Annette was my life. We were married 12 years. No children. Only the two of us. We both suffered from morbid obesity. This led to fluid build up called Edema. We both took care of each other as best we could. We were poor but a happy couple in our 50s. Annette also suffered from cronic panic attacks. SO awful that last year she spent nearly two weeks as they tried to get the proper meds for her.

They worked for time. Then I lost my job and health insurance. We had no money for medication as we tried to pay rent and prevent us from being evicted.

She stated having terrible night sleeps. Sleep apena (as I have) denied her a good night sleeps. SHe started screaming in her sleeps, and her edema started getting worse. SHe kept tellingme she didn't feel well for months. I begged her to go to the hospital but she refused. I think we were maybe both in denial of our health. We suffered. I had to find work despite the agony of walking. In fact its what kept me alive. The bread winner has to move. Movement is life.

She started to bloat and I screamed at her to go to the hospital. But she wouldn't. Then that night, she kept sleeping on her stomach. I sat across the room from her. I noticed she wasn't moving. I charged over to her an screamed Honey!!! I turned her over and her lips were blue. I screamed no!! please God no!!

I diled 911 they came but couldn't resucitate her. I loved her more thanmy own soul. I amalone. I come home to silence. My beloved of 12 years is gone. I am beyond grief. I beg God to plase take me. I collected her ashes yesterday and brought them home. I wear her ring which I will take with me upon my death. 

It's a nightmare. An utter, blinding nightmare. I should have forced her. I keep thinking what if I had called 911 and forced her to go? I took care of her soiled clothing, washed her, and loved to cook for her. Now it's gone. ALl gone. I want the grief and madness to stop. It won't stop. ANd the only thing that will bring me peace is to be with my wonderful wife. Nothing comforts me. I just want to fall alseep and beg God to take me. 

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Something strange. I just realized I have really nothing going on in my life. I look for work, can't find work. my health is out and all I do is sit outside and wait for the sun to go down and then I repeat it every day.

My god, is this a punishment? Could I have committed in a previous life some heinous crime?

I keep thinking why didn't Annette cry out to me for help? why didn't she scream, choke out loud gasping for air and say help???

I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't feel guilty but how can I not? I'll always be thinking this day and night, night and day. It may drive me to madness but I can't shake it.

I should've taken better care of her. I should've been in the bed with her. I should've taken better care of her. I would've seen the problem quickly and she would not have died.

I'm so ashamed of myself. I failed as a husband. I'm nothing.
Just a broken down man with health problems. I pray Annette can forgive me. I beg her every night for forgiveness. I ask her and so far no answer.

I doubt I will be able to keep this apartment. unemployment benefits doesn't look too good despite repeated attempts to find out about my benefits.

Also with the cell phone being cut off by the end of the week I will not have anyway to be contacted through the Internet .

It's as if some force that I can't explain or understand is taking everything away little by little until there's nothing left.

I have no ties here my brothers and sister have their own family problems. I don't own property. bank accounts empty. The local churches won't help -- that's a weird one.

But like I said it's very strange to have absolutely nothing. including silence -- like the world has decided to cut me off.

I wish I had the answers to the Why this trajedy happened to us both.

if Annette can see me then she sees my suffering. she knows I love her. she also sees a grief, profound loneliness and darkness that I am going through.

Maybe she'll finally answer and tell me "Rich, I love you." There's no need to feel guilt. I promise we'll be together forever."

Then I can at least live for the day when we're reunited again.

I pray for that forgiveness every night.
I got up late today and I'm going to go outside and once more wait for the sun to go down.

I decided to call the Mayors office to see if I can get help paying my cell phone. Unfortunately they don't have the funds for that so i tried (again) church charities and every single one said they couldn't help for various reasons.

I'm still trying to raise funds for my wife's Memorial service and I've hit a roadblock.

I still have my go fund me page but so far you are no more donations which is probably not surprising .

What's funny is I did a search of donations at Go Fund Me. I was asking for $500 to help with my memorial fund and yet I see thousands of dollars donated to various causes like "please help pay for my sons college" or "please help with buying a new matress" these people receive thousand dollars.

So I must be a complete moron.
I didn't want to go and create a go fund me page but I had to try.

I realize now that even the best intentions when asking for charity is there are those people who really don't need it, And could live without it get very lucky, while some people with tragedies simply don't.

I told my brother that my cell phone will probably be cut off this coming Saturday and then if I don't answer it's not because I don't want to but because I can't.

He was upset why I didn't pay the bill and I explained to him I had to pay for Annette's cremation and that, that was a priority.

Throw in the grief and of course my mind wasnt 100%.

My grief has intensified. The routine of "Doing nothing" continues to torture me 24/7.

