next month will be three years since I lost my husband and I'm failing miserably I am in serious debt I cant fix, I stay home because I have extreme difficulty leaving my house I don't know how to move forward as people say, I cant get through a day without breaking down, I have been told its time to start living my life and I just want to scream WHAT LIFE!!!!!! I don't know what to do I'm just existing for my children and grandchildren other wise I would of gave up a long time ago and because I promised my husband I wouldn't give up it just keeps getting harder not easier time has not healed anything I'M A FAILURE

Views: 280

Replies to This Discussion

You are not a failure! You are a survivor. It's hard to continue a life that was balanced and enriched by a truly loved spouse.  Just do what helps YOU go on.

Hi

Im sorry for your loss no matter how long ago it is.

i can only imagine the pain and emotions you are still going though.

for me it was taking care of the kids and finding one thing to achieve (no matter how small) helped a lot. it was as small as make nutritious dinner today.

I would not say your failing, as mentioned before your surviving, and its not easy.

i wish the best or you .

regards monty

You had half your soul ripped out... basically. Of course you're going to struggle.

Most folks just don't get that because they are still fine. They have not been so deeply wounded and have nothing to compare your struggle to.

When I started my journey after being suddenly widowered (what a weird word), I failed at everything and my 5 year old son wouldn't eat. I couldn't open mail for months at a time (not wouldn't... big difference). Parts of me that I took for granted simply didn't work. There were days at the beginning I just sat there as waves of anguish washed over me for 14 hours straight as I stared at the wall, unable to believe that she was suddenly gone. There were nights that I couldn't sleep (she wasn't there snuggling me), then would suddenly begin violently crying until I was so exhausted I couldn't even get up to wash my face and pee (I would then pass out and have an aching bladder and yucky face in the morning). I failed at making a bean and cheese quesadilla. I failed at not burning turkey-cheese sandwiches in the toaster oven. My son would only eat those two things, so I would eat the burned/failed one, often forgetting I was hungry (failed to feed myself). I failed to reach out for help. I failed to wake up in the morning to walk my kid to school (he was too close for bus service until they made a special exception because the police found him walking to school at 4:30am in 30-degree weather).


Failure comes naturally to most folks anyway. It's even more noticeable when there's only half of us left before we start. The hard part is learning to accept that failure is inevitable and you just need to be creative enough to think your way through it.

As for the debt stuff, go find Jack McCaig's stuff at LibertyAid. He has a Youtube channel as well.

Christopher, You have had alot of good to post and i applaud your willingness to keep your focus forward. But for some of us that practical, pragmatic, positive "purpose" does not exist. And age plus length of time with our spouses can sometimes affect how strong we can be.
I always had a "can do" attitude. It made for success in many ways in my priror life with my husband. But his death brought me to my own grave and I totter on the edge constantly. And its not for lack of trying as the few people who have stayed close to me will attest to.

It is not that I wont let go of the past, it is that I cannot. Thats right. I cannot. And this from the woman who could do anything and did. I have to accept my limitations and my strengths. Prior to my husbands death I had very few limitations. The world was our oyster and NOTHING was easy to come by But we had each other. There wasnt anything that together we didnt conquer. But now, I have no desire to move into a future. I get nauseous thinking about it.

I don't have the energy now to do much more than basic living (and that I do better than most who don't suffer from grief) but mainly i don't have any reason, motivation or desire to engage in the extraneous passion it takes to live life fully.

I slept with this man for 35 years. Every night. We did little outside of our own two person world. We didnt need it. We found what we wanted in each other. I've done a lot of good in this world. In my work and the few good friends I have had who weren't superficial I had everything I might have wanted out of life. Travel, possessions. family and friends, good works, intellectual engagement, etc have been mine. But what made it all worthwhile was the sharing I had with the one person who truly got me. No matter how close or how much sharing I have done with others I no longer need to be passionate about life. That passion was a sacred trust that has no equal. And I don't need to find one. I am tired and exhausted from simply keeping pace with the basics of living. I wish for anyone else the best they can find. But I also realize I am not ashamed of being sad most of the time. It is normal.
morgan

I know all about the "I just can't."

