Lost my light in the darkness

I lost my wife on the 25 of March after returning from my Dads funeral. She is everything to me. No matter how bad it got, no matter how much my PTSD drug me down, She has been my light in the darkness for the past 7 years. Since she has passed my stepdaughter and stepson arnt speaking to me. Im alone, with my own sorrow and guilt. Im still working amongst all this virus scare and people ask me why im not worried about it. Its because if I get it maybe I will be able to see her again. Im so tired, mentally and emotionally. I feel the darkness closing in day by day and no one seems to care. 

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on April 16, 2020 at 9:51am
Shane,
I'm sorry all that has happened to you. People here care, and we know what it's like to feel so alone. Are your stepchildren actually children? If so, they are likely having a very difficult time dealing with their mother's death, and should be taken to therapy. If they are adults the same may hold true, but in that case it's their own responsibility.
Have you considered therapy for yourself? Or perhaps speaking to a spiritual advisor, if you have someone like that and if you feel it would help you.
I'd recommend continuing to come here, as well. I have found it helpful.
Permalink Reply by Shane Hughes on April 16, 2020 at 10:02am

Daughter is an adult and married. Son is a senior in HS but is autistic. Son is staying with his fathers mom at the moment. 

With this virus stuff going on most therapy options are on hold for now. I contacted my doctors and they have put me on medication to help. As for spiritual leaders, I don't know if I can right now. Im so angry and frustrated with God as well as angry and drowning in guilt myself. Sometimes I wish someone would give the virus to me, that way It wouldn't be suicide and I can leave this hell and see my wife again. Then I think of my family back home and the kids, making me feel even more guilty for not wanting to be here anymore. I just don't understand how God can keep me here after ive done so much bad stuff in my younger years and attempted to take my life not once but twice, but can take someone so good. 

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