Hi, everyone,

I have been going to a grief group since I felt I needed some direction to "get a life".

The leader is a great guy and has some wisdom that for the moment I consider.  He told us that it is our choice of how we spend the rest of our lives without our loves.  We can either look forward or backward.  Well, it all sounds good until I get home to an empty house, an empty life, no friends I really like, a family who thinks I am doing "better", and a husband who is gone.  All the things that are said I know are true cognitively, but my brain just wants my love back! 

I am worse off now than I was before! I have lost all ambition to do anything.  I see a few other widows who are going on trips, joining all kinds of groups, and volunteering while I sit at home and cannot get dressed some days.  I look out at a sunny day and think I should enjoy it, but I cannot.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I envy other couples their happiness.

I think, some days, I am losing my mind.  I have no energy.  I miss being loved and loving. I hate my life.  I want my husband back, but I know that is not going to happen.  I want to die and join him.  I want to stop crying and have some peace!  I want to smile again and feel some happiness, but, without him, I don't think that is possible.

What if there is nothing when we die? What if we just cease to exist?  I have asked those questions, and I have decided that if that is so, I welcome it rather than this life I am living.

Everyone tells me how precious life is, well, for me that has become very questionable!  How precious does the life I have described above sound?  

I know I must go on, but how?  As Dante said, I have "abandoned hope".

Truly, I hope others can give me some possitive things to hang on to.  Right now, my only gratitude is that I had my love, my wonderful husband, for 55 years.  But, sometimes, I think that having him that long made it impossible to live without him.

Maxie

Views: 164

Replies to This Discussion

Dear Maxie,

Word for word I could have written what you did.  I've have the very same thoughts, all of them that you have.  I feel the same way.  I wish I could give you some positive outlook but I can't.  My wife died 8 weeks ago.  I started the "In Agony" discussion and the only thing I can say is that we have to hope there is an afterlife so we reunite with our loved one.  Hang onto that, keep talking to him, (I read her unfinished books to her everyday).  Keep asking for a sign from him that he's ok and waiting for you (when it's your time).  I haven't gotten one yet but I did experience an out of body experience after being hit by a truck back in the 80's.  I remember as I was hitting the ground, I thought to myself "oh shit, I'm dead".  Then I was what seemed to be about 20 feet above my body laying in the street looking down at myself.  I had a fantastic, painless, peaceful feeling and I was aware of all the surroundings.  I saw someone come walking toward me.  I felt as though I wanted to stay where I was but the thought of my wife and kids flashed in my mind.  Now this next part is why I know it couldn't be a dream.  I thought to myself "no, I can't go yet" and I dove right back into my body and immediately stood up and saw the man who walked over to me.  That wasn't a dream.  I was taken to the hospital, the entire left side on my body was black and blue from shoulder to ankles.  The x-rayed my entire body and I had no broken bones.  Just a 3x3 bump on the back of my head.  All thru the years I think back and at times wonder if it could had all been a dream.  And I always come to the same conclusion.  I dove back into my body and got up.  That was not a dream.  I hang onto that as hope that there is an afterlife.  My body was able to accept me back but my wife's wasn't.  I'm not going to harm myself because of my kids and grandkids but I'm not going to interfere with passing away naturally either.  No medical intervention unless it's just a PITA and not going to kill me.  God bless and hang in there.  Joe

Thanks, Joe.  I appreciate you describing your experience during your accident.  It gives me hope that there really is something after this life.  My greatest hope which keeps me going and half way sane is that we will be joined again with our loved ones.

You are so early in this grief state, so I really send my hopes to you that you find some peace since you have experienced such a gift of knowing that death is not painful, but peaceful and welcoming.

I feel better reading your reply; thanks for taking the time.

MAXIE

Dear Maxey, How I feel for you and can empathise so much.I ask myself that question How can we have been loved & cherished all those years and then be expected to move on within our lives. I too read inspirational stuff & have a psychiatric support worker & am doing an online grief counselling but it always wears off and am back where I started.

Best Wishes

Marjorie xx

Hi Maxey,

Thanks for your honesty, and I feel the same. Personally, I hate it when people say it is our choice, to look forwards or back, etc, partly because that sounds like they are blaming the bereaved for feeling sad and missing their loves, and partly because it shows how little they understand about this situation — when the love of your life dies.  Normal rules don’t apply. You can’t positive-think your way out of the resulting emotional devastation. What even are the concepts of “backwards” and “forwards” in our case? Can someone who has not had the love we have known, and then been ripped away from their one true love, really understand just what a wasteland this life then feels like? I used to say “life is precious”, but I struggle to understand that short sentence now. I still believe it’s true in many ways, but my life doesn’t feel precious to me personally. His life, on the other hand, was the most precious jewel. I hope that we all feel better in time, but most of all I hope we have the strength to bear the suffering and follow our own paths through the dark wood (more Dante). 

