Annette was my life. We were married 12 years. No children. Only the two of us. We both suffered from morbid obesity. This led to fluid build up called Edema. We both took care of each other as best we could. We were poor but a happy couple in our 50s. Annette also suffered from cronic panic attacks. SO awful that last year she spent nearly two weeks as they tried to get the proper meds for her.

They worked for time. Then I lost my job and health insurance. We had no money for medication as we tried to pay rent and prevent us from being evicted.

She stated having terrible night sleeps. Sleep apena (as I have) denied her a good night sleeps. SHe started screaming in her sleeps, and her edema started getting worse. SHe kept tellingme she didn't feel well for months. I begged her to go to the hospital but she refused. I think we were maybe both in denial of our health. We suffered. I had to find work despite the agony of walking. In fact its what kept me alive. The bread winner has to move. Movement is life.

She started to bloat and I screamed at her to go to the hospital. But she wouldn't. Then that night, she kept sleeping on her stomach. I sat across the room from her. I noticed she wasn't moving. I charged over to her an screamed Honey!!! I turned her over and her lips were blue. I screamed no!! please God no!!

I diled 911 they came but couldn't resucitate her. I loved her more thanmy own soul. I amalone. I come home to silence. My beloved of 12 years is gone. I am beyond grief. I beg God to plase take me. I collected her ashes yesterday and brought them home. I wear her ring which I will take with me upon my death. 

It's a nightmare. An utter, blinding nightmare. I should have forced her. I keep thinking what if I had called 911 and forced her to go? I took care of her soiled clothing, washed her, and loved to cook for her. Now it's gone. ALl gone. I want the grief and madness to stop. It won't stop. ANd the only thing that will bring me peace is to be with my wonderful wife. Nothing comforts me. I just want to fall alseep and beg God to take me. 

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Landlord banged on my door today.I didn't answer but he left paperwork for the evection.

I also found out the hard way with regards to getting free meals that in my area only serves meals to those who are registered as homeless. so if I try to go down there, I was told I have to prove it. if I can't they"d turn
Me away.

I never heard of that being the case but I can't risk going and spending the last $12 left over in my pocket. It's all the money I have left in the world after paying for Annette's cremation.

It's nearly time now. They've come after me. I'm definitely going to be losing the apartment and become homeless .

Nothing in the world can help me now. I have to come to grips that I have to be honest with myself. I cannot live lying to myself about what's about to happen and what has happened in my life .

I only wish my beloved Annette Was here with me. We would share the burden and find strength in each other. I see many widowers and widows who survive because they have children, families, friends to lean on. I envy them despite their suffering.

I just want my wife back. To touch her. To caress her. To share our good times and bad. To tell how sorry I am I didn't get to her fast enough to save her. She always told me I was a great husband. but I failed her.

Each day is more terrifying than the next and yet I manage to hold on to my memories of the decent lives we once had. As I've said, we were poor but at least we had each other .

I'm going to try another shelter in another city that serves meals and hopefully maybe I can find some peace and forgiveness.

It's also the nights that scare me. I keep Annette's photo beside me just in case she contacts me and tells me she loves me and forgives me.

This is also probably the last week I will be able to have Internet and cell phone service. it will be cut off this coming week .
Can't seem to concentrate. Water is going to be cut off, along with electric and gas. I'm hoping the cold weather prevents any of this to happen as I think there's a law based on the cold and not being allowed to cut heat in someone's apartment when the temperature is at a certain point.

I Had the last bit of food in the house. I was lucky to find jello cups in the fridge that I completely forgot. i had Annettes photo by my side last night. I prayed as always for her not to leave me behind, alone , by myself.

It seems each day is even worse than I feared. I took a risk and tried
The shelter in the neighboring city for meals. The lines was long and i couldn't keep standing with the legs I have.i asked if i could cut ahead (big mistake). People got pissed off at me for even asking. So I kept my mouth shut, went home.

Annette and I lived for each other. Funny thing. I used to tell her thank god I found her because without her my life would be useless and unbearable. She couldn't believe that but I made it a point to tell her that any time she didn't believe she contributed to our marriage. She was the reason I got up a 4am and got to work at 7am.

We had thought we were finally free from the misery and pain we both went through before meeting each other. We really were starting to climb out from those years of poverty, an empty refrigerator with no food and doing something about our health. And now it's all gone. I wait now for a sheriff to serve me with eviction. Any day now.