It's not because you don't want to... you try and it's just not there, like turning on a light switch and the bulb doesn't work. You did all you could and knew how to, but it didn't work.

I had my wife the same way for 6.5 years and I would have been fine with just her on an island for the rest of our natural days. She went out suddenly. We were virgins and she showed me kindness one evening as a dear and close friend... then it suddenly escalated and we were happy about it.

I have not had the blessed experiences you have. I was a child of satanic ritual abuse, forced witchcraft, forced management of the other kids while the adults chattered about things and slept with strange men (all divorced women with kids, associated with witches)... I have always known poverty and want. I have always known neglect outside of my marriage and that is why my late wife and I connected so well. She was likewise neglected, though nowhere near as abused. We were there for each other and I need someone to be there for so badly that some days I wish I had access to nukes to just end the world. All of it. I want to make everyone's hurting stop, because I cope with my own ache by helping others and some days I can't do that. I never think about instant, painless global genocide for very long. I tend to try and troubleshoot.

Yes, this loneliness is the new normal. It should not be, but it is because folks hate the Bible so much. They like the parts that benefit them and throw out the parts where they help to heal the broken and wounded. They want pay with no work. So we are neglected and abused. It is the new normal. It should not be.

You know whats so powerful about sites like this.   It doesnt gloss over the dysfunction. The utter inhumanity.  Yet at the same time it is the most holistic approach to how we could live.  Each of us helping another. 

I cannot imagine having to live with such neglect,....such abuse and yet I know we are surrounded by it.  There have been a few here who have opened themselves up.  It makes our own problems seem so insignificant and yet none are insignificant. We struggle. Sometimes we see a victory.  I always count every little something I "can do" as a major success.  Always have.   Its just everything has gotten exponentially harder.  

I woke this morning to having to solve some issues.  Small ones at that.  And yet there I go scurrying to my cry hole.  Too much without that person who was there to buffer the winds of acknowledging life.  

I know if we were to really know each others life story(I mean really know it) we could find value in it even more than we do as e share,  but our worlds are small and focused.  I have always been very open to life.  Now I pretend to be because I don't have enough space to deal with the emotion of it.  The emotion of what the universe dishes out was balanced before by the love I had.  Now I need to rein in and only do what is absolutely necessary.  I isolate, I self select, I exclude and yet I am balls to the walls on keeping myself distracted.  If I didnt I would never have made it this far.  

I am determined to try and tie up the responsibilities I feel I have and then I will decide what I am going to do. Until then I plod along, I slog through the memories which trigger my daily meltdowns and wish for my own end.  You and others have edifferent responsibilities, i.e. another human being. A child.  A person who requires assistance.  I have a friend who I have taken in who also requires assistance.  I am doing what I can to help get this person to a place where his own mind will be strong enough to handle the daily assaults but also to find a place of beauty like I had.  In the interim I reach out for my husband to come rescue me.  I know the answer which is why my hole is preferable but I get up another day and suffer through it. 

Amazing isn't it?  Where the hell did they bury the manual for life?

Where/how did they bury the manual for life? It has a symbol:

$$$$$$

Dear Pamela, your beautiful wedding picture made me smile, thank you for that!

Your message broke my heart, I am so sorry for your loss.  My pain is still very new fresh and raw.  I feel like scratching my eyes out because I can't stop crying.  Pamela, there is no other side of grief.  I read something the other day that made so much sense.  I am also sick of people ALREADY telling me be strong and carry on, you will get PAST this.  The passage I read basically said, there is no getting past the death of your loved one, there is only absorption, adjustment and acceptance,   Grief is not something that is ever completed, it is not a tast to be completed and move on. But an element we must bear, a new element and dimension of ourselves.  I pray you find a solution to your financial situation.  The love of my life was terrible with money and left our daughter and I in the crapper (for a lack of a better word).  I am now applying for his uncollected work pension (he was not even close to retirement age) which of course is nothing short of a nightmare.  I feel for your struggle.  An income idea if your not able to leave the house much could be online Ebay sales.  While still in Canada I made a decent amount of money selling things online.  And you are not failing, your grieving, there is no hard and fast time frame for that.  God Bless.

