I lost my wife 6 weeks ago and I'm in agony every day.  We've been together for 51 years, married for 48.  Met at age 16.  We were like one person.  We knew everything about each other.  No secrets, thoughts (even if a little crazy), or feelings  were not known between us.  We held the belief that if we didn't know each other completely, we wouldn't be able to love the real person, just the person we envisioned.

She loved me so much all my life.  Making me happy was her happiness.  We have 4 children and 8 grandchildren.  They are the reason I won't end my life but I really want to die in hopes of being with her again.  No more doctors for me.  She did everything right.  Annual physical, mamo, gyn, colon every five and always, fit and healthy. 

Out of the blue she vomited one day really bad.  At first we thought it was just a stomach virus but it happened again the following two days.  We went to the ER because her belly looked a little swollen and the took a CT scan.  Long story short, they found cancer in her stomach, bone, intestines, brain, liver and lung.  So strange that all the placed she had tests as mentioned above were clean.  She never had any symptoms or pain before.  We went to one of the best hosp in NYC and they tried 2 biopsies, one needle which didn't show what type she had and the went in with a camera for a few pieces in different areas.  They still couldn't tell.  We sent the slides to Sloan Kettering and they couldn't tell either.  All they did was radiation because they didn't know what kind of chemo to give her.  In hosp 3 times for a week, first time sent home and next day she couldn't walk, then her upper arm broke so back we went.  Them stomach bleeding and back we went.  In between it was out patient radiation.  Finally they sent us home and was to send hospice saying she might last a week.  One day home before hospice she got a bad belly ache.  I knew something was bad and called all the kids to come over.  She was in my arms on the bed when they all got there.  She looked at them and smiled.  Then seeing they were crying, she said "I'm sorry".  I was was crying too and she told me not to cry.  I just kept on telling her how much I love her and that we'll be together again soon forever.  She started vomiting brown liquid and the girls kept clearing her mouth of it.  I asked if she was in pain and she said no.  I said "give me a kiss" and she puckered up and I gave her a kiss.  Her breathing got somewhat labored.  I asked if she could still hear me and she nodded yes.  I asked if she could still see me and she nodded yes.  We gazed into each other's eyes for a bit and she stopped breathing.  I held her for about 45 minutes and then the kids called 911 who sent the police and ems who pronounced her dead and one of the doctors agreed to sign the death certificate so the funeral home could just come and take her.  There was a DNR as we knew she was going to die.

I cry every day.  I keep talking to her all day long begging for a sign that she's with me in spirit.  I tried a psycologist who was useless.  I'm joining a bereavement group next week but I can't see them helping me either.  Seems everyone wants one to just get over it and carry on with life.  I will never get over her till I'm with her again.  I won't commit suicide because that would hurt our kids and grandkids, but I sure as hell don't have to see doctors or stay healthy.  Thanks for letting me share.

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Joe, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you've heard that a thousand times. This site is a good place to come and vent and not be judged by someone who has NO IDEA what you're going thru. We feel your pain, your agony because we are living it too. It's been 3 years since my husband died from cancer. Like your wife,he had been to doctors for routine stuff, even had a couple of surgeries(gallbladder, sinus) and nothing about his cancer was picked up until it was too late. Doctors told us the cancer had probably started 4 years earlier. He fought for his life going thru chemo and radiation...but died within 7 months of diagnosis. I spent the first year with a hole in my chest...just going thru the motions of living...doing what I had to do. I was angry at the world. 3 years later I'm not as angry but am not particularly proactive in my life. I'm NOT destructive...just try to flow. I had such dreams of growing old with my husband. WE had dreams of travelling, of watching our children marry and have our grandbabies...In fact, the one thing that brought tears to my husbands' eyes was that he would NOT be around to spoil any grandbabies and that I would have to do it. In a way, Joe, we are lucky. We had someone we really loved in our lives...and that's what makes it so hard. There are still times I think he'll walk in that door behind me.

Fran,

Here, Here, no one judges you on the site love all of you.

