Annette was my life. We were married 12 years. No children. Only the two of us. We both suffered from morbid obesity. This led to fluid build up called Edema. We both took care of each other as best we could. We were poor but a happy couple in our 50s. Annette also suffered from cronic panic attacks. SO awful that last year she spent nearly two weeks as they tried to get the proper meds for her.

They worked for time. Then I lost my job and health insurance. We had no money for medication as we tried to pay rent and prevent us from being evicted.

She stated having terrible night sleeps. Sleep apena (as I have) denied her a good night sleeps. SHe started screaming in her sleeps, and her edema started getting worse. SHe kept tellingme she didn't feel well for months. I begged her to go to the hospital but she refused. I think we were maybe both in denial of our health. We suffered. I had to find work despite the agony of walking. In fact its what kept me alive. The bread winner has to move. Movement is life.

She started to bloat and I screamed at her to go to the hospital. But she wouldn't. Then that night, she kept sleeping on her stomach. I sat across the room from her. I noticed she wasn't moving. I charged over to her an screamed Honey!!! I turned her over and her lips were blue. I screamed no!! please God no!!

I diled 911 they came but couldn't resucitate her. I loved her more thanmy own soul. I amalone. I come home to silence. My beloved of 12 years is gone. I am beyond grief. I beg God to plase take me. I collected her ashes yesterday and brought them home. I wear her ring which I will take with me upon my death. 

It's a nightmare. An utter, blinding nightmare. I should have forced her. I keep thinking what if I had called 911 and forced her to go? I took care of her soiled clothing, washed her, and loved to cook for her. Now it's gone. ALl gone. I want the grief and madness to stop. It won't stop. ANd the only thing that will bring me peace is to be with my wonderful wife. Nothing comforts me. I just want to fall alseep and beg God to take me. 

Views: 3390

Replies to This Discussion

I do have a PayPal account which I completely forgot about ( my memory loss has gotten worse) The email associated with it is Velera@hotmail.com

Rich
I was told by someone that there was no such thing as an afterlife and to get over my grieving that my wife is gone.

i'm devastated someone would say something like that especially to me when I'm at my lowest point .

Has anyone gone through an NDE experience or know someone who has? I'd like to hear about it first hand.

I don't like to hear from others here in this form with they think.
Something else. I'm sitting outside as I write this. I stare at the space Annette used to sit at (right beside me) and I can't stop thinking how unnatural it feels. As if it wasn't her time and that I'm looking at a space that should be occupied. That there's something not right in all of this.

I mean sure, no kids, no cash, no friends I just occupy empty space But the emptiness has grown and swallowing everything around me. I don't mean to come off as if I'm some philosopher but it's not right. Every piece of it feels wrong as any wrong could feel to someone.

The sun is slowly going down and I just can't shake the feeling that I'm more inside a dream state. As if I will wake up and it's all over and Annette and I are once again together.

Maybe I'm just reaching but I can't help the constant feelings I have that this wasn't meant to be. That in someway life made a mistake. I know shit happens but this shit still doesn't feel right.
I feel the same way, Richard, and have since my husband died.
Blue bird:
Thank God someone like you responded and understands. It's simply a gut feeling. I'm assuming this is a normal sensation. But maybe it's a spiritual instinct. We know deep at our core the life we all now lead seems unnatural.

I'm right now trying to keep myself occupied but with next to nothing in resources it's brutal.

If there is one consolation in all my misery and grief it's that My health (as it's been for many years now) has declined to the point where getting dressed takes its toll on me. And hopefully, Annette will be there when it's my time.

Wait, scratch that. Annette WILL be there when God finally decides to bring her and me together. And the pain and anguish will disappear and replaced by love and joy.

We all want that and I don't see any reason for not praying for it.

Tonight I'm once more going to a half empty bed greeted by silence. And I'll keep dreaming about the only one who brought me joy and loved me so much.
i finally have some good news. The unemployment office called me and said that my benefits have been approved and that I will receive three weeks of unemployment payment within 48 hours. This means I can pay one out of the three mon the rent I owe.

In addition the mayors office called me and said that the landlord is willing to wait for their rent via the rental assistance program that I have applied for and that I will not be locked out of the apartment.

Even without the rental assistance I will still be able to pay every month I owe.

I know it's because of Annette. She's here, now in the bedroom watching over me. What would make this a perfect day is to hear her speak my name and tell me she loves and that we'll be together soon. Then I can move forward with her at my side. I'm going to pray tonight for her and I.

Answer to prayer!!!   Great to hear that there is something positive going on now in your life.   

That's good news indeed, Richard. :-)
I don't have food so I'm going to still have to live off those Jell-O cups until the money comes in but that's OK . As I said I'm not really picky about what I eat as long there's something around to keep me going.

And of course my sister texted me and blameed me for the life that I have led. She Uses anger so that she will not have to show sympathy and that's OK too. She is the type who if you were stabbed in the street she would blame you for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I told her to please, don't speak to me anymore, to please leave me in peace, that's all I asked. so now I'm going to hopefully have more good news in the next few days to come. I'll keep posting as things unwravel.
Just don't answer the phone when your sister calls, at least for a while. As for food, there MUST be a food pantry somewhere in your area, Wich can at least give you some rice and beans or something.
There are food pantries in my area, yes. The problem is I'm in no shape to carry or walk to them even when taking a bus. I'm that heavy and that weak as a consequence of being morbidly obese. I've tried explaining it to the various church pantries but I keep getting the same answer "we don't drop off groceries, it's not our mandate." You want food? Come and get it. Can't? Tough luck, sorry.

