliefs years ago, I believe in mother nature, as much as "she" is beautiful and plentiful, she too can be a real bitch, wind, water, fire, life, death. It really sucks when you find you hardly talk to anyone anymore, and when you do, it's immersive, or completely off kilder...just nuts this life of mine has become. I look and feel healthy, but just live in awful in sorrow. I look forward to taking afternoon naps after work and going to bed at night, just as my wife did. I don't know when my day will come, but I do hope I am as lucky as my Kath, and just go to sleep forever. Kinda tics me off when I wake up and find I have another day to muddle through the beauty of the world I no longer enjoy the way I used to. 


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Ronnie Luethy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"It has been 3 months for me now, and I still say 'we'. Every once in awhile I realize as I say it, and I've tried to say 'I' a few times. But I've starting to realize that it still is 'we' not just…"
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Beth Swansboro and Mary Ann Troxell are now friends
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Jennifer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I have a quick question for you all.  I was talking to a friend the other day and I said "we" she said, "Don't you mean I?"  It made me realize I use we and us a lot still.  I know it has only been a…"
4 hours ago
Jennifer commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thank you, Alice.  I have been feeling more and more and more anger towards just about everyone I know.  I am angry they are happy, angry they have future plans they are looking forward to, angry they want to include me in those plans.…"
4 hours ago
Alice Thompson replied to Maxey's discussion Moved, but nothing changes in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Maxey, I actually do believe my love is still with me, and I have this life with him nobody could understand. I've started bringing this up in conversation with people a couple of times, but soon stopped when I heard the sound of what I was…"
7 hours ago
Maxey left a comment for Jon-Paul Ackerman
"I think John has said everything I am feeling each day. I sometimes think during the day of how many of us are out there suffering through this pain. It has been almost two years for me, so, I guess, after three there is still no relief or hope in…"
8 hours ago
Demetrius and Brenda Ann are now friends
8 hours ago
Maxey added a discussion to the group Lost My Spouse...

Moved, but nothing changes

I moved from the beautiful Northwest to Austin, TX to be closer to my family, but nothing seems to change. My sadness and loneliness seem to follow me wherever I go. I thought maybe a change in scenery would give me a new perspective, but, so far, nothing.It will be two years in October that I lost my husband of 55 years, and I miss him MORE today than ever. I think I am becoming obsessive since I talk to him all the time and fantasize that he is still here. I make believe we are going to take…See More
8 hours ago
Janie m Snitko commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Good morning everyone and good morning Mama!  I have alot to get accomplished today so that I can bring things home from Mamas home. As always I love you Mama!"
13 hours ago
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Suzette Laree Arch added a discussion to the group Being the Other Woman/Other Man

4 months and I can't stop crying

I knew my Best Friend since high school...we were good friends..And stayed in touch over the years - We may have gone 3-4 years before we spoke - But we knew each others situations and we stayed Best Friends - Giving each other advice - I just wanted to make sure he was home to his wife and child - As he served 8 tours in Afghanistan, Iraq and undisclosed locations - We both are parents..We reconnected face to face 2 years ago, both in bad marriages and unhappy...I was about half way through my…See More
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Suzette Laree Arch joined Cathy Richardson's group

Being the Other Woman/Other Man

This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situationSee More
16 hours ago
Tori commented on Laura Rozier's group Losing Someone to Drug Overdose
"I lost my best friend 6/17/16 to a heroin overdose. I've noticed for me that the happiest times are the hardest. The milestones where you find yourself able to smile and laugh again are usually the most painful. The happier the occasion or the…"
16 hours ago
Tori joined Laura Rozier's group

Losing Someone to Drug Overdose

If you've lost someone you loved due to them overdosing on drugs, let's talk about it here.See More
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Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Janie that sounds good, "I love  you mom"!!!!  "
17 hours ago
Janie m Snitko commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hope everybody has a loving good weekend and let's celebrate our Mom's for giving us life. I love you Mama!!"
Linda Engberg replied to Jennifer's discussion They don't understand. in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, It has been 4 years since I lost my Husband and soulmate to cancer. My family and friends tell me that time will things better. To tell you the truth the only way I keep my sanity, is adopting a dog and seeing my therapist and…"
KIM Montgomery replied to Jennifer's discussion They don't understand. in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Jennifer, my husband passed May 2, 2017.  We had a wonderful marriage and we loved each other with all of our hearts.  Jack was an awesome person.  I am currently going through this with my own family.  I am away from my family…"
KIM Montgomery commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hello, well I made it through my 1st anniversary without him.  It was a really hard day, Wednesday.  I miss him like crazy and love him so much. Today I just feel numb.  All these stages of grief are exhausting.  Working full…"

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