How do you deal with well meaning family/friends who just don't understand what you're going through? 

2 of my sisters-in-law still have their husbands.  One does not have a good marriage, she talks about her husband dying flippantly she says things like "I know if _____ died I would use the insurance money to go on that vacation he never wants to go on."  Then in the next breath "Are you still going on your cruise next year?  I could take (my husband's) place if you want so you're not alone."  The other one keeps telling me that my husband visits her in her dreams and they talk all day.  Hasn't he visited me yet?

The last sister-in-law lost her husband 20 years ago.  She is constantly telling me how she knows how I feel but the things she says are sometimes very insensitive and I can't imagine anyone who has felt like I am saying those things.  It's more like what some of my friends who have never been married or still have their husbands say.  I spoke with my mother-in-law about it and it turns out that for about half their marriage they slept in separate rooms.   That she didn't cry at his funeral or afterward.  She said they had a very bad marriage but neither one wanted a divorce.  So now I keep thinking she doesn't have a clue what I'm feeling or going through.

My husband's aunt keeps trying to tell me she knows how I feel too.  But she can relate more to my kids than me as she didn't lose a husband she lost her dad when she was a child.  I don't know how it feels as I still have my dad but I imagine losing a dad is completely different than losing a spouse.

None of my siblings are married and they have no idea as they haven't lost anyone yet.  We have had 2 great uncles die in our family and no one was really close to them.  

I don't know what to say to them when they try giving me advice or "connecting" with me.  I usually end up frustrated and angry at the end of the visit or phone call.  I have started not answering the phone, which is creating other problems; like them just show up at my house.  Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

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Replies to This Discussion

Jennifer,

It has been 4 years since I lost my Husband and soulmate to cancer. My family and friends tell me that time will things better. To tell you the truth the only way I keep my sanity, is adopting a dog and seeing my therapist and psychiatrist every two weeks. They know the correct meds to help you deal with your loss. It has helped me to go on doing thinks in my daily live. I know the real pain will only with my death, so that's what I live for. DEATH.

Hi Jennifer,

I really understand where you are coming from. I am sorry to hear about your family not really being there for you. I 'm kinda in the same situation your in. there just one difference. I have  had very close family members lose there spouses and unfortunately  I witness  the devastation of  them  losing their spouse of many years and what a toll it took on them. you see I have no close family members anymore they all passed away. and now my domestic partner passed this July. So Jennifer I am alone just like you and  I will be  more than willing to be your friend ok take care

helen maez 

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