I suppose it's asking too much, I don't know. And anyway the pantries are not open on the weekends so it's already too late even if I were able to get there and back. I'm used to not eating for days on end, so I'm used to this. I'll just have to wait. that's OK. You'd be amazed how easy the mind compensates for lack of food. Your stomach shrinks and shrinks making it so that your appetite diminishes. So when you eat you're full very quickly because the stomach has shrunk so much. Not the healthiest way to live but then again, it's all I have for now.
I'm sitting outside and it's a gorgeous day. 65 degrees and breezy.

My unemployment money arrived in my bank account. I've paid every bill and now owe only 2 months rent instead of 3.

Something else. I finally stood in front of a mirror without my clothes to see just how bad my morbid obesity has gotten. What I saw was a deformed, misshapen figure. Grotesque.

My heart doesn't seem right. It feels strangely as if someone has their hands wrapped around it. I can't stand once again. I have to hold onto something and even that takes the wind out of me.

I prayed that the intense pain would go away but it keeps increasing. No hospitals for me. Already been there and the news of my health was always grim just like Annette's.

I can't get over how beautiful it is today..

Last night I woke up around 2am.
My chest felt like someone was standing on it. Feels just like now.

And still the unnatural of Annette's death won't go away.

Me legs have gotten darker which I was told is heart related with kidneys as part of the problem. I'm gonna rest now imas I did it get much sleep.

RSS

Latest Activity

BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa I am hanging in there. The last couple of days have been tearful. I am so grateful I have this group to talk with and my sister to cry with. One of the hardest things for me to deal with is feeling so alone. It was 2 months April 14th since…"
1 hour ago
Kevin Bailey replied to Kevin Bailey's discussion I really hate this new life in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Robin I feel the same way, I just feel a little comfort being surrounded by her pictures but I can't really look at them for too long because I just wanna go back to that time. My grief is apart of me, it's a wound that will never heal or…"
3 hours ago
cin po joined Jon-Paul Ackerman's group
4 hours ago
cin po commented on Nora's blog post A New Look at the 7 Emotional States of Loss By Dr. Natasha Josefowitz
"I recently lost my partner. I thought I was okay. Then I realized I am not. I feel lonely. I feel sad especially when my partner's brother felt entitled to our savings which was in my partner's bank account. My partner did not leave a Will…"
4 hours ago
rhonda jean commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I'm in the same boat as you Theresa. My moms 2 yr anniversary was the 15th. Easter was hard! I agree the first year is a fog, and the second one is harder in a different way - it seems so much more real and permanent. Finding ways to carry on…"
5 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Bluebell, thank you so much, I had to do the same thing 17 years ago when my dad died. I hope you are hanging in there, it takes time.  Like I said before the first year after my mom passed, I was in a haze, I just couldn't see through the…"
6 hours ago
Jackie cooke replied to morgan's discussion Loss and Attachment
"Himmorgan, I have just found and read this am I in bits, it's 6 weeks since my world came to an end and I still finding it hard to just keep breathing everyday let alone function as a person. I to have no children, I don't really have…"
8 hours ago
Tanya and sweetbug are now friends
14 hours ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa I think it was an excellent idea to get a medication that will make you more comfortable. Anxiety is tough to deal with. I am glad it is already helping you. Take care, Bluebell"
14 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Nancy, yes I do go to a bereavement class at our church once a month. Yes I do agree being around others does help  "
16 hours ago
Nancy Dynes commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thanks for checking in on us, Theresa. Easter and the two year mark of my mom's passing were within two days of each other, so it was tough, especially Easter Day, which I was mostly alone for. The rest of the time I was with my husband and…"
17 hours ago
morgan commented on Jane's blog post just want to die
"Count me in...I cannot find any reason to live.  I have gotten much better at functioning.  But reason?  Nope.  I am simply going through the motions.  There are still nuclear moments mostly lasting anywhere from five…"
21 hours ago
silvia maria commented on silvia maria's blog post Creating a MENTAL SPACE perfect to HEAL
21 hours ago
silvia maria commented on silvia maria's blog post Creating a MENTAL SPACE perfect to HEAL
21 hours ago
silvia maria posted blog posts
21 hours ago
Mike posted a blog post

From the Heart

What does success in coping with death mean to you? Does it mean you can now walk your dog through the neighborhood and actually look up and smile as people go by?  Does it mean you went and bought flowers for the oak barrel that has been neglected for the past year? Does it mean you made chocolate chip cookies for the first time in God knows how long?  Or did you just go for a ride without crying or talk to your kids about something stupid and inconsequential?      There are no secret answers…See More
yesterday
Jane commented on Jane's blog post just want to die
"me too Maxey, I have one brother who would miss me, and that would be it.  If it weren't for him, I'd probably kill myself... but my mother was strong until she passed 2 years ago :( She never killed herself despite all the loss she…"
yesterday
Kathleen Jordan replied to Kathleen Jordan's discussion No one seems to remember in the group Lost My Spouse...
"And now I am trying to get my folks to move in with me. They are staying here because  their house got contaminated with mold. I thank my hunny because the house is already set up for them because of him,and it has been helpful to me to call…"
yesterday
Crystal commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I've been heartbroken before, I've been through a painful divorce, my daughter moving out to be with her dad, my parents divorced, 3 surgeries and nothing hurts like the loss of spouse . Nothing. All that other stuff roled up together…"
yesterday
Kathleen Jordan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Crystal...the puppies and the kids keep you going...my daughter got married this weekend. I don't think she realized that the actual date of her marriage was 6 months after my hunny died.And, luckily, or  torment,not sure...my folks have…"
yesterday

© 2017   Created by Diana, Grief Counselor.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service