Hello Maxie, Sharon here. I wasn't blessed with 55 years with my love, we had 46 years together, married at 18 years old. It is 2 years out for me and I miss him so much. I am still going through the days of not getting dressed, not going anywhere, etc., etc. I was referred to acute grief therapy by my family doctor as I have developed some health issues he feels are related to my grief. I went for a few months and experienced the "It's your choice, move forward or stay ""stuck""." I went for the last time 2 weeks ago, my choice. I told her I wasn't returning, nothing she said would bring my beloved back or ease the pain of losing him, BUT that's okay. I don't want healed, I am glad he was my everything.I am glad that losing him hurts so badly because he was loved that much by me. I gues I have developed the attitude of the world has it's way of viewing life, I have mine. I am 66, not looking for a "chapter two", I don't want to try "new experiences" without him. But that's okay too. I know, absolutely, one day we will be together again forever. I , the first summer of his death was in our front yard crying my eyes out when out of nowhere, literally, I smelled him. My beloved's scent, his personal smell, the smell of his skin was surrounding me and it was sheer bliss while it lasted. Then a couple of weeks ago I was cleaning in my kitchen and a song came on by a group called Elevation and it literally brought me to my knees because I saw my husband being held in the loving arms of God. He was safe, he was home. It truly gave me such peaceseeing he was safe. So, it's okay to mourn our love's, it's okay to let the world know they were loved, valued and the hole they have left in their passing. I believe that just because society dictates we should try to move ahead with a new life I don't want one, my "old" life was absolutely fine and I will keep on living it until I join my husband. God bless you. 

Attachments:

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

Profile IconAndrea, Jillian Bartrall and Cynthia Garcia Buckles joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
1 hour ago
Jillian Bartrall updated their profile
2 hours ago
Lori is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Emily joined Megan's group
Thumbnail

Grieving Teens

This group is for anyone who lost their parents at a young age. I lost my dad to cancer a week before the start of my senior year. It's been difficult. Quite frankly it sucks. Lets join together and get through this crappy time.
Wednesday
Emily joined Jarvis's group
Thumbnail

I love my Dad.

For everyone that has lost their Dad.
Wednesday
Profile IconElizabeth Monroe, Marion Mcglashon, Bandar killa and 1 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Wednesday
Robin H left a comment for Robin H
"Hey There People, most of the comments look kinda old here... Are they?"
Tuesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Lia, losing your mom is hard enough. When you also lived with her that takes it to a whole different level because you didn't experience the natural separation that other adults do. That's sure what happened to me. I lived with my mom and…"
Monday
Profile IconCorinne C. Rico, Rita A M, Marisa L Galeoti and 1 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Monday
Louise Grady updated their profile
Monday
Lia Lynch commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Thank you everyone. My mom had refused to see doctors for seven years; she feel ill, finally went, was diagnosed with Stage IV metastasized cancer in her throat, lung, and liver, went directly to hospice, and died less than 4 weeks from the initial…"
Monday
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Hi Lia,  So sorry for your loss.  Similar to others, I can understand your pain. I wish comfort to you but I know it is not easy. Please take your time.  All people, I was travelling so could not post for long. This is to tell that I…"
Monday
Geri commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Hi Everyone, This Friday 21st September will be our 27th wedding anniversary. It is my first without my husband and I've noticed my anxiety peaking and I'm back to waking every hour. Has anyone got any advice of how to cope with all the…"
Monday
Ofir Rifo replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"Thank you Layla Richards. I was very religious before my husband died, Then after his death I started searching why we have to go thru such pains and was looking into everything. Then after reading the Bible, the Torah, the Koran and more religious…"
Monday
Linda Engberg commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"Hi Pamela, So sorry about the lost of your Husband, it has been 5 years and to be truthful things are not any better. We were very close, he was my rock, now I am nothing."
Sunday
Suzy Tatz commented on Katherine Ellis's group Losing Someone to Cancer
"I am new to this. I lost my dad June 7 2018 to lung cancer and my fiancé on Aug. 6. 2018 to colon cancer. I was caretaker to both and now I can’t stand being in my own skin. I have the panic feelings when I am alone. So I have been self…"
Sunday
Suzy Tatz joined Katherine Ellis's group
Thumbnail

Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.See More
Sunday
Layla Richards replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"That is some great advice Ofir Rifo. Also, bluebird, something that helped me a lot was reading through the thousands of stories contributed by individuals who had a near-death experience or received an after death communication from a passed loved…"
Sunday
Ofir Rifo replied to bluebird's discussion My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
"ANA BECOAH BY ovadia chamama. Miracle prayer even for those who do not believe in anything. It will act as a password and will open the universe who will answer your petition. Please bluebird just try the same way a tried and it worked. Remember you…"
Sunday
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Lia I am so sorry for your loss. Bluebell"
Sunday

© 2018   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service