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Comment by Judy Kemp on March 7, 2011 at 11:15pm

Hi Stan

I wanted to let you know that my mother is doing better she knows that she didnt cause dad to be sick but with my anut and uncle making her life so hard she lost her way i talked to the drs. today and she will be going to therapy starting 3 days a week she wanted me to tell you thank you for all the help you have given her and me.. i told the hospital about not letting in my anut and uncle and i glad i did as they tried to get in to see her again but they stopped them so thats good.

It hurts to see mom like this she has always been the rock in the family to see her now she is just a empty shell iam praying that she will get back to herself soon the drs are saying that they can help  her if she wants to help herself... again thank you for all your help ..... PS i checked out the other web site you talked about open to hope and let her know about it also she said that she would look into it again thank you for all your help.  Nicole

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on March 7, 2011 at 10:09pm

Dear Guy -

What you are experiencing is completely normal.  You life did fall apart - when you lost your wife.  So it's hard somedays to focus or concentrate, and you probably have few resources left to give to your father.  It's difficult to take care of someone else when all you can do is put one foot in front of the other.  My husband died in November; his elderly father died two weeks later, but in the interim, I also found myself worrying about taking care of him and myself, too.  There are days when I simply cannot concentrate or focus on anything.  I found an independent financial planner who has been a life saver; my husband took care of our finances and our investments, and I really needed someone to guide me now - I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you have anyone close to you who you trust maybe they can help. I had offers of help for everything from organizing my papers and things to investment strategies.  It's very hard to keep working when you've lost your partner; part of grief is that we have trouble with the focus of typical daily things.  I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and from the beginning when my husband was diagnosed with rectal cancer and I stopped working to take care of him, I find myself completely unable to focus on anything clinical.  I read novels, but there are still many, many times I reread the same page over and over because my brain just can't take it in.  

I have found that my therapist is my greatest support, even though I have family and friends who have been wonderful and are still willing to listen to me rant and sob and rave, my therapist is the one person I don't have to be concerned about upsetting, or trying to keep my own feelings in check; I can totally let everything hang out and just go see her each week and do whatever I need to do - vent, cry, complain, even sometimes talk about something positive.  Maybe you can find a good support group, or a good therapist.  Most therapists are acquainted with grief and the process - it should be part of their education. But if you find one who is telling you how or what you "should" feel or do, move on and find another.  We each grieve in our own way, and often we need to have permission and the time and space to do so.  I started leaving a journal on my husband's pillow; I can write in it whenever I need to - which is usually when I wake up in the middle of the night.  

This is a process; we struggle with it, as does everyone. I always knew I'd outlive my husband (he had Crohn's Disease - IBD - in addition to the cancer that took his life...) but I really didn't think it would happen this soon; he was only 57.  I have my daughter's to think of, also; they are both on their own now, but we talk a lot and the fact is, that a child needs their mom; I can't "need" them i the same way, even tho my younger daughter has given me permission to share with her, to cry to her, to vent to her - I don't want to add my own grief to hers.  

I'm sorry; I seem to be rambling.  Hang in there.  You are not alone.  

Comment by michael sandoval on March 7, 2011 at 9:50pm

Dear Guy, it's been a year and a half for me and i am still struggling everyday to live in a world without my Denise.

Comment by Guy Tidwell on March 7, 2011 at 9:43pm

It's now been a little over two months since I lost my wife to hodgkin's disease. I feel like my life is falling apart and I don't know what to do about it. My work isn't going well, my father is sick and is needing my support and I have little to give, and I'm trying but failing to manage basic finances. Does this stress ever end? I have never felt so hopeless in my life.

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 6, 2011 at 7:33pm

Hi Nicloe,

Please call me Stan. I know what a difficult and painful time this is for both you and your mother. I think your decision to exclude your aunt and uncle from your mother's life, at this time, is very appropriate. And I know how concerned you are with what will happen when you go back to school. There are no guarantees. As much as we would like to influence the lives of our loved ones, there are limitations.

 

The On line Grief Support-A Social Community is a very good blog for seeing that one's pain is not unique. However, I don't think it's an appropriate site for guidance. When I looked at your mother's past posts almost in every one she seems to be asking for advise. Unfortunately, most responses were ones that emphasized the sharing of pain. I don't think the people who responded didn't care. Rather, they might be trying to find a way to reduce their own grief and haven't been successful enough to advise others. I think your mother was looking for answers, rather than just compassion and sharing. And possibly when the answers didn't come, she may have felt that there were no answers and she would always feel an overwhelming pain. In my post to her, I emphasized that it might be more productive to look elsewhere for answers.