God Bless, Linda

Thank you Fran.  A psyc I saw recommended by my PC (because he lost his wife a few years ago) definately didn't have what we had.  He had a girl friend and said our deceased spouses would want us to have a full happy life.  Well, no one will ever take her place or love me the way she did as I did her.  I don't believe in till death do us part.  All I want is to spend eternity with her and hopefully it won't be long till then.  Nothing or no one will ever change the way I feel.  Actually, my children know how I feel and they are very supportive.  They understand that someday they will lose me as they did their mother and will take comfort in knowing that we will finally be re-united (either in spirit, which I hope for) or just together forever in the same grave.

Joe,

So sorry for your lost. This website is awesome, I have been on it 5 years and always find support from people that care, my family doesn't.

Linda

Dear Joe, I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. It warmed my heart this morning to read your touching tribute to her. I hope in time you can remember her with joy and fondness, as well as with tears. It sounds like you raised some wonderful children who are there to support you now, while moving through their own grief.  I lost my Dad, my favorite uncle and my husband in 2014, 2015 and 2016.  I was in a dark place all through 2016 into 2017, and I finally sought the medical and counseling help I needed in the fall of 2017. I feel 100% better now, but I learned a valuable lesson - I need to make myself my top priority. Some of my siblings don't like it, but I certainly don't expect or want their approval.  In the fall of 2016 I moved away from our home, out of state to my Mother's house, to help take care of her. She has Parkinson's and it was very physically and emotionally draining. I began traveling down here while my husband was still alive, and he was very supportive even though I was gone from Friday morning to Sunday afternoon, every single week. He told me if I needed to do that to make myself feel better, I should. It did make me feel a lot better to help my Mother, and I mistakenly thought I could help her move through her grief a little bit, since I am also a widow now.  I am proud of myself for stepping up and helping her in her hour of need (for 1.5 years full time, and 2.5 years part time, weekends), despite the yawning chasm of my own grief for losing my beloved husband.  I've found that helping someone else can get me out of my very deep funk, at least sometimes.   

I am glad you're reaching out for help despite you doubts. That takes a lot of courage.  When I felt really bleak after my Dad and uncle died, my husband's advice was "Grow long fingernails and hang on."  That's on a post-it note on my mirror, so I see it every morning. I always smile even though it makes me sad, too.

I'm wishing you a good laugh about something today, that always makes me feel better. This website has been a light in the darkness for me. I hope you find the support and understanding you need here. Take care of yourself, you are worth it. 

Joe,  I am sorry of the loss of the love of your life. You shared 51 years with her and that is amazing and wonderful. My fiance and I loved each other like you guys. We strived to make each other's lives more enriching and exciting each day. We finally decided to make it official and then it was too late.  It has only been 6 weeks since I lost my fiance (only 42), so I am feeling your pain and agony. It was a similar situation.....at the time he was life flighted they thought it was an infection and then they said cancer but didn't know what kind. It ended up being Stage 4 Lymphoma. He ended up getting 2 rounds of aggressive chemo and they said it was responding well and after next round of chemo he could return to a facility closers to home. That never happened because a week later he was gone. He had gone to dr/hospital a few times before the life flight, and was sent home with a "cough" and such. I am sick over it all and I have no desire to do anything, so I COMPLETELY understand and am sending you a big virtual hug!!! I was in his hospital room when he took his last breathe but was not blessed enough to get that last kiss. Hold onto that!!!!   Your exchange of love right up to the end is your blessing from her. Unfortunately, I left room for a quick walk and drink and when I returned they had already given him a shot of morphine and had fallen asleep. I never got those last "I love you's" and last kisses.....so hold strong my friend, You are not alone. We will survive till we get to be with them again!!! Remember, it' ok to cry.....cry when you need to....on your terms!!!  A sign will come, just keep faith. A week a go I could not have written this but I got a sign 2 days a go. My son and I ordered chicken at a restaurant and mine was in shape of perfect heart and my son's was a butterfly. I have to believe that was a sign!!!! Stay strong. Inbox me whenever you need to!!!!

Thank you all for your loving replies.  Every day, all day, she's all I think about.  It's like a nightmare that I'll never wake up from.  Alison, the way I feel now, I don't even know if I want to feel better.  I just want her.  I know she can't come back to me but maybe some day and I hope soon, I'll be able to go to her.  As I stated, I'll never take my own life but I hope it ends soon.  Yes, I know that's not a mentally healthy way of thinking, but we all go someday anyway, so for me, the sooner the better.  

