Losing Someone to Cancer

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Losing Someone to Cancer

This is for anyone who has lost somone to cancer. I lost my adopted Mom to breast cancer some years ago. She was everything I could have asked for. She loved me because I was just me. She also loved my family and children as if they were her own.

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I feel worse 2 and a half years on, than I ever did. 11 Replies

Started by Michael Thompson. Last reply by morgan May 12.

Give yourself time to heal

Started by Felicia Evans May 8, 2018.

Still lost and broken 2 Replies

Started by Pamela philipp. Last reply by Pamela philipp Jan 5, 2018.

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Comment by Debbie S on June 9, 2012 at 3:29pm

I reaaly feel blessed to have found this site. Like I said in my other post my heart aches for each of you but I thought I was going crazy with my emotions so all over the place.  Mark, we did know my husband had cancer. He had finished his treatment and had went back for his PETscan. It is just so heartbreaking to know everything he went through and still lost his battle. I am so sorry for what your sweet mom went through. I prayer someday they will find a way to prevent this evil cancer!

Comment by Kim Phillips on June 9, 2012 at 3:21pm

I don't feel any happiness or joy.  Last week I did something with my brother and his family that her and I would be doing (on boat fishing).  The whole time I felt guilty that I was alive and she was dead in a casket.  I cried and cried when I got home.  Any time I do anything I feel this way.  Today it has been a month and now I know why today is so damn hard on me.  I can't stop thinking about her laying in the casket.  I feel at times I want to die too but I know I can't b/c I promised her I would watch over her son.  My life is NOTHINGNESS!!   All the joy and happiness and  love is GONE.  Emptiness.  Thanks to everyone for the support. 

Comment by anna l. on June 9, 2012 at 2:59pm

Debbie I do know what you mean about feeling guilty for being happy.  Way back last fall I was laughing with my dogs when it hit me I was happy and I completely lost it.  How could I possibly be happy when my son and my husband were gone!?  I wrote about it here somewhere and it helped when others wrote back that they had that happen to them as well.  I really thought at that time I was losing my mind.  I have never been bipolar but it sure felt like that was where I was headed.  It still hurts sometimes when Im enjoying something and think about how much Tom or Karl would have loved to be there too.  Like today at my youngest grandsons soccer game.  I was cheering him on and clapping like crazy when he scored his second goal and then I was crying because his Papa would have loved to see that!  I have learned to accept that I bounce from happy to sad like that and dont worry to much about it any more. It is just another aspect of grief that I cant control but I have to deal with. 

Comment by Mark on June 9, 2012 at 2:36pm

Debbie, I caught your comments about your husbands PETscan and how surprised you were that it never showed.  I can relate.  My mother became ill at the end of Jan 2011.  Initially we were told because her bloodsugar leval was so high she had mysteriously become diabetic.  I won't go into how inprobable it was but we went with what they said and started insulin shots.  She got worse.  At the end of Feb 2011 she was back in the hospital unable to keep anything down.  This time I had them run every test out there.  The first response back was, "NO CANCER" the conclusion was gastroparesis which occurs with some diabetics causing the nausea.  We went with that.  From Feb to July of 2011 I was taking my mother to see her Dr. every 2 weeks.  On July 15th at my request I asked for one last MRI because none of this strange vomitting was making sense given all the meds and the fact she just wasn't getting better.  Out of nowhere they found a blocked bile duct. She was rushed to another facility and we heard the words pancreatic cancer.  All those months. All the testing and it took that long.  She was rushed to San Francisco for what is called a Whipple.  A major redisection removing the cancer which was located on the head of the pancreas.  When they opened her up it has spread to the base of the Aortic Valve on a blood vessel.  There was nothing more they could do.  Chemo and Radiation could "maybe" shrink but not kill this type of cancer.  It would be considered palliative or prolonging the inevitable.  So I took her home.  On Dec 14th 2011 my precious sweet little mother died in my arms.  I am still stunned at what took place.  I'll always wonder if way back in Feb 11 had it been found if we could have gotten it all before it spread.  I despise the word cancer.  Specifically pancreatic cancer.  There is little to do in the way of fighting that type of cancer once it sreads.

Comment by Debbie S on June 9, 2012 at 11:07am

Sitting here reading the new post and it makes my heart ache for each of us. I too feel like my pain is worse now at the three month point. I dread Weds so bad because thats the day he past. To make matters worse his birthday would have been June 13th of course thats Wed. I've been trying to think of things to do to help me that day but I have to make myself leave the house. Then when I do I end up just turning around and come back home. The loneliness is bad but I still find myself wanting to be alone. Do any of you feel guilty if by chance you find yourself happy if just for a minute? I know he wanted be to be happy. Before he had his surgery he wrote a journal to me. I was only to read it if he didn't make it through surgery. He did so we put it up until....... I read it over and over but its still so hard.

