Annette was my life. We were married 12 years. No children. Only the two of us. We both suffered from morbid obesity. This led to fluid build up called Edema. We both took care of each other as best we could. We were poor but a happy couple in our 50s. Annette also suffered from cronic panic attacks. SO awful that last year she spent nearly two weeks as they tried to get the proper meds for her.

They worked for time. Then I lost my job and health insurance. We had no money for medication as we tried to pay rent and prevent us from being evicted.

She stated having terrible night sleeps. Sleep apena (as I have) denied her a good night sleeps. SHe started screaming in her sleeps, and her edema started getting worse. SHe kept tellingme she didn't feel well for months. I begged her to go to the hospital but she refused. I think we were maybe both in denial of our health. We suffered. I had to find work despite the agony of walking. In fact its what kept me alive. The bread winner has to move. Movement is life.

She started to bloat and I screamed at her to go to the hospital. But she wouldn't. Then that night, she kept sleeping on her stomach. I sat across the room from her. I noticed she wasn't moving. I charged over to her an screamed Honey!!! I turned her over and her lips were blue. I screamed no!! please God no!!

I diled 911 they came but couldn't resucitate her. I loved her more thanmy own soul. I amalone. I come home to silence. My beloved of 12 years is gone. I am beyond grief. I beg God to plase take me. I collected her ashes yesterday and brought them home. I wear her ring which I will take with me upon my death. 

It's a nightmare. An utter, blinding nightmare. I should have forced her. I keep thinking what if I had called 911 and forced her to go? I took care of her soiled clothing, washed her, and loved to cook for her. Now it's gone. ALl gone. I want the grief and madness to stop. It won't stop. ANd the only thing that will bring me peace is to be with my wonderful wife. Nothing comforts me. I just want to fall alseep and beg God to take me. 

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I was told by someone that there was no such thing as an afterlife and to get over my grieving that my wife is gone.

i'm devastated someone would say something like that especially to me when I'm at my lowest point .

Has anyone gone through an NDE experience or know someone who has? I'd like to hear about it first hand.

I don't like to hear from others here in this form with they think.
Something else. I'm sitting outside as I write this. I stare at the space Annette used to sit at (right beside me) and I can't stop thinking how unnatural it feels. As if it wasn't her time and that I'm looking at a space that should be occupied. That there's something not right in all of this.

I mean sure, no kids, no cash, no friends I just occupy empty space But the emptiness has grown and swallowing everything around me. I don't mean to come off as if I'm some philosopher but it's not right. Every piece of it feels wrong as any wrong could feel to someone.

The sun is slowly going down and I just can't shake the feeling that I'm more inside a dream state. As if I will wake up and it's all over and Annette and I are once again together.

Maybe I'm just reaching but I can't help the constant feelings I have that this wasn't meant to be. That in someway life made a mistake. I know shit happens but this shit still doesn't feel right.
I feel the same way, Richard, and have since my husband died.
Blue bird:
Thank God someone like you responded and understands. It's simply a gut feeling. I'm assuming this is a normal sensation. But maybe it's a spiritual instinct. We know deep at our core the life we all now lead seems unnatural.

I'm right now trying to keep myself occupied but with next to nothing in resources it's brutal.

If there is one consolation in all my misery and grief it's that My health (as it's been for many years now) has declined to the point where getting dressed takes its toll on me. And hopefully, Annette will be there when it's my time.

Wait, scratch that. Annette WILL be there when God finally decides to bring her and me together. And the pain and anguish will disappear and replaced by love and joy.

We all want that and I don't see any reason for not praying for it.

Tonight I'm once more going to a half empty bed greeted by silence. And I'll keep dreaming about the only one who brought me joy and loved me so much.
i finally have some good news. The unemployment office called me and said that my benefits have been approved and that I will receive three weeks of unemployment payment within 48 hours. This means I can pay one out of the three mon the rent I owe.

In addition the mayors office called me and said that the landlord is willing to wait for their rent via the rental assistance program that I have applied for and that I will not be locked out of the apartment.

Even without the rental assistance I will still be able to pay every month I owe.

I know it's because of Annette. She's here, now in the bedroom watching over me. What would make this a perfect day is to hear her speak my name and tell me she loves and that we'll be together soon. Then I can move forward with her at my side. I'm going to pray tonight for her and I.