Lori,

I'm so sorry you didn't get a chance to kiss and gaze at each other when he went.  I beg every day for a sign but nothing yet.  I don't know what kind of a sign I'm asking for but I can just imagine her trying but can't cross over.  I read her unfinished book to her every day and hope she's hearing me read. I won't give up hope and thanks for the hug.  It's fresh for us both as it seems to be about the same time we lost our lovers.  God bless you for consoling me while you are in deep mourning yourself.

Hello Joe. I am so teribly sorry for the loss of your beloved. My dear husband died 2 years ago. Unlike your wife he would never go to the doctor, just worked 6/7 days a week waiting for the day he could retire. He died 2 weeks before his 64th birthday. He came home from work Thursday morning, told me he thought he must have had a bug and the fever broke. I asked him for more details, he said he was on the forklift, felt dizzy, nauseous, lightheaded then broke out is a cold sweat. It passed after a few minutes and his chest was a "Little sore", now but that was it. I said let's go to the ER, you might have had a heart attack, to which he said bullshit, he was fine, maybe a a little pleurisy going on, his chest just felt a little tight, not painful.We went back and forth like this until 4 a.m. Friday morning when I told him either we go to the ER or I call 911. He said alright. He died at 11:15 a.m., Friday Feb.5th,2016 cardiac arrest. My life, my world ended when he died. We had been married 46 years, I am still trying to figure out how to do this without him. I love him and miss him so terribly much. Was referred for acute grief counceling, it was pointless. Like I told the therapist, they cannot bring back my husband, they cannot fill the void he left, I am still his wife. I now just "live" waiting for when I pray the Lord will let us be together again forever. Don't give up freind, we are here and we DO understand. <3 Sharon in Nebraska.

Thank you for sharing Sharon and sorry you lost you're true love, best friend and lover.  What I'm finding out is that everyone wants to fix me somehow, just like when you went for therapy.  From what I read and hear is that we should be able to heal and enjoy life again.  Three sessions with a Psyc and joining a bereavement group and that's their goal they talk about.  If we can't, they call it complicated grief which needs to be treated more.  Treated how?  They don't understand that the only way I can be fixed is to bring her back which is impossible of course.  Yes, over time I will function better but will always hurt.  I'm functioning now but still in agony.  Also, it's not just my own hurt that haunts me, it's her hurt too.  She said "I'm gonna get gypped with Isla" when she realized that she wasn't going to live.  She's our newest grandchild.  We had a nice life but it was cut short and she didn't deserve it.  That makes me hurt even more than for myself.  The only consolation is that had I died first, she would had been where I am.  But that is of little comfort not having her still.  Yes, it's forever and not till death do us part.  I can't wait to join her and so will avoid medical attention.  My children know and understand because they know that we two were one.

To all my friends, all we can do is try to put one foot in front of the other, when we wake up to another day. 

Grief. So all encompassing.so very difficult to move beyond it. So very sorry for your loss Joe. I joined this group a while ago but find it hard to share. May you be able to take one step forward each morning even if at the end of the day your grief has brought you two steps back. Wishing you strength.......

Joe,

This is so hard what you're feeling. You say your bereavement group won't help either, and maybe it won't, but I did find some comfort in being around people who were right in the thick of it. It used to hurt to go out and see all the "normal" people who didn't seem to have a worry. It made me feel like an alien here. But around other grievers, at least for a little while I felt normal. And I had phone numbers of people I could call in the worst of it who would understand. That was a small comfort. Sometimes we met for lunch, and it was the only place where people truly understood my sadness. That helped too. So maybe don't expect miracles from the support you find, but take what you can.

As for feeling your wife's presence, I think we're all a little different in that and it has nothing to do with how deeply we've loved. I sometimes wonder if it has something to do with how deeply we're hurting, though. Maybe all that hurt is so all-consuming that it's hard to be receptive to her presence? 

No, you don't have to be "fixed" or "get through it" but I know that I got to a point where I just wanted the pain to lighten. I think that's what people mean, that maybe you can get to a place where it doesn't hurt quite as much. It's still so new. Don't expect too much right now and be gentle with yourself.

Hugs,

Trevy

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