With my limited mobility all I can do is just wait until hopefully my unemployment kicks in. or the eviction will. I don't know anymore.

anyway, like I said, I'm going to go outside so I'll just wait for the sun to go down. who knows, maybe something interesting might happen today.

How much is your cell phone bill Rich?

Dear Rachel (and everyone here)
So grateful I found this place I probably would've done something stupid if I hadn't found you all.

The T-mobile bill Is $372. Annette and I would've paid for it all but with her death, cremation costs and losing the job it's just been a totally, brutal painful experience.

Annette and I used to sit outside together Now when I sit alone outside I realize the totality of my new life . I can't stop being scared of being alone.

And acquaintance of ours happen to stop by and she said to me can you imagine if you had gone first? She would be suffering even more than you it would've been more brutal for her that it is for you and you know that .

She would be suffering every day. if you love her then you should be grateful because you'll be together again.

God took her first because she would never have been able to survive the suffering .

She said my time will come. Maybe sooner, maybe later but we'll be together. To leave to to God's will in this time.

I wish I could find more comfort in that but as long as I am alone the pain will just keep coming.
My sister unexpectedly texted me today. she asked me how I was doing. I told her that I was going out of my mind. she started going on and on about how I'm to blame for my obesitytjat I should have done something about it. she just went on and on.
I tried to explain to her everything that's happened was the result of just having a poor body. I explAined that we tried everything. specialist doctors so I told my sister. she continues to act as if I lost a pet. she has so much to be grateful for. a husband and a house two sons but she still manages to complain always about something. I just can't handle it anymore. I had to tell her not to contact me anymore. I told her I was grateful for the help she gave and I'll always remember that, never forget .

Today there was a knock at the door and I had to assume the landlord so I didn't answer it . I was just too damn tired earlier .

For some reason I feel calmer. I think it's because I know everything's going to be falling apart. At some point you become so helpless that all you can do is just sit there and let it happen .

Between having no unemployment benefits and not having enough money for food, (I mean, I have gone days without eating so I'm used to it) and for some reason, I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm. it's calm and serene and all I could think about is Annette. I wanted to think about seeing her face. I think understand.

when everything is hopeless, you've lost everything, ( and I do mean everything) and all you have is your solitude, your silence, your grief, that's what you learn. To accept your circumstances and let the chips fall where they may because theres really nothing you can do about it.

I had to admit to myself I am nothing but a burden. I really am an annoyance. I'm glad that I could own up to that.

I'm Looking at Annette's photo as I write this and I keep thinking how much love we had and still have.

That's the real secret isn't it. To lose everything and live off the love you once had.

Let them Evict me
Let them cut off my cell phone
Let my obesity worsen
Let me go to bed hungry
Let my blood pressure go south

No one can ever take away the love i still have for Annette. Or trivialize it as my sister tried to do.

I'm here until the day God or Annette comes for me.

It's a real snowy day so I'm going to go for a nice walk . Annette loved the snow.

We both do.

I'm sorry to hear of your sister's communication. Beat a man while he's down and out. The reason I asked of the cell phone bill is my cell plan is $20/month given I just use it for text (unlimited use). If I use it for calls it is $1.99/day which I only use if I absolutely need to. (I have a magicjack which I use for calls.) But maybe that would be an option to give you a cell plan. It's a prepaid plan with Verizon. I feel like I'm giving you a miniature shovel to put out a house fire when you need a fucking tank. I really feel for you Rich and wish I had something better to solve your dire situation.  

I finally shaved off my beard and I also finally took a shower which I had not done for over two weeks.

It's becoming even harder to breathe now as I walk. Every little effort I make feels as if a huge weight has been dumped on me.

I went outside and sat down on the bench just looked at the city and the boats sailing by.

I spoke to Annette while I sat there. people would give me strange looks. If they only knew right ?

I keep talking to Annette every single day and night as if she was still here with me.

Were sister didn't understand that no one and I mean no one wanted me or Annette . We were so lucky to finally find someone who loved is more than we loved ourselves. that's why the pain increase is so profoundly intense blows m that's why the pain increase is so profoundly intense and blinding.

When we both went to the heart specialist he warned me that I should get my heart checked. We didn't we always take doctors suggestions.

I still can't believe she's gone my denial is profound I'm just so overwhelmed with pain and grief and loneliness knowing that I will never remarry and then I intend to spend the remaining years of my life by myself . No one ever loved each other the way Annette and I did . As I said when no one wanted us, we found each other.

That's what my family can't seem to get their head around .
Anyway I'm going to go rest now it's around 1230 and I'm just going to rest in bed I've had a long long day and I know that there's going to be longer ..
It's 430 in the afternoon and I'm alone again I've decided to go to sleep early.I keep seeing the photo of Annette and all I can think over and over and over is I could have saved her. I could've done something. If I had just gotten to Her sooner. I'm going to pay for this the rest of my life. all the days ahead of me that's all I'll be thinking about every single day.

