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Comment by mercy on August 3, 2011 at 4:40pm

Cynthia, congratulations on your grandson. Mom had 32 grandkids (two of whom passed at a very young age). they visited her constantly and it kept her so happy and vibrant. I have comfort knowing that one of her main wishes came true and that was for me to have a baby before she left this world. She loved all of us so much and  had the biggest heart of anyone I know. Its so painful that that chapter of our life is over and now all we have are memories. All the same, I thank God for giving me such a precious mom.

Comment by Jeanne Potter on August 3, 2011 at 3:43pm

My heart goes out to all of us going through this terrible ordeal. Cynthia I can relate to the problems with your husband's Crohn's disease, as I have suffered from it for 43 years. It is a difficult disease to deal with and for the partner it is exhausting. I am now having some problems and have to see a Colectoral surgeon on Monday. Hopefully I haven't gone too far over this time with it. Whatever will be will be though. I also am selling my house. Our plan was for Harry to retire and we were moving to Gettysburg Pa and that was what I was going to do. Two weeks ago my grandson asked me why I was moving so far and why not move near them. I started to say it was because that is what grandpa and I planned and suddenly realized that grandpa is gone and I would be alone in Pa and my grandchildren would be here. I need to have a new chapter in my life. It is hard to adjust to that but I have to. I am going to be moving, but closer to my grandkids and in the same state. I feel like I am doing better than I was although when I was at the gastro drs. office yesterday and was explaining about my husband I broke down. I know that it is normal, but try not to if I can help it. I cry alone a lot and try to make sense of them.

All I can say to everyone from what I am learning is to live for today and make the most of it with the people that are here. They are the ones that you need now as they need you. As I write this I am getting ready to leave for a wake of a former co worker that  last Sunday had a stroke and was getting better and suddenly this Sunday just died. She was only 64. That is such a terrible shock to lose someone so suddenly. The last time I talked to her we were going to get together for lunch with some other old co workers and never did. Why not, because we are all so busy we never make time. I feel so bad that I never got to spend the time with her and I could have. Yesterday I made a trip to the office to see the few people that are left that were not down sized. It was so good to see them and made a promise to get together soon. I believe we will after the news about our friend. I will probably see 35 people I used to work with tonight. It should not have to be at a wake, it should be for dinner or something fun. Take time to do it now and don't wait for the phone call everyone dreads.

We will all get through this somehow in our own time, but don't let it make you miss out on the living that love you while grieving for those that have passed on.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on August 3, 2011 at 3:31pm

Dear Mercy -

Hang in there.  Your strength has gotten you through a lot of this, and it will come back.  Just when you think you can't do one more thing, or survive one more hour, you will.  I understand how hard this is.  i haven't lost my mom; I'm lucky to still have her - she's 86.  But losing my husband taught me what I just told you.  That strength is in there.  And it is not at all unusual to feel physically what you are going through emotionally.  It happens to everyone, and most of us turn our emotional pain into physical pain.  Just hang in.

Comment by mercy on August 3, 2011 at 1:46pm

Thanks Cynthia for all the encouragement you give us. With every post I read here, what I'm going through makes more and more sense. When mom was ill, everyone in my huge immediate and extended family worried so much about how her death would affect me. When she passed; I seemed so strong and they all felt encouraged by my demeanor. I think I was just in shock and now its all hitting me. I cry so much and think about her every waking moment. Sometimes before I go to sleep, I have the worst thoughts. last night I was watching tv and there was a show preview on the profession of crime scene clean ups and decomposing bodies. I almost drove myself crazy thinking about  moms body decomposing, I tried eating meat after that and I couldn't. I had to take powerful pills just to get four hours of sleep. My heart feels so heavy and I'm physically sick from the pain of losing mom. I don't know how I've made it the last two months. Thanks for listening.

Mercy.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on August 3, 2011 at 12:38pm

Tara and others - Tara, that's the question I think we all ask; How do I go on without you (your loved one) and why can't I just not wake up one day?  And every day, I wake up anyway.  I'm at a place now where waking up each day isn't so bad; I've been able to keep myself busy, and I am blessed to have a healthy, beautiful new grandson who I see twice a week - this week 3 times as I'm baby sitting him right now, and I think sometimes we have to really work at finding something to keep us going.  As I've often said on this site, I never knew anything could hurt so much and so deeply as when my husband died.  I sat with for three days, watching him die and I was prepared, but I wasn't.  I was prepared to lose him, but he'd suffered so very much it was a relief for him.  i was numb for a month before the pain and anger and agony set in.  I don't have meltdowns anymore, but it still hurts and I'm terribly lonely, and I miss him like I never knew I could.  But I'm able to move on at last; I have a beautiful new grandson, and I listed our house for sale.  That's hard - I have mixed feelings.  I do feel ready; I can't afford it, it's too big for just one person, and I'm so lonely here.  I'm not sure where I'll go to settle, but I'll rent something for a time while I think about it. 

