Don't grieve alone; 12,500 members and growing
Annette was my life. We were married 12 years. No children. Only the two of us. We both suffered from morbid obesity. This led to fluid build up called Edema. We both took care of each other as best we could. We were poor but a happy couple in our 50s. Annette also suffered from cronic panic attacks. SO awful that last year she spent nearly two weeks as they tried to get the proper meds for her.
They worked for time. Then I lost my job and health insurance. We had no money for medication as we tried to pay rent and prevent us from being evicted.
She stated having terrible night sleeps. Sleep apena (as I have) denied her a good night sleeps. SHe started screaming in her sleeps, and her edema started getting worse. SHe kept tellingme she didn't feel well for months. I begged her to go to the hospital but she refused. I think we were maybe both in denial of our health. We suffered. I had to find work despite the agony of walking. In fact its what kept me alive. The bread winner has to move. Movement is life.
She started to bloat and I screamed at her to go to the hospital. But she wouldn't. Then that night, she kept sleeping on her stomach. I sat across the room from her. I noticed she wasn't moving. I charged over to her an screamed Honey!!! I turned her over and her lips were blue. I screamed no!! please God no!!
I diled 911 they came but couldn't resucitate her. I loved her more thanmy own soul. I amalone. I come home to silence. My beloved of 12 years is gone. I am beyond grief. I beg God to plase take me. I collected her ashes yesterday and brought them home. I wear her ring which I will take with me upon my death.
It's a nightmare. An utter, blinding nightmare. I should have forced her. I keep thinking what if I had called 911 and forced her to go? I took care of her soiled clothing, washed her, and loved to cook for her. Now it's gone. ALl gone. I want the grief and madness to stop. It won't stop. ANd the only thing that will bring me peace is to be with my wonderful wife. Nothing comforts me. I just want to fall alseep and beg God to take me.
I am sorry for your recent loss. My husband also refused to go to the hospital until i called 911. ...don't be hard on yourself. I have been reading about your situation....very devastating.
It's up to you, but in my opinion, so what if people view you as pathetic, so long as they are willing to help?
The definition of pathetic is "arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness" -- well, is that not your situation? You are vulnerable, you are sad, and you deserve some help. There's nothing wrong with asking for that help, however you need to do it. You have not done all you can do to help yourself -- you've done a lot, but not this. You have tried other methods, and they have not worked, so why not try this one?
If you choose not to, then certainly that is up to you, but if you choose to try it, I don't think anyone would view you as less of a human being. I know I wouldn't. If I had any money myself, I would gladly give you some to help you out, and would not in any way think less of you.
Whatever happens, I hope your Annette is with you.