Hi, everyone,

I have been going to a grief group since I felt I needed some direction to "get a life".

The leader is a great guy and has some wisdom that for the moment I consider.  He told us that it is our choice of how we spend the rest of our lives without our loves.  We can either look forward or backward.  Well, it all sounds good until I get home to an empty house, an empty life, no friends I really like, a family who thinks I am doing "better", and a husband who is gone.  All the things that are said I know are true cognitively, but my brain just wants my love back! 

I am worse off now than I was before! I have lost all ambition to do anything.  I see a few other widows who are going on trips, joining all kinds of groups, and volunteering while I sit at home and cannot get dressed some days.  I look out at a sunny day and think I should enjoy it, but I cannot.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I envy other couples their happiness.

I think, some days, I am losing my mind.  I have no energy.  I miss being loved and loving. I hate my life.  I want my husband back, but I know that is not going to happen.  I want to die and join him.  I want to stop crying and have some peace!  I want to smile again and feel some happiness, but, without him, I don't think that is possible.

What if there is nothing when we die? What if we just cease to exist?  I have asked those questions, and I have decided that if that is so, I welcome it rather than this life I am living.

Everyone tells me how precious life is, well, for me that has become very questionable!  How precious does the life I have described above sound?  

I know I must go on, but how?  As Dante said, I have "abandoned hope".

Truly, I hope others can give me some possitive things to hang on to.  Right now, my only gratitude is that I had my love, my wonderful husband, for 55 years.  But, sometimes, I think that having him that long made it impossible to live without him.

Maxie

Views: 123

Replies to This Discussion

Dear Maxie,

Word for word I could have written what you did.  I've have the very same thoughts, all of them that you have.  I feel the same way.  I wish I could give you some positive outlook but I can't.  My wife died 8 weeks ago.  I started the "In Agony" discussion and the only thing I can say is that we have to hope there is an afterlife so we reunite with our loved one.  Hang onto that, keep talking to him, (I read her unfinished books to her everyday).  Keep asking for a sign from him that he's ok and waiting for you (when it's your time).  I haven't gotten one yet but I did experience an out of body experience after being hit by a truck back in the 80's.  I remember as I was hitting the ground, I thought to myself "oh shit, I'm dead".  Then I was what seemed to be about 20 feet above my body laying in the street looking down at myself.  I had a fantastic, painless, peaceful feeling and I was aware of all the surroundings.  I saw someone come walking toward me.  I felt as though I wanted to stay where I was but the thought of my wife and kids flashed in my mind.  Now this next part is why I know it couldn't be a dream.  I thought to myself "no, I can't go yet" and I dove right back into my body and immediately stood up and saw the man who walked over to me.  That wasn't a dream.  I was taken to the hospital, the entire left side on my body was black and blue from shoulder to ankles.  The x-rayed my entire body and I had no broken bones.  Just a 3x3 bump on the back of my head.  All thru the years I think back and at times wonder if it could had all been a dream.  And I always come to the same conclusion.  I dove back into my body and got up.  That was not a dream.  I hang onto that as hope that there is an afterlife.  My body was able to accept me back but my wife's wasn't.  I'm not going to harm myself because of my kids and grandkids but I'm not going to interfere with passing away naturally either.  No medical intervention unless it's just a PITA and not going to kill me.  God bless and hang in there.  Joe

Thanks, Joe.  I appreciate you describing your experience during your accident.  It gives me hope that there really is something after this life.  My greatest hope which keeps me going and half way sane is that we will be joined again with our loved ones.

You are so early in this grief state, so I really send my hopes to you that you find some peace since you have experienced such a gift of knowing that death is not painful, but peaceful and welcoming.

I feel better reading your reply; thanks for taking the time.

MAXIE

Dear Maxey, How I feel for you and can empathise so much.I ask myself that question How can we have been loved & cherished all those years and then be expected to move on within our lives. I too read inspirational stuff & have a psychiatric support worker & am doing an online grief counselling but it always wears off and am back where I started.

Best Wishes

Marjorie xx

Hi Maxey,

Thanks for your honesty, and I feel the same. Personally, I hate it when people say it is our choice, to look forwards or back, etc, partly because that sounds like they are blaming the bereaved for feeling sad and missing their loves, and partly because it shows how little they understand about this situation — when the love of your life dies.  Normal rules don’t apply. You can’t positive-think your way out of the resulting emotional devastation. What even are the concepts of “backwards” and “forwards” in our case? Can someone who has not had the love we have known, and then been ripped away from their one true love, really understand just what a wasteland this life then feels like? I used to say “life is precious”, but I struggle to understand that short sentence now. I still believe it’s true in many ways, but my life doesn’t feel precious to me personally. His life, on the other hand, was the most precious jewel. I hope that we all feel better in time, but most of all I hope we have the strength to bear the suffering and follow our own paths through the dark wood (more Dante). 

Hello Maxie, Sharon here. I wasn't blessed with 55 years with my love, we had 46 years together, married at 18 years old. It is 2 years out for me and I miss him so much. I am still going through the days of not getting dressed, not going anywhere, etc., etc. I was referred to acute grief therapy by my family doctor as I have developed some health issues he feels are related to my grief. I went for a few months and experienced the "It's your choice, move forward or stay ""stuck""." I went for the last time 2 weeks ago, my choice. I told her I wasn't returning, nothing she said would bring my beloved back or ease the pain of losing him, BUT that's okay. I don't want healed, I am glad he was my everything.I am glad that losing him hurts so badly because he was loved that much by me. I gues I have developed the attitude of the world has it's way of viewing life, I have mine. I am 66, not looking for a "chapter two", I don't want to try "new experiences" without him. But that's okay too. I know, absolutely, one day we will be together again forever. I , the first summer of his death was in our front yard crying my eyes out when out of nowhere, literally, I smelled him. My beloved's scent, his personal smell, the smell of his skin was surrounding me and it was sheer bliss while it lasted. Then a couple of weeks ago I was cleaning in my kitchen and a song came on by a group called Elevation and it literally brought me to my knees because I saw my husband being held in the loving arms of God. He was safe, he was home. It truly gave me such peaceseeing he was safe. So, it's okay to mourn our love's, it's okay to let the world know they were loved, valued and the hole they have left in their passing. I believe that just because society dictates we should try to move ahead with a new life I don't want one, my "old" life was absolutely fine and I will keep on living it until I join my husband. God bless you. 