Back to the question:  How do we go on?  One step at a time.  We somehow just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and we just do.  A few years ago my brother was very ill and on a respirator for about 2 weeks.  They had to take him back into surgery, and my sister-in-law was told he may not survive the surgery, but he wouldn't survive without it, so she said then do it.  She asked me "how do you do this?" because my husband had Crohn's Disease (for 30 years - before he had cancer) and I didn't know what to say, except what I just said above; just one foot in front of the other.  That wasn't the answer she wanted.  I think she wanted what we all want - an easy solution to the most terrible time of our lives  Does anyone have it?  I don't.  But somehow, we manage.  We have each other, and that helps.  This site has been a tremendous help to me - a place to write it out and vent, and hear what others are going through and that I'm really not alone, as alone as I often feel.  And, oh, my brother is fine today. He has a few minor cognitive changes but you wouldn't  notice them if you didn't know him; he's an emergency room doctor, and he needs his cognitive skills!   So I want to say a big Thank You to everyone here, just for being here, for not giving up on yourselves and for allowing me to get this all out.  Thank you.

Comment by tara glasshoff on August 3, 2011 at 2:29am

How do we go on? I am very lost without my mom

Comment by mercy on July 29, 2011 at 10:17pm

Hi Cynthia, Jeanne, Arielle and everyone. thank you so much for your words of support. Its true, I just want the pain to stop, but I also don't want to have to live with the knowledge that I'll never see my mom or brother anymore. I've lived abroad for several years so I was away from them both and from everyone else. When my brother, my best friend (43) died  suddenly last year, I was paralyzed by grief, for 10 months then moms cancer came back and I totally forgot I had lost my brother, I started having anitcipatory grief over mom. Now reality has hit that they are both gone, I can't get back all those years apart, I can't go back and change a thing; its so,so painful. I tried taking anti-depressants last year but it didn't help. I may try a different brand, just for the sake of my little girl. I feel devastated that a 21 month old should be consoling her mother. When I break down, she gives me the tightest hugs and pats on my back, she even tries to feed me out of her bottle. I've pushed everyone away (including my husband) and she's the only person I spend time with when I'm not at work. Coming to this site is a real help and I think I started going downhill after I was away from here for over a week. I can't do individual therapy since I feel so uncomfortable sharing my grief face to face with someone else. This is the one place where I feel at ease and I feel like everyone understands and isn't judgemental. God Bless you all and I promise, I'll not do anything to hurt myself.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 28, 2011 at 6:01pm

Mercy - no worries.

 

Comment by mercy on July 28, 2011 at 4:17pm

Please bear with me everyone. I'm trying to catch up on the messages here. I've had a very rough week, crying hysterically daily, sometimes in front of my baby girl. I THANK you all for your support, I'll respond soon.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on July 28, 2011 at 11:01am

Joseph - I can also say I would love nothing more than to hold my husband again, but it is not up to me when that happens; I have to let go of my fear and trust the universe will decide when that time is right.  Please, please, get some professional help with your grief.  I am very concerned by your post that you are going to do something irrational and end your life yourself; we all act irrationally, or at least have those feelings and thoughts when we lose the person we love the most.  But there must be people in your life who would grieve for you as you do for your beloved.  I understand it hurts more than you ever imagined it would, and you want that hurt to end.  Do you really want to be dead, or just ease the pain?  I have to tell you I am a licensed psychotherapist; in all of my years working with people who have lost their true love, their soul mate, I have learned a lot from them; and when I lost my Don - my one true love, my soul mate, I never knew anything could hurt so much or so deep.  But I have also learned that grief is not something you get over; and you can't go under; it's something you go through.  And when it feels like your heart has been ripped from your chest, and you think you'll never get out of bed again, somehow something pulls you back up, and you get through just one more day, or hour, or minute - whatever it takes.  And you ask yourself "what would he/she want for me now?"  And for me at least, the answer has been, he would want me to go on and be here for our girls and our grandsons; he would want me to live a good live and be strong and go on; but he would forgive the days I meltdown and understand, and on those days, I can feel him holding me.  I'm not "over" my grief; I'll never be "over" it.  I'm tearing up now as I write this.   I have to work at it a lot; but less now than when he first left this life.  He's not suffering now, he's in a better place, and that thought gets me through many days.  Please, please, think about this.  I understand how much this hurts, I think all of us on this page do.  There are times I know he is here with me; I can feel his presence as if it fills the room.  Do you have a religious person you can talk to?  Most areas at least have a hospice that offers free counseling, or a Wellness Community maybe that has free support groups.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  As much as you feel alone, and there is nothing left for you, there is something to come, something positive, something in THIS life.  Please keep posting.  I know I can say "we" care here.

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