Answer to prayer!!!   Great to hear that there is something positive going on now in your life.   

That's good news indeed, Richard. :-)
I don't have food so I'm going to still have to live off those Jell-O cups until the money comes in but that's OK . As I said I'm not really picky about what I eat as long there's something around to keep me going.

And of course my sister texted me and blameed me for the life that I have led. She Uses anger so that she will not have to show sympathy and that's OK too. She is the type who if you were stabbed in the street she would blame you for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I told her to please, don't speak to me anymore, to please leave me in peace, that's all I asked. so now I'm going to hopefully have more good news in the next few days to come. I'll keep posting as things unwravel.
Just don't answer the phone when your sister calls, at least for a while. As for food, there MUST be a food pantry somewhere in your area, Wich can at least give you some rice and beans or something.
There are food pantries in my area, yes. The problem is I'm in no shape to carry or walk to them even when taking a bus. I'm that heavy and that weak as a consequence of being morbidly obese. I've tried explaining it to the various church pantries but I keep getting the same answer "we don't drop off groceries, it's not our mandate." You want food? Come and get it. Can't? Tough luck, sorry.

I suppose it's asking too much, I don't know. And anyway the pantries are not open on the weekends so it's already too late even if I were able to get there and back. I'm used to not eating for days on end, so I'm used to this. I'll just have to wait. that's OK. You'd be amazed how easy the mind compensates for lack of food. Your stomach shrinks and shrinks making it so that your appetite diminishes. So when you eat you're full very quickly because the stomach has shrunk so much. Not the healthiest way to live but then again, it's all I have for now.
I'm sitting outside and it's a gorgeous day. 65 degrees and breezy.

My unemployment money arrived in my bank account. I've paid every bill and now owe only 2 months rent instead of 3.

Something else. I finally stood in front of a mirror without my clothes to see just how bad my morbid obesity has gotten. What I saw was a deformed, misshapen figure. Grotesque.

My heart doesn't seem right. It feels strangely as if someone has their hands wrapped around it. I can't stand once again. I have to hold onto something and even that takes the wind out of me.

I prayed that the intense pain would go away but it keeps increasing. No hospitals for me. Already been there and the news of my health was always grim just like Annette's.

I can't get over how beautiful it is today..

Last night I woke up around 2am.
My chest felt like someone was standing on it. Feels just like now.

And still the unnatural of Annette's death won't go away.

Me legs have gotten darker which I was told is heart related with kidneys as part of the problem. I'm gonna rest now imas I did it get much sleep.
It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon and I am in my bedroom alone. The silence is incredible. I stopped by the landlord's office today and gave him his rent check plus the check for the late payment and strangely I couldn't stay standing. my legs were buckling and my gut was dangling over my sweatpants. I am a real mess. I can't believe how I look now.

Annette and I and I were actually members of a gym and we were losing a lot of weight and actually kickboxing believe it or not. We. We even paid for a private trainer. But when I lost my job you couldn't afford go to the gym or paying the rent. That's when everything else really started to go down fast.

I'm laying down in bed after a long day of trying to get bills paid.
Thank God I could do it online. It was the trip to the landlords that took it's toll on me.

The apartment is so empty so quiet my mind is slipping away little by little I can't tell the difference anymore when I'm awake or asleep it's so weird .

I have to try and sleep without screaming in the night. I keep praying that the screams finally go away now that i've taking care of paying most of the bills .

But I know that my heart is with you to give out I can actually feel it each day harder to breathe on the walk out the door can't stand up two lanes without wheezing on the leg so I just turn the worst I've seen scale dark no circulation.

My brother tells me to go to the doctor and stop complaining but the reality is I have nothing to look forward to anyway, so why even bother as long as I have a roof over my head, and a little bit of food. I'll stick it out despite my health problems. I just want to be able to sleep normally.

I still pray every night to my love and ask her to give me a sign that she's listening that she hears me and that she'll be there for me and that she'll always will love me. I will settle for that.

Damn pain keeps knawing at me throughout my body specially in the stomach chest. When I had a doctor he told me that I was essentially carrying an extra person. how right he was.


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