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"This website is like a secret world we inhabit where the platitudes and scorn for not fitting in are understood as hogwash.  We know better than anyone on the outside of our grief how this has affected us.  I am so tired of being labeled…"
1 hour ago
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lovely pictures everyone.   Thank you for sharing.   I am in the same boat.  I just exist.   "
3 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I,m grateful that I found this site.  It's sort of like besides my family, you all are the only friends I have left.  I do have a couple that are long distance, but don't get to see them very often.  All my so called local…"
3 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Here's one of our permanent bed with names blocked out."
3 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Linda, We went on that same excursion off a cruise in 2003.  Here is a pic that was taken on the ship when we renewed our vows at a ceremony performed by the Captain."
3 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan & Joe, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You put into words the horror I go through everyday. Going on year 7 without my Husband Julian. He was my whole life and I want to be with him but I can't. If I didn't believe in God I…"
9 hours ago
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Joe, 49 years is a long time.  Long enough to embed yourself in each other and there is nothing that will soothe the tearing apart of that union.  I knew my husband for 55 (since 2nd grade) and we were together for 35.  Long…"
18 hours ago
joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Morgan, Monday will be a very tough day for both of us. It's one year for me which seems like one long day, and six for you, which scares the hell out of me thinking about how long do I have to be here before I go to her. It seems like one long…"
yesterday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Lets be honest. Death sucks. As I read the posts on here and I see how we struggle when we lose someone to death it boggles the mind how any of us keep moving. I keep saying to myself there is something I can do to make myself feel better and it…"
yesterday
Emma is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
yesterday
Kelly Lieberman posted a status
"Can't sleep. Typical, my daughter goes back to college in the morning and I am having a hard time with that."
yesterday
Kelly Lieberman posted photos
yesterday
mindy replied to mindy's discussion Feeling pretty well depressed
"I guess I'm doing ok I was in the middle of a family fued Christmas day night so I been keeping to myself I check out that site but don't have the money to pay for it I'm disabled"
yesterday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I agree with all of that. I didn't expect a reward. My mom was reward enough, but I am not the same person that I once was. And I thought that some kind of balance would occur. I can't explain that really. It's been defeating. As soon…"
Friday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"After my husband’s death, and now after losing my mother, I also found myself somehow imagining that, not so much that something good would happen, more that some kind of reward would come to me, something to balance off the pain and…"
Friday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Well, Brett, one day we all shall see, I have many many questions, but no one to answer them. My heart still aches everyday, I still cry, but no one understands why, they have no clue...."
Friday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There's something that has been on my mind lately and this is the best place to mention it. As much as I feared and dreaded my mom's death, I sort of felt like something good would happen, maybe not right away, but eventually. Like Karma…"
Friday
Margaret Whitehouse commented on mary snell's group hi
"I know how you feel. I lost my mom Jan 6, 2019 and it is so raw and all I do is cry. I was in the room when she passed and had been all day. My regret is I wasn't holding her hand when she took her last breath. She had dementia and I saw her 3…"
Thursday
Margaret Whitehouse joined mary snell's group
Thumbnail

hi

hi I recantly lost my mom two weeks ago I'm still missing her and I wish that i could of said good bye to her before said passed away See More
Thursday
Brenda Ann replied to mindy's discussion Feeling pretty well depressed
"Mindy, I am not a doctor but I am a student of the Bible. It seems that you are suffering from anxiety over your past. Humans including ourselves seem to filter the good things we have done and focus on the "bad". But God is the opposite.…"
Wednesday

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service