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Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on July 4, 2011 at 9:54am

Arielle- I know..my sister inlaw just wants the kids to forget their daddy. She meet someone 6 months after Richie died. That guy didn't work out and there was someone else 2 weeks later. She is now getting married to this guy in Sept. Right now she lets us see the kids if we make the effort. i just spent 16 hrs in the car, got a motel room and spent a small fortune, she wouldn't even let the kids come back to the motel(which had a nice swimming pool). I finally got my neice and nephew driving home from breakfast..so I had about 7 minutes to let them know that we will never forget their father. That even though their new step dad to be does seem like a nice guy and its ok to like him, he will never be their daddy. My nephew needed to hear it so bad because their mother just dusts off her pants and keeps moving on.We asked if we can have the kids for a week in the summer and she said no. So I told my nephew in 10 yrs when he could drive, we are going to buy him a car so he can come whenever he wants. She can try all she wants my nephew is NOT forgetting his dad and that is all that matters to us. Arielle, your brothers kids are going to get older, I know they miss their dad and your family..just know that is the truth..make every effort you can to see them, even if its through a fence at a playground. they probably need all of you. Worst of all for me, after Richie died the horseman racing association(which richie was a part of) raised almost 90 thousand for Richie's kids..Well all I can say is my sister in law is living large with their money..huge wedding, expensive wedding rings, cruise for her honeymoon, laser eye surgery. new caravan,trip to disney for her new man(he has 2 kids), and an alaskan cruise. That is not her money to spend, but we can't do a damn thing about it. I do plan to tell the kids when their older and planning for college how their mother spent all their money. She has to live with herself, and I know my brother would be extremely disappointed with her. I'm bitter, can you tell. On the other hand, seeing those kids heels my heart( for a little while). until I can see them again, I will remain on this natural high of seeing them and knowing how bad they wanted me to take them back to new york. She can't stop that no matter how many times she tells us no. Love to you all...10 steps forward, 12 back..we will all get there someday.

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on July 1, 2011 at 11:47pm

Dee, I am sorry for your loss, as I lost my mom to cancer in December of last year....she didnt suffer too long, but any amount of time was too much....i know how you feel....

Comment by Arielle on July 1, 2011 at 10:45pm

Barbara I really know how you feel. My brother's sons are 8 and 5. He was their primary caretaker. He devoted his life to them and was the best, most loving dad you could imagine. His wife was always a cold, miserable person and now that my brother is gone we hardly get to see the boys even tho they live relatively close. It is unbearable to imagine their lives going on without my brother. I try not to think too much about what they think and feel because it just makes me insane. I think they are still in disbelief. Which in a way is probably the best way for them to just get through each day right now.
I too have been torturing myself, remembering the look of anguish on my brother's face when the boys were finally allowed in the hospital. He couldn't hold them, or touch them, or speak to them. But I could feel everything he was feeling just by the look on his face. Because he knew it would be the last time he would see them. And he passed away the next night. The image of his anguished, heartbroken face torments me sometimes no matter how much I try to block it out.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on June 30, 2011 at 4:15pm

I've been having a few difficult days.  My daughter was visiting for 2 weeks from NYC (I'm in California) and it was so nice to have her around.  She was here to take care of last minute stuff for her wedding in Sept, which will also be here, thankfully!  But even tho my husband died 7 months ago, I find my brain keeps on rethinking the last hours of his life and I keep seeing him that day.  I replay the times in the hospital the last year, and everything else negative.  He was such a wonderful man, he was my soul mate and I know he'll always be in my heart.  I can't see myself with anyone else, ever.  But I'm sooooo very lonely.  It's so quiet here.  I had to give up my dog last month and it broke my heart, but I know it was the right thing to do; I couldn't take care of him anymore as he, too, was sick.  So I surrendered him to the vet; I didn't have him euthanized, because it wasn't that bad.  I just wanted him to find a good home and I couldn't find him one.  But my issue right now is the quiet in the house, and just feeling so very alone, and missing my Don so much.  I forget what it's like to be kissed on the lips, and held at night in bed, and touched in that special, loving way that partners touch.  It's like I'll never forget, but then I feel that I am.... so confusing.  

Thanks for listening.

Comment by Susan Polese on June 30, 2011 at 4:07pm

Thanks, Mercy.  I am lucky (in a sense) to be in my mid-forties and have this be my first signicant loss - grief is unlike any other feeling I've experienced. I am a writer and feel that I will evenutally write about - but I can't yet.

 

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on June 30, 2011 at 11:40am

Tortureing myself today. Just can't stop balling thinking about all those little details of my brothers death. I'm going to see his kids tomorrow, they live in Ohio now, moved there 6 months after Richie died. We've seen them twice since they moved.I'm so excited to go, so I took today off to pack and get ready to go and I can't stop crying. His son is taking the brunt of his death, 8 yrs old and has to go on without the daddy that just lived for him. My brother was coach of his sons baseball team,scot leader at cub scots, and right there at every soccer. game. I am sorry for everyone else's loss but right now my loss is enormous.Just needed to share

Comment by mercy on June 30, 2011 at 11:32am

Susan I am so sorry. I too lost my mom last month, to cancer of the asophagus. Her battle was short and I thank God that she was in pain for less than two weeks before she died. I'm still very numb and sad at the loss of my mom, she had so much life left in her until cancer took over. We are here for you, right now I don't have a lot of good words of comfort as I'm in the depths of grief but I will listen and understand.

Comment by Susan Polese on June 30, 2011 at 10:27am

I lost my mom to an eight year struggle with lung cancer last month. She was 79 and died at home with hospice and our family with her. She was a chain-smoker who started at age 13. I miss her so badly and watching her die such a slow, agonizing death is so hard to deal with. I am hoping sharing on this site will help me and others journeys and struggles will empower me as mine will them. I look forward to it all. My name is Susan.

Comment by mercy on June 29, 2011 at 5:37pm

Thanks my dear Cynthia; it feel like you have given me a BIG HUG. I really appreciate you and everyone else here. You are all so caring and I know I was directed to this site for a reason. God Bless you all.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on June 29, 2011 at 2:23pm

Dear Melissa -

I'm so sorry for your loss of your dad.  My daughters can relate to that more than I can because I haven't yet lost a parent.  But I can understand your feelings that you weren't there at the end.  I don't know about you, but I really do believe that there's a purpose in all things, and there are no accidents.  There was a reason you weren't supposed to be there when he passed.  I don't know if you're religious or what your beliefs are, and this may not be any help at all, but I believe your dad can still hear you, wherever he is. In Orthodox Judaism, we believe that the soul stays connected to his/her loved ones after their body dies.  The body dies, the soul moves to another plane or reality - it might be above us or below us or parallel with us.  We don't believe in hell,  or in heaven as a distant, far away place.  I believe my husband in near me and even when he isn't, I believe he can still hear me.  Talk to your dad; build an alter or a shrine to him if it helps.  We have the picture of my husband that was up at the service over the mantle, and his ashes in a box below it; I have a picture of him on my dresser, next to a picture of the two of us, with a candle next to it.  I also have an incense holder there, because I burn incense more than I burn the candle; sometimes I go into our room and I just feel that it is so full of his presence, there isn't room for anything else.  And it's a good feeling.  Sometimes I wake in the night and wonder why he isn't in bed because I know he was just there... I don't have the ability to see "spirits" or whatever you want to call them; I don't hear them, either.  But I do sense things and feel things, and mostly, I feel my husband.  So talk to your father; see how it feels. Hang in there.

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