Losing Someone to Cancer

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Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.

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I feel worse 2 and a half years on, than I ever did. 11 Replies

Started by Michael Thompson. Last reply by morgan May 12.

Give yourself time to heal

Started by Felicia Evans May 8, 2018.

Still lost and broken 2 Replies

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Pamela philipp Jan 5, 2018.

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Comment by Debbie S on June 8, 2012 at 12:58pm

Anna, according to his doctors the PETscan showed no signs of cancer. That is what is making it harder for me to understand. When we were there the end of Dec they told us he would be dancing at our daughter's (my daughter from preivous marriage) wedding. That is June the 30th. I just don't understand!

 

Comment by anna l. on June 8, 2012 at 12:21am

Debbie, how long was it from when you husband had his first round with cancer to when it showed up again?  My husband had the original spot completely removed in March 2008.

 

Comment by Debbie S on June 7, 2012 at 10:52pm

Anna I'm sorry you had to go through this too. My husband had a PETscan and it came back with no signs of cancer. His main doctor called me when he found out he past away and said it sounded like he had gotten a bad infection in his chest and lungs. We were suppose to go back to the doctors the following week. Its just sad with all they have come up with cures for and shots to prevent illnesses cancer is not one of them!! I am so sorry for everyone on this site that cancer has affected but I'm so thankful I found it.

Comment by anna l. on June 7, 2012 at 10:21pm

Debbie in 2008 my husband had a spot removed from his calf.  It was melanomo and it took 2 operations to get clear margins.  They took the lymph nodes in the groin and biopsied those as well, which were clear.  Catscans came out negative so we were told they got it all and would only do blood work to keep an eye on it.  I pushed hard to have him get a Petscan but nope they wouldnt do it.  Tom had blood work done in January 2011 and it was fine but 4 months later he was in agonizing pain and dying.  It boggles my mind how his doctors let this happen.  What I did learn after he was diagnosed last year was he probably would have died within 3 years of the original cancer with or without treatment since it had spread.  The difference would have been the quality of his life during that time.  With us not knowing the cancer was spreading he was healthy and we lived our lives.  If we had known he would have had multiple surgeries to remove spot after spot after spot.  He would have endured rounds of chemo and radiation making him so sick.  I wish he could have been cured but I will live with his suffering being short rather than long.  It just friggin sucks that he got the stupid cancer in the first place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Kim Phillips on June 7, 2012 at 1:57pm

Debbie,

My best friend/soulmate had cancer and she passed 3 weeks ago

Cancer is a systemic disease.  Just because they told you they got it all doesn't mean they did.  Cancer is sneaky. It hides.   The day my she passed I tried gently rubbing her head b/c she loved that but she shook her head as if to push me away.  The hospice nurse said that she would probably pass in a day or two.  Well once we all left- I went to get her morphine liquid at the pharmacy,   her son and sister went to lay down for a bit-- she passed.  I didn't want her to pass alone and I felt so guilty but I believe now that is the way she wanted to go.  She wanted us all to leave.  This was her journey (passing) and she needed/wanted to do it alone.  It sounds like you husband was the same way.

Comment by Mary M. on June 7, 2012 at 12:52pm

Hi Jeanne, thanks for your insight.  Debbie, I am also sorry you were not there with your husband but Jeanne is right you cannot dwell on what you cannot change.  All you can do is try to go on and live as you know your husband would want you to.  This coming from somebody still struggling with my emotions and grief .. but in my heart I know this is true.  

My regret is that we cancelled plans to travel to Scotland when my husband was diagnosed, the one place he really wanted to go.  But I can't change that but maybe when I am stronger emotionally and have saved enough I will take our dream trip for him, let him see through my eyes and I know he is always with me still.  One day I do believe we will be together again and that there is a reason I am left behind right now .. but that doesn't make it any less hard.

In the meantime, I am going to try to reach out to others and live as I believe he wanted me to.  

Comment by Jeanne Potter on June 7, 2012 at 10:23am

I am so sorry that you went through it that way Debbie. I had no illusions from the moment I heard the words brain mass that the outcome would be good. They never gave us any great hope either but we had choices and for 16 months we did all we could together knowing we did not have long. We renewed our vows on 6/22/10 for our 25th anniversary and had everyone there that we knew. Exactly 6 months later I lost him. I had him at home with me at the end and I am so thankful that I could. As for what happened to you I have to say that the morning I woke up and heard Harry's breathing increased I knew it was time. I talked to him for almost 45 minutes telling him it was ok to go that I would be ok and we would meet again etc. Suddenly our motion lights went on outside and it distracted me for just a second and I turned to look. When I turned back he was gone. For the last two days of his life he could not speak and just slept. So although I was with him, I believe that he did not want me to see him go and so the distraction. Your husband may not known that while you were gone this would happen but again he may not have wanted you to see it happen. Believe me no matter how it happens it was meant to be and you truly could not change that. He knows you love him and is waiting for you. Don't waste time dwelling on the things you cannot change. I know you will but maybe down the road you can look past it. Remember the happy times even when they hurt you to think of them. When the time is right we will all be together again. Take care of yourself and try to find a group. It is really good to talk to people that have lived it. I have heard others talk about being upset that they were not with the person, but that is not what matters in the big picture. That is how I feel anyway and maybe what helps me get through it. Jeanne

Comment by Debbie S on June 7, 2012 at 9:42am

Thank you Jeanne. I have so many emotions going on. One of the things in my story that is different from what I have seen in most post is they told me they had gotten all his cancer and he would be fine. We were told on April 1, 2011 that he had head & neck cancer (tongue cancer) He had caught a cold in mid Feb and thats when I could tell a difference. On March 5th I was suppose to go out of town for a couple days but would not go. Then on the 6th he promised me he would be fine for me to go. I checked on him by text all that day and night and he assured me he was ok. Wed morning no text I could feel my heart sinking after a couple of hours of not hearing from him. I was 2 hours away from home. That seemed like it took me days to get home. I feel so guilty that I was not home with him. They the emts and doctors tell me there wouldn' t have been anything I could've done. They don't understand I SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE WITH HIM!! He was not suppose to leave me. It gets harder everyday!

Comment by Jeanne Potter on June 7, 2012 at 6:26am

Mary and Debbie, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do understand and continue to struggle with each day. Seems unless I keep myself working on some project I just feel like I am going through the motions. I did want to say though that I get notice every few months from the hospice my husband was with about their grief counsuling group. They meet once a week for eight weeks. I would contact your local hospice even if you did not have anything to do with them. I went to two different ones and it was good to talk with others that were going through similar losses. If nothing else it will get you out and with people that truely understand what you are going through. Although it won't bring back our loved ones, it can help with the coping a little better. Good luck to you both. PS my friend lost her husband suddenly in January and is still having trouble sleeping. She is going to her dr. about it. They say it can be many reasons but depression is one of the biggest. It may help if you have not gone already.

Comment by Mary M. on June 7, 2012 at 5:47am

This is yet another restless, almost sleepless night.  Its early hours of the morning and for the past hour have debating how mad my neighbours would be if I cut the grass .. just to be doing something and not feel so alone and helpless.

 

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