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Comment by Judy Kemp on March 23, 2011 at 12:13am

Well its been a while iam in therapy now and its helping to be able to talk to my dr she also has me going to a group therapy once a week its been hard but iam feeling more in control of myself now. I cannt belive i put my kids thru all that iam so sorry that they had to deal with his family but they have become my watchdogs always making sure iam doing ok that i take my meds and that Brian's sister stays away from me so i can deal with the mess my life has become. I dont know how i would have made it thru all of this without them. I still think of Brian but not crying as much as i used to. Learning to take each day one at a time and that i cannt take on so much. I can only deal with what the day has to offer an no more. That was a hard lesson for me to learn. The other thing i have to trust is that theres people who can help me if i let them i dont have to do this by myself. I've tried to be strong for everyone and some how losted myself in it all. My dr tells me to keep a book to write in when ever iam feeling depress its funny how much a person can write when there hurting so bad Friday i was told that we would be tring something new in therapy they want to bring the whole family together his and mine not sure how thats going to work or if his sister will even come but its been so nice to be able to do things with out having to deal with them i kinda of nervous about going there Friday but my kids have already told me that she promise to be on her best behavior... i never known her to behave at any time to be truefull i put up with them for Brian. But i will try to get thru this not just for my kids but for myself i wouldnt put my kids thru this again. Iam learning to live my life without Brian but that dont mean that i didnt love him because i did and still do love him but i know he would want me to be here with the kids to make a life for myself and i am tring so hard to do that sometimes its just so hard. I hope all of you are doing well and thank you again for all that you have done for my family when i wasnt able to be strong for them.

Comment by Paige Lovelace on March 16, 2011 at 7:14pm

My mom died of Ovarian cancer it will be 11 years on June 28th. I hate the disease that killed my mother with a passion. No on woman should have to go through with what my mom didi.

Comment by michael sandoval on March 16, 2011 at 6:53pm

Dear Judy, I hope you and your family are doing better. There are many times when I also feel like this is too much for me. I haven't written a while or done much of anything. I can't find joy or happiness in anything. I have crying episodes at least five to ten tomes a day. My dr just put me back on some meds to help control the crying. I struggle everyday after a year and a half. I believe our loved ones want us to get better, heal and find joy in life again, although for me, I know I have a long way to go.

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 13, 2011 at 11:07pm

Dear Judy,

You're very welcome.

 

Take Care,

Stan

Comment by Mary Elizabeth Webb on March 13, 2011 at 10:57am

Dear Judy,
I agree with Cynthia 100%.. Your family needs you more than ever. Even though they are grown you very much needed, even though it may not be spoken they give you reason and purpose. Take one day at a time. Heal your heart and please know that there are people who care about you and are praying for you to find a balance between grief and life. God Bless and take care.
Mary

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on March 12, 2011 at 11:58pm

Dear Judy - We didn't do anything you probably wouldn't have done yourself if you'd been able to.  Just take you time for yourself, getting back on your feet.  You will - eventually.  My daughter wrote me a card back in January when I'd been having a particularly difficult time; she told me how strong I'd been, how incredibly brave she thought I was and that she understood my pain, and that I can always talk to her - because she talks to me.  But then she said "maybe I can be your purpose for right now...." and somehow, her pointing out that my children, although grown, still need me, and they do give me a purpose helped.  You children will always need you - in a good way.  Take care

Cynthia

Comment by Judy Kemp on March 12, 2011 at 6:51pm

I want to thank Stan and Cynthia for bring there for my daughter when i wasnt able to be. It means a lot to me that your kindness help my childern through this iam sorry that i put them thru all this myself but iam getting better somewhat its been helping talking to the dr and going to group meetings to. Its good to be home. I love my kids more than life itself ive been blaming myself for my husband's death beliving what others have been telling me but i know better now it still hurts and will take more time before i get back on my feet, but i will. Again thank you so much for being there for my family when i couldnt. Judy

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on March 8, 2011 at 2:25pm

You're welcome, Nicole.  Your mom, while she won't be aware of maybe right now, really is lucky to have you and your brother.  A lot of grown "children" abandon their parent in times like this, when what is really needed is for the family to put aside their differences and come together.  I'm glad you are close enough to home to drive there.  Think about what your dad would have wanted for you and your brother, too.  I'm sure he would want you to be there for your mom, and for each other, but since you are away at school, I'm guessing he also wanted you to have your independence and growth opportunities.  You can still do that.  I'm really glad your mom will be seeing her therapist 3 times a week.  That should help her to cope with this.  

Take care

Cynthia

Comment by Judy Kemp on March 8, 2011 at 10:46am

Thank you Cynthia . Iam 23 yrs old and i live close by mom iam about 3hrs away and if i had known what they were doing to her i would have stopped it a long time ago. My dad would have been so mad at them for this. I told them how ashamed of them he would be and now they act like it was my mom making things worse for herself but i dont buy that at all. I leave to go back to school but my brother is commng in to vist her and make sure all is ok again thank you all for everything. I know my mom is still has a long way to go but now she knows that were here for her and she dosent have to do it all by herslef now she will be comming home on Saturday and will start therapy on Monday Wednesday and Friday 3 times a week for now. The drs say all we can do is show her that is she loved and cared for and be there to help her get back to being normal or somewhat normal my mom was so differnet when dad was alive she lost herself but were going to help her find her way back we love her so much i couldnt even think of losing her too. Again thank you all. Nicloe

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on March 8, 2011 at 10:22am

Dear Nicole -

I don't know if you will see this or not, but I have to write to just offer my support. You sound like a wonderful, loving daughter for your mom.  You don't say how old you are, but you certainly seem to have been able to take over for your mom on this, and standing up for her by keeping your aunt and uncle away from her is a very heroic act; a lot of people wouldn't have the strength to do that.  I just want to tell you to hang in there.  Your mom lost her husband; you lost your dad (I am assuming it was your dad...) so you have your own grief to deal with, too.  My husband died in November and my daughters are 30 and 27; my 27 year old is planning a wedding and having a difficult time when she realizes her dad won't be there to walk her down the aisle.  She is in graduate school across the country from where I live and we stay in touch by phone and Facebook and email.  You don't need any additional burdens, but if you mom knows how much you love her and still need her in your life, it might help her.  I don't know your family of course, and I don't know the dynamics; but when my younger daughter sent me a card back in January, just telling me that I'm allowed to have bad days, and I don't have to "be strong" for everyone else; she suggested that we will get through this together and I felt less alone.  I'm the "mom" after all; I'm supposed to stay strong for my kids (even if they are grown up) but just getting that little bit of permission from my daughter touched me deeply and reminded me that they will always need me, no matter how old they get and where they go in life.  Maybe it would help your mom to know that you will get through all this together, too, even if you aren't physically close - you can still be emotionally close. I'm sorry - these are just my ramblings and attempt at giving you some kind of help to deal with this. Good luck.  Cynthia

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