 

How do I go on when the love of my life is gone?

Comment by Karen Waldrop on June 9, 2012 at 9:12am

Good morning ladies, I was reading your comments and I can relate to what you are saying all too well. I have felt and continue to feel all of what you have expressed. I have just passed the 5 month mark of the loss of my husband and continue to feel the emptiness and loneliness that you mention. I agree that reading therapeutic books and journaling is VERY helpful. Each of these things has helped me tremendously. I also go on walks. It is on these walks that I talk to my husband, God and myself. Often times, I end up crying. I probably look like a fool walking down the street, but I don't care! It is also a time for me to think about what I want for my future and present myself with positive affirmations. 

I also understand the overwhelming loneliness. Sometimes it seems much easier to stay home where it is safe. Even when I am surrounded by friends, I feel out of place and awkward. But I know that I cannot allow myself to hide in my house for the rest of my life. I know that my life is changing and some of that includes changing the way I move in social circles, as much as that hurts. It doesn't mean leaving everyone behind, just adding to what I have. I think you must force yourself to interact.

As far as losing faith, it is easy to want to do that. Please understand, I am not an extremely religious person but I do have some fundamental beliefs. When we have tragedy in our lives, we want to blame someone or something. However, I do believe that God does not give us more than we can handle. I know it sounds strange and cliche' but I believe it. I, as well as my husband and family also prayed for cure, and finally for at least more time, but it was not to be. In the end, I did not wand him to go on living the way he was living. I believe that the answers we seek from God do not come to us immediately. We will not understand why the things that have happened in our lives or to our loved ones have happened right away. Answers will come to us in small life lessons. We may not even realize that they are there, we must be open to them and learn. Most importantly, we must teach these lessons to others. Although it is painful, there is reason for everything and there is great reward for us if we choose to accept the challenge.

Comment by Mary M. on June 9, 2012 at 9:08am

When I used to teach Sunday School, I remember a lesson about prayer.   Basics were that God does answer prayer but not always in the way we want.  Sometimes we do get what we pray for and sometimes God says No or Not at this time.  If we prayed and always got what we asked for we would have nothing to strive towards.  Think of it as if your child was asking you for something, if you always said yes, what would you be teaching your child?  Only God can see the future and knows what is coming ahead, so when he says No or Not at this Time, it's because of this knowledge that we cannot comprehend.  Don't give up on your faith or God, he is that intangible that can help you through this time and give comfort that you think right now will never come.   Think of your friend's son, in order for him to work through his loss and grief he needs to know and see you working through yours.  Always the spirit of your loved one will be with and around you, I truly believe this.  My sister-in-law calls these spirits angels and she tells me that they are all around us .. if we listen and are still we can hear and feel them.   Will continue to pray for you.

Comment by Kim Phillips on June 9, 2012 at 8:48am

Mary it makes a lot of sense.  I too have been journeling.  I write pages and pages every day.  I am angry at her for leaving me too and so angry at GOD.  Actually I am questioning whether there really is a GOD.  In many places in the new testament Jesus says "ask and you shall recieve....."  I asked and asked Jesus to heal her.  I had great faith and hope but NOTHING.  I am losing  my faith.  I wanted to die too and be with her and at times still do but I made her a promise that I would watch over her son.   I walk through the day like a zombie just trying to keep my self busy.  We did everything together and I really don't have many people in my life to do things with and those that I do have their own life and things to do.  I am very lonely and empty inside.  I lost my other half.  I don't know who I am.   Thank you for your prayers and hugs.  

Comment by Mary M. on June 9, 2012 at 8:14am

Kim, for the first two months I was pretty much like you are now.  Not sure what changed exactly, I started reading books on dealing with grief, continue to write a journal to my husband of what's going on in my life, how much I miss him, etc.  The first few weeks were angry entries, I was angry at God, angry at my husband for leaving me alone, angry at the world in general because life was going on and I didn't want to.   But this has helped me to the acceptance stage of grief, I am not sure which stage this is .. but apparently there are 7 stages of grief and I don't think we ever totally stop grieving, but somehow life has a way of moving us forward anyway.  Hugs to you .. sending prayers that you will feel the comfort of knowing that she is in a better place, free of pain and will be there when your time comes waiting for you.  (Sorry I am not good at expressing my thoughts into words .. but hopefully this makes sense.)

Comment by Kim Phillips on June 9, 2012 at 8:00am

Last night I woke up at 4am and the pain of losing her was so great.  I curled up in a ball with her picture and cried and yelled at GOD for an hour.  I pain just gets worse as time goes by

 

 

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Loss of a loved one to alcohol, substance abuse or suicide

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