Ever since I can remember when I was a child my family and myself we always had problems, tragedies -- something wrong, something always went wrong and it followed me to adulthood. when I met Annette, I thought those days will be over -- but she had gone through the same life as I had. We did struggle to survive a hard life, but I can tell you what a wonderful time we had. We knew every day would not be perfect but we would love each other and stick it out. together we had good days and bad days but. Now every day is a wait-and-see what bad news comes my way. Landlord knocking on the door police coming to take me away from the apartment or to sleeping on a bench when the shelters are full. that's all I think about. Well, not necessarily. Maybe Annette will show up and tell me I've suffered enough. She'll smile, she'll say "let's go." I made a promise to myself that once we"re reunited, I am never going to let her go. I'm going to hold on tight with both hands.

Now I'm going to bed early. I'm exhausted, physically, and spiritually.
My brother stopped by today and dropped off food for me. we had a long talk. he said he can't keep coming over. I don't blame him after all he went through a liver transplant and even though it's been 2 years since he had it, he is still recovering. On top of that he of course he has to work.

The hardest part about losing the a wife and I'm sure most will agree is the disbelief that the ones we love are not around. we just can't believe it.

I have Annette's cell phone and I play back her greeting over and over and it was so odd to listen to it and hear it -- I just broke down and cried.

This is the week that I find out if I have a chance now for unemployment benefits. if I don't get it, well I suppose the shelter in my area might have space if I'm lucky.

I'm tired and worn out. Theres nothing left to look forward to. That's ithe hardest part. having nowhere to go. nothing to do. No money. All there is to do is sit down and wait for the sun to set over again every day.

Even now as I write this you could hear a pin drop its that quiet. So, I continue to look at Annettes photo and talk to her and ask her to talk back to me. It's all I have left literally .

I am barely walking but I keep trying and I have an interview with Social Security disability in the middle of the month. who knows, I might get a break .

I'm going to go outside, sit down and watch the sun set. Then I'm going to go to bed early again. that pretty much sums up the rest of mylife. It goes to show you when you lose someone youre deeply in love with how empty life is.

Yes. We exist in silence so deep no one on earth could ever understand except us. Sincerely, AnneJ.

It dawned on me once I'm evicted, i'll have nowhere to go. I won't be able to Find a shelter because i can barely walk.

Something else. Annette used to always sing to me when I couldn't sleep. she would make up the songs and lyrics right on the spot. Sometimes it was silly and sometimes it was inspired.. where will I find another woman like this? I have no intention of remarrying. but I thought I would mention it because that just shows you how special she was to me and how much I loved her.

once I'm on the street I have nowhere to go and I know she'll be watching. I just hope she keeps me warm in the cold night.

I'm laying in bed right now looking around the apartment. I see some of the things Annette left behind and once again the silence is overwhelming. I truly am alone. Bless my brothers and sister. But they can't help anymore.

No, i'm on my own now. there's nothing left but to grow old or contract some deadly disease.

But I suspect that between the silence and being on the street and not eating will take its toll but that's OK too. I'm very tired and all I want is to be with my Annette.

My life was taken away. I keep repeating that in my head "my life was taken away" I wonder how long the misery will last, when the pain will go away. I keep begging God to take away the pain and Grief.
I just got the call from the unemployment office and I'm not eligible to collect.

So my eviction is coming up. In a way I'm glad it's over. I can't stop thinking Annette and we're going to make a go of it. With the job going from temp to permanent and her studying medical coding we were going to get doctors and get our health better.

Sadly, the complete opposite happens.

Annette died

My grief caused me to miss work and I was fired.

What money we had was used to pay for her cremation. Leaving me penniless.

Also the eviction is now at full steam. Vacating the apartment is expected this month

My brothers and sister can't take me in.

I can barely walk and my morbid obesity has left me wheezing and in pain.

The homeless shelters I contacted don't so far prioritize help for women and children, the elderly and the disabled. Single males are at the very last and space is limited. First come first serve.

I've lost everything. Even as I write this its once again silent.

I wonder where I'm going to go. What will become of me?

There's no one who can help.

I've exhausted every social service, church, city hall...

I beg Annette to please help me.

I beg and beg but there's no answer.

I've fallen to my knees and have asked her to rescue me but still no answer.

My hope"s all gone. There's no place to go. I just sit and wait. For what., I don't know.

The cell phone will cut off Monday so I've been told.

I have one can of soup which I sip once every few hours since it's all That's left.

I'm going to wait. Wait for the eviction. I won't take anything from the apartment except Annettes ashes, and the clothes on my back.

I'm so very tired. My despair's from Annettes death has left me a broken down wreckage.

I'm going to watch the sunset. Maybe then Annette will sit with me. Maybe she'll tell me how much she loves me and that she'll protect me.

I love her so much.


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