And knowing I have lost my love, my life's purpose leaves me only fading memories of my beloved.

I intend (when they come for me) to abandon the apartment. I have nothing of value. The only thing I will take are Annette's ashes photos and the clothes on my back. I'm not strong enough to pack being too weak and obese.

December 2nd my Annette died in my arms. The love and purpose was ripped from me. Now I'm just some, 53, year old, balding wreck wondering how he lost it all in one night.
Richard,
I really think you ought to call the local news station. They are always looking for "human interest" stories, and people often want to help. At this point it can't hurt, anyway.
Bluebird:
At first it sounds like a really good idea but I would only be viewed as pathetic. I'm suffering enough now. To be publicly displayed on television makes me even less of a human being.

No, I've accepted that my life has taken a turn for the worse. I'm going to let whatever happens happen. I've done all I can do to help myself. Sometimes you have to just let go and watch life as it unfolds before us.

Where will I wind up? I have no idea. But if there's any truth to our deceased loved ones watching and protecting us then that's all I have. I'm inclined to believe Annette is watching and will help me. Maybe I'm naive but it's all I have.

It's up to you, but in my opinion, so what if people view you as pathetic, so long as they are willing to help?

The definition of pathetic is "arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness" -- well, is that not your situation? You are vulnerable, you are sad, and you deserve some help. There's nothing wrong with asking for that help, however you need to do it. You have not done all you can do to help yourself -- you've done a lot, but not this. You have tried other methods, and they have not worked, so why not try this one? 

If you choose not to, then certainly that is up to you, but if you choose to try it, I don't think anyone would view you as less of a human being. I know I wouldn't.  If I had any money myself, I would gladly give you some to help you out, and would not in any way think less of you.

Whatever happens, I hope your Annette is with you.

Richard, do you have a paypal account?
Michael:
I have my wife's Go Fund Me page still up (still trying to raise funds for her memorial). I've included the link and maybe it could be passed. It never reached its goal as I managed to get enough for the cremation only. I haven't given up hope that it might.
http://www.gofundme.com/wifememorial

Thanks for any help to everyone. Tomorrow I have to see if I can appeal my loss of unemployment benefits. Though it's a long process I pray I get cut a break. It's been delayed for a month now. It's A miracle I still have a place, whatever time left, to live in.
I do have a PayPal account which I completely forgot about ( my memory loss has gotten worse) The email associated with it is Velera@hotmail.com

Rich
I was told by someone that there was no such thing as an afterlife and to get over my grieving that my wife is gone.

i'm devastated someone would say something like that especially to me when I'm at my lowest point .

Has anyone gone through an NDE experience or know someone who has? I'd like to hear about it first hand.

I don't like to hear from others here in this form with they think.
Something else. I'm sitting outside as I write this. I stare at the space Annette used to sit at (right beside me) and I can't stop thinking how unnatural it feels. As if it wasn't her time and that I'm looking at a space that should be occupied. That there's something not right in all of this.

I mean sure, no kids, no cash, no friends I just occupy empty space But the emptiness has grown and swallowing everything around me. I don't mean to come off as if I'm some philosopher but it's not right. Every piece of it feels wrong as any wrong could feel to someone.

The sun is slowly going down and I just can't shake the feeling that I'm more inside a dream state. As if I will wake up and it's all over and Annette and I are once again together.

Maybe I'm just reaching but I can't help the constant feelings I have that this wasn't meant to be. That in someway life made a mistake. I know shit happens but this shit still doesn't feel right.
I feel the same way, Richard, and have since my husband died.
Blue bird:
Thank God someone like you responded and understands. It's simply a gut feeling. I'm assuming this is a normal sensation. But maybe it's a spiritual instinct. We know deep at our core the life we all now lead seems unnatural.

I'm right now trying to keep myself occupied but with next to nothing in resources it's brutal.

If there is one consolation in all my misery and grief it's that My health (as it's been for many years now) has declined to the point where getting dressed takes its toll on me. And hopefully, Annette will be there when it's my time.

Wait, scratch that. Annette WILL be there when God finally decides to bring her and me together. And the pain and anguish will disappear and replaced by love and joy.

We all want that and I don't see any reason for not praying for it.

Tonight I'm once more going to a half empty bed greeted by silence. And I'll keep dreaming about the only one who brought me joy and loved me so much.

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