Attachments:

RSS

Latest Activity

Virginia G commented on morgan's blog post How long can I last?
"Morgan, i know you said you don’t like meds, but maybe one of the natural supplements for anxiety could lessen the meltdowns?  Just a suggestion.  I’m the opposite, don’t know why I’m not having constant breakdowns,…"
3 hours ago
Virginia G left a comment for morgan
"Morgan, thanks for the comment on my blog.  I read a few of your posts and I have the same desire to get out of here as soon as possible.  I’m only 47 and there’s no way I can wait until I’m old.  I’m afraid if…"
3 hours ago
Brett Bowman and Virginia G are now friends
4 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Brett Bowman's blog post How Far is Heaven?
"Virginia, while I don't know you, I don know this... your mom knew that you loved/love her. And there is a cold reality in all of this. No matter how hard I tried, my mom still died. There was no stopping it. It was like trying to hold back a…"
4 hours ago
Virginia G commented on Brett Bowman's blog post How Far is Heaven?
"Oatmeal, As I read your blog, I cried and cried.  It’s all too familiar and all too heartbreaking.  My Mom and I did everything together.  I always lived with both parents, but my Dad was always the quiet type that liked to do…"
5 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Crystal, there is no timeline. I understand all that you are saying. After moving out of my mom's house, I had to go back. My realtor called me back there frequently. I had little choice. It was hard. I did cry, but it was not the difference…"
6 hours ago
morgan commented on Virginia G's blog post Post traumatic stress disorder
"Virginia, We ask ourselves alot of questions when we suffer such a great loss as a loved one.  All of your questions I have asked myself over and over as I have tried to live beyond the loss of my husband.  I've not answered them…"
8 hours ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is so hard. My sister whose husband passed away April 9th 2018 does not want to see me right now because I remind her of Mom's passing a year ago Feb 14th. She does not do it to be mean or hurtful. She is just too full of grief for her…"
11 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Sorry for the typos"
12 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Crystal. You have to do those things in memory of your mom should would want  you to do it I truly believe that I’m not saying that I don’t cry every day because I do I get in bed at night I cry when I’m sitting home alone I…"
12 hours ago
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"In 3 months, it will be a year since my mom passed away. It feels like it was yesterday. I know I asked this before but when does it get easier to do activities that you and your mother did together? I cant bring myself to do anything that reminds…"
12 hours ago
Alice Thompson commented on Virginia G's blog post Post traumatic stress disorder
"Hello Virginia, I’m so sorry you are going through this hell. PTSD has been part of my grieving process too. I think that when we lose someone who is absolutely essential to us, our brains don’t have the ability to adjust to the changed…"
15 hours ago
Virginia G posted a blog post

Post traumatic stress disorder

I am experiencing post traumatic stress disorder.  Some days I cry a lot, others not much.  I get upset when I don’t cry.  I feel as if I should be crying all day every day because the thing I feared the most my whole life happened.  How have I not had ten heart attacks by now?  Some days I have bad flashbacks of the hospital.  Other days I feel like I can’t process what happened.  Is my mind blocking what happened to protect me from the pain?  Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind.  Am I…See More
23 hours ago
Marlene Kublin is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Ginger posted a blog post

Today is 2 months since I lost my only daughter to cancer and to me being reminded in some way  of what used to be is a hard one for me. She was my best friend, we talked quite often and I visited on…

Today is 2 months since I lost my only daughter to cancer and to me being reminded in some way  of what used to be is a hard one for me. She was my best friend, we talked quite often and I visited on occasion. When friends talk about their adult daughters it brings to light the realization that I once had that and I don't anymore and the tears come. I guess when I'm not reminded,I want to still think she is here,only a phone call away. Already many things have changed, we used to talk on the…See More
yesterday
Linda Engberg replied to kathy's discussion loost my spouce in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Kathy, The group I belong to is "Still Mourn Husband after 5 Years" they also have other groups or you can start your own. Linda"
yesterday
lorraine knight posted a discussion

Grief that hits you at odd moments

While grocery shopping I noted a man sitting waiting for his wife as I surmised, my husband used to do wait patiently for me. It hit me hard that I no longer had anyone waiting for me.  So alone after 36 years.......See More
yesterday
AnneJ. commented on morgan's blog post How long can I last?
"Ah, Morgan. And Bluebird and Linda and Mel and Alice and all you others who let me walk with you from cave to cave during these dreadful years of an examined life. I'm so tired I can't even write lately; our old friends, where are they...…"
Wednesday
kathy replied to kathy's discussion loost my spouce in the group Lost My Spouse...
"The discussion groups, are they on this web site?"
Tuesday
Linda Engberg replied to kathy's discussion loost my spouce in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Kathy, The best online support group I found is "Grief Healing Discussion Groups", my Husband has been gone 5 years and everyday is still hell, this site you on now did not help.  Linda  "
Tuesday

© 2018   Created by Jarvis.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service