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Comment by Cynthia Horacek on April 8, 2011 at 11:49pm

Dear Judy -

Don't even worry about "moving on" right now; just do the best you can day by day, or minute by minute or whatever works for you right now.  Baby steps. I realized the other day that next week will be five months since I lost my Don and it still hurts more than I can say.  Yesterday I had a major meltdown and it's been a while since that's happened; I just felt very overwhelmed with trying to take care of everything that he dealt with, and there was no joy in anything, and it all seemed so pointless.  My sister in law (my brother's wife) happened to call while I was falling apart, and it did help to have her to talk to.  Today she said she just felt compelled to call at that particular moment; didn't know why then.  

Anyway, my point is, it will get easier bit by bit, but no one can say when or how; it's different for all of us.  And there will be those days that it just hurts more than anyone can imagine; and of course, I'm speaking for myself; I can't speak for anyone else.

My daughter is getting married Sept. 3, and I will definitely be here for that; and I have new grand child coming from my other daughter in June, and I'm looking forward to meeting him, but there is something missing from both events - my husband.  We all miss him; and we all want him here for these events, and for the daily stuff, too.  But he's not here, even tho I do think of him as being with me in my heart. 

I'm glad to hear you are going to therapy and that you are expressing your feelings, even it mean hitting the wall!  You do whatever you need to do to feel better!  

Take care.  

Cynthia

Comment by Judy Kemp on April 8, 2011 at 9:34pm

I havent beent on here in a while now. Its been hard going to therapy so much and having to deal with his family makes me so mad and hurt so much because of them. I finaly feel better about shuting some of his famliy out of my life. I know that he would have not but up with them for this at all. Today was a real eye opener for me at the drs office made me see that his sister is a cold hearted bitch and i dont like using that word a lot but i dont know how else to say it. According to her iam the cause of all that is wrong in her family and if she could fix it i wouldnt get my kids either god i cannt belive her at times she couldnt even come see my husband her brother while he was alive.... so mad i hit the wall in the drs office wishing it was her. Afterwards the dr agree that it may be for the best not to have anything to do with her for now.. i belived i had told her this already but what do i know. As you can tell today was not a great day. It dosent help that this was our week for going away with out the kids to be together always at the beinging of spring before easter we would get grandma and grandpa to watch the kids even if we stayed in town it didnt matter really this was our time for each other to so whatever we want god i miss him so much. I still get depressed a lot but the therapy and meds seem to help and my kids keep checking on me to make sure i doing okay. I want for them to be happy and not have to worry about me and iam working on dealing with Brian's death its just so hard sometimes. I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel whole again the dr tells me that I will in time iam just not so sure sometimes i feel like it would be so easy to just quit but i know i will never put my kids thur that again. Theres days that i go with out even getting up because it hurts to much to think of getting on with my life. Then theres other times when i can think of Brian and not cry but laugh i still miss him but i know he would have wanted me to move on i just cannt seem to do that right now

 

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on March 29, 2011 at 4:52pm

I'm on the eve of my one year. To think one year ago I was begging my brother,Richie to let go and move on to a place of no pain.His wife(and her new fiance)and kids came to visit this last weekend. I can deal with my pain but how do you save a 8 year old boy who misses his father.His daughter deals much better but my nephew is hurting, which makes me hurt.I'm angry and glad that his wife has the strength to move on(quite quickly)but we hurt. Does that even make sense. I have shed tears for the last 364 days. If you all knew what a good soul my brother was. His life was his wife and kids. I believe his wife is choosing to not deal with pain by moving on and sometimes, it feels to us, his family, that she wants to forget him and have his kids forget, but the only thing I know to be true is that his son misses him. I tried to tell my nephew that his new stepdad seems like a nice guy and I think my brother would approve. I wanted to give him permission to be happy, yet deep inside I am tearing apart. My sister in law only knows this guy for 4 months. Who knows what he is really like. Sometimes I think that this is not the place for me because you all are hurting so much. I come on this site from time to time and today I read Mary Elizabeth Webb's comments, and I wanted to let you know Mary that you really helped and touched me. My brother was all about making the most of life. He had a small house(that I am now living in) and not a lot of money but yet he was so happy with what he had. He didn't let life opportunites pass him by. He jumped all over any chance to go and be happy.Sometimes I thought he was crazy not thinking about the future but he got it. Life is today, this moment. Tomorrow is not promised to us.I always like this line from John lennon,,,,,,,"Life is what happens to us while were busy making other plans." I truly believe that our loved one would want to be missed and remembered, but they would also want us to live.Even laugh. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I know this is a good outlet. I come and type it . Once its out I can shelve it for awhile. The only thing with loss is these feelings come and go. Anyway, tomorrow is one year and I plan to go to work and pick my kid up after work and the next day it will be one year and one day. It will never go away

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on March 25, 2011 at 8:33pm

I want to thank everyone for your replies.  I have what I call "meltdowns" when I just cry and sob and walk around the house talking to him and yes, being angry, too; mostly the anger has passed but I still have the "why did you leave me ?" When he was dying I sat with him and gave him permission to go; I had worked for hospice when I was a therapy intern, and I know that sometimes people hold on until someone tells them it's okay to let go and move on, and I truly believe he needed to have permission - he needed to know we'd be okay with him gone.  Even if I didn't really feel that - because what I really wanted to say was "please don't leave me" - I did tell him repeatedly it was okay to go.  Our younger daughter is getting married in September, and she and I are both dealing with the awareness that he won't be here to walk her down the aisle; but that the way it is; he will be there in our hearts.  What bothers me a lot is that her fiance smokes, and I don't want her to ever have to go through this because he didn't quit and died from lung cancer; she said he's very aware of it and more so since he was here with her when her dad died.  He promised to quit before they have their first child, which they plan to do in about a year after the wedding.  But anyway... I want to tell you all that I am feeling better; as it turned out, my daughter (she's in NY; I'm in California) called pretty much as I was ending my meltdown and at least I was able to have a conversation with her.  She had therapy today and felt much better; she sees it as a place she can really let go of her grief and work through it; I am also in therapy and my therapist is great, also.  I do believe my Don is around me in some way; I had some signs in the early days of losing him, but lately only in my dreams.  I wake up at night and just feel him with me.  Crying a good, healthy release.  I just wish he was hear to hold me when I cry!  so I try to imagine he is.  

thank you all again, so much, for providing the space to let this all out.