 

My suggestion is that for answers other resources might be consulted. One online favorite of mine is opentohope.com. Open to Hope has both "sharing" posts and ones posted by professionals who deal with grief. I write articles on end of life issues for them and also on my own website stangoldbergwriter.com. Neither Open to Hope nor I sell anything or offer services.

 

I do think that individual in-person counseling would be appropriate for your mother. Not the dispensing of pills (one thing she didn't think was effective in a past post) but rather an exploration of her grief and more importantly, what she can do to reduce it. You might want to contact a local mental health agency or hospice. My preference would be a hospice since they constantly deal with grief and if they don't have counselors available, they'll have a list of preferred ones. I hope this helps and give my best to your mother.

Take Care,

Stan

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on March 6, 2011 at 6:20pm

my brother is not dead a year yet and his wife is already getting remarried. i am tormented by this. how do you just stop grieving and move on.than i read the comments that some of you have left and you can't imagine living without your loved one. so i feel like i should be ok with this, it is better than her going the other way and never having love again. she has 2 young kids and they have a right to happiness and laughter in their lives. the guy she's marrying sounds like a great guy but so was my brother.every breath my brother took was for his family.i feel like my brain that understands and my brain that grieves are coming together today, giving me peace. i miss my brother every day but it is my job to keep his kids in my life and if that means finding this place of acceptance, that is where I HAVE TO BE. i know that this feeling won't last and i will be hating her for moving on but for this moment i want love in my life, not hate.there is life after death

Comment by Judy Kemp on March 6, 2011 at 5:52pm

Dr Goldberg

Thank you for your help with my mother i didnt know how bad things were for her till today,she is always going out of her way for others i just have a hard time thinking of what my aunt and uncle have put her through how can anyone do that to another person? I called them today and told them there not to go to the hospital to see her and that they arent to go anywhere near her for now i didnt realize how bad things were getting here that they were blaming her and making her life a living hell....she is doing better there keeping her in the hospital for at least a week becasue she took all those pills i scared of what will happen when i go back to school but i am working on having her friends checking in on her but wanted to say thanks to you for taking the time to talk with her i am not sure if she even seen the post but i told her about it. she asked that i tell you all that she sorry that she tried to take the easy way out ? I just thank god that o came home when i did. Thank you

Comment by Judy Kemp on March 6, 2011 at 10:54am

My name is Nicloe and i came home today to suprise my mom and found her laying on the couch with empty pill bottles all over the place she is now in the hospital and has had her stomach pumped she will get better and has a limited amount of people that are allow to see her at this time. If she hadnt left the computer running i would never had know how much she still was hurting or about my anut and uncle making her feel like this... she is going to be okay but has a long road ahead of her.. Thanks to all who care about her ....well iam going back to the hospital now thank you again for all you done

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 6, 2011 at 7:37am

Judy,

What I hear you saying is that your death is the only solution to the pain you are feeling. And in your mind, that may be the only alternative, but my experience says it's not.

 

What I've found is that people who are grieving often blame themselves for failure to relieve it. Family and friends say "It's enough time." Therapists will encourage you to try hider. With each new assault on their soul, they believe two things, they're responsible for the continuation of their grief and it will never go away. My experiences says neither is true.

 

We grieve because we have loved. The greater the love, the more the grief  I think that's the price we pay for living fully. I life without grief would be a poor one, indeed. And the length of the grief? I think the continuation of it may have more to do with not knowing how to end it than anything inherent within it. Grief is a part of life, it comes and goes.

 

I'm not asking you not to commit suicide--it may already be to late--rather I'm asking you to consider if your decision is based on the impossibility of getting over grief or just not knowing yet, how to do it.

 

Stan

Comment by Judy Kemp on March 6, 2011 at 4:52am

Rachel thank you for caring but i dont think i can do this anymore so tried of the pain and dealing with his family dosent help either... belive it or not was told that iam the reason my Brian died not the cancer ...i dont know anymore maybe there right just can do this anymore .....the pain and hurt gets to be to much and i can only live like this for so long  i love my family Brian and the kids were my life the kids are away at school and hes gone and iam so tried of hurting ... going to lay down now getting so sleepy

thank you again for be so caring i pray for you all but i cannt do this anymore...

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