Comment by Mary Elizabeth Webb on March 25, 2011 at 7:07pm

Cynthia, I lost mother to cancer, my father to cancer and my only brother to cancer. They were all young when they died, one thing I try to put my hope in ... Is I want to live on for them and be and do everything they never got to do. They suffered and I want to honor them by living a fulfilling life. Our loved ones never leave us. We always remain connected.

Comment by michael sandoval on March 25, 2011 at 7:04pm

Dear Cynthia,
I want to have an answer for you, but I am still trying, after a year and a half, how to go on without my Denise. I cry all the time, sometimes very hard. I just finished crying and I cried on the way home from work. I cried a couple of times at work also.
I am in therapy and I like it. I can honestly say that it is the only thing I look forward to. I can talk about Denise, cry, express myself and I don't feel ashamed, uncomfortable, or anything other than compassion and understanding. I talk about whatever I feel like talking about. And my dr is wonderful. She is currently helping me with the "flashbacks" I have, and the trauma I experienced. At least this is how she explains it. She has helped, although the treatment is emotional it is a release and it somehow helps.

Comment by Mary Elizabeth Webb on March 25, 2011 at 6:29pm

Dear Cynthia, I am sorry to hear of your pain. Believe me my heart feels your pain. It's so hard to find that balance between grief and living and moving on. I wish I could tell you everything will be fine, but losing a loved one is such a process, but you can get through it. You need to talk and deal with the emptiness and rely on your family for support. Your Dan would want you to live a happy life. He would want you to remember him always but learn to live again. I am praying for you... I care! I want to help you any way I can. Don't give up. You have to believe that your life matters. Take care .

Comment by Judy Kemp on March 25, 2011 at 6:25pm

Dear Cynthia Trust me i know how hard it is to go on. My doctor told me just take one day at a time and remenber the good times you had together. And its so hard to do. Ive been writing letters to my Brian i know he will not see them but it helps me to be able to write down how i feeling to tell him whats beening going on i know this sounds strange but it did help me feel a little peace at times and its ok to cry you dont have to be strong all the time. Dont be like me I had to learn this the hard way trust me if I had just tried not to be so strong maybe I wouldnt have ended up where iam now. You need to have so sort of outlet for yourself maybe this will help you with that writing down how your feeling the good and bad dose help and no one has to see them if you dont want them to. I keep mine in an wood box of Brian's in my bedroom that way i can go thru them when i am ready. Please let me know if I can do anything for you at all and know that I will be there for you so you will never be alone.. Please if you need anything just let me know 

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on March 25, 2011 at 5:52pm

After all of my comments about strength and keeping going, can someone please tell me how I keep living without my Don?  I am in so much pain right now and I can't stop crying and I feel so alone.  I just don't know what to do.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on March 23, 2011 at 10:49am

Dear Judy - Congratulations on the strength you have found to keep going.  I know how hard it is; it's been 4  1/2/ months since I lost my Don and it is going to hurt for a long time; I know that, but then I have to think about what he would have wanted for me and somehow it helps me keep going.  I'm so gald you have found a good therapist; my therapist is wonderful and if I need to cancel an appointment for some reason, we do a phone session - a lot of therapists don't like to do phone sessions, but when I really need to talk, she is there for me.  I am also lucky because I still have my mom around - she is 86 and takes care of my dad who is 95, but she listens to me when I'm having a bad day and doesn't try to fix it or offer platitudes; she just listens and validates my feelings.  I personally think it's good that your family is keeping your sister in law away from you; it sounds like she is what we call toxic to you; she is nothing but negative energy and that is the last thing you need.  If you don't feel ready to have a family session with your inlaws, tell you therapist NO!  Remember, this is for you - you don't have to do anything you are not ready for.  And as you said, one day at a time; baby steps.  One foot in front of the other.  My husband also had a chronic disease before he had cancer; we had several episodes where I wasn't sure he'd make it; a few years ago my brother was very ill and in ICU; my sister in law asked me "How do you do it?  How do you get through this?"  and I said I don't know; I just put one foot in front of the other and trust that it will be okay.  My brother recovered.  My husband didn't.  I believe you when you say you loved your Brian and yes, you do need to learn to live your life without him, as painful as that may be. I believe my husband's spirit is always with me; he is always in my heart.  He was creameated and we've been spreading his ashes all over the world - when someone from out of state comes to visit, like his brother, I ask them to take some ashes to spread wherever they go.  He's (my husband's ashes) has even gotten as far as Denmark, thanks to my daughter.  I just got back to Calilfornia from visiting her and her fiancee in NYC, and we took some of his ashes to a beautiful park a few blocks from her apartment and spread his ashes in the lake in several different spots.  It actually felt good; it felt like a release to let go of some of him.  I know he'll be there, close to my daughter in a way. 

I'm sorry to ramble on like this.  I think from what you write you are doing great; keep it up.  You have a wonderful support group here, and you can always write online in a place people have been where you are, and understand.  Hang in there - it sounds like your children are really great people, and love you.  They are there for you, and they need you too. 

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