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Comment by Cynthia Horacek on September 20, 2011 at 1:44pm

Dear Sharon and Anna -

I am so sorry you had to face this loss; but I can say I understand and I know what it's like.  My husband was diagnosed with rectal cancer in January last year, had surgery in Feb., started radiation and chemo 6 weeks after than, had a powerport in for 12 hours (overnight) of TPN (Temporary Parenteral Nutrition) and I did that for him; and I was also his 24/7 caregiver, except when he was in the hospital because he didn't think i should spend the night - he said I needed my rest.  And he was right, because when he was home, I was doing a lot of care taking!  In October, the dr. said it all looked good; the part of the tumor the surgeon couldn't remove appeared to be inactive and it wasn't spreading or growing.  But mid-October he started to complain his back hurt and he trouble getting out of bed; he kept saying he thought it was muscular, and I kept saying we had to tell the dr.  At the end of October he started to bleed into his ostomy bag so we went to the e.r. immediately and he was admitted.  He spent a week in the hospital, one test led to another and they finally did a bone marrow biopsy, and I think we both knew what that meant; that was on Friday.  He came home on Saturday, we got the biopsy results on Tuesday, my daughter and my brother in law flew in on Wednesday, and my husband died at home, with hospice, on Friday.  This site has been my life saver.  I can always come here and vent or whatever; I've told my story so many time people must be tired of it by now - but it helps to tell it over and over somehow.  

I sold my husbands car to my nephew because he needed a car, and I didn't need two.  But I know what you mean when you say, Anna, that each time you saw your husband's truck you thought he was home.  Each time I opened the garage when coming home and saw Don's car, I think I had the same thought.  In a way, it's good to know the car is useful to someone, and my nephew really is happy with it, and in someways I miss it.  But I've been cleaning out a lot, and giving away a lot of his books to family who want them.  Most of them I'll probably donate.  I want to do something useful with his things.  

All I can say for now is hang in there.  This grief stuff sucks, but if you allow yourself to feel and release the feelings, and talk about it to someone - like in a support group or a therapist, it does get better.  Slowly, over time, eventually, it does.  I still have my bad days of course; some days I think I'll cry forever, but somehow I go on.  Take care of yourselves.

 

Comment by anna l. on September 20, 2011 at 12:46pm

Sharon Wallace, I am very sorry for your pain.  My husband passed away on July 1, 2011, after a two month struggle with stage 4 metastic melanoma.  I also did 24/7 care in and out of hospital.  In the two months he was incredibly sick, only 1 night did I leave his side.  He wanted me there as much as I needed to be there.  I know what you mean when you say you still feel like he's going to walk through the door any minute now.  I had to have my husbands truck moved so I cant see it from the house.  Every time I walked by a window and saw his truck my brain would think, Tom is home.  And then I would instantly have to face the reality that he was not and would not be coming home.  It was aweful.  Now with the truck moved those moments are not happening as often.  But I go to bed alone, wake up alone, make meals alone, watch tv alone, take the dogs for walks alone, everything now is alone.  I had my sister staying here for 2 weeks.  She just left yesterday to fly back home.  My daughter and granddaughter were here on the weekend and left yesterday too.  My sons and their families live nearby but they all work and go to school so I dont see them very often. So now it is back to waking up in an empty house.  They say life goes on, but  it is not the life I ever thought I would have.  

Comment by Sharon Wallace on September 20, 2011 at 9:59am

I just signed up with this site and thought I'd introduce myself.  My name is Sharon (or Kelly as my friends call me), I'm 45, have 3 grown daughters, and lost my best friend in May, 2011 to Stage IV Esophageal Cancer.  We met in 1998 and he was one of the best things that ever happened to me.  We were married just shy of 8 years when he was taken from me.  We learned 2 years ago about the cancer and were quite shocked with the diagnosis.  He fought hard to beat this thing, but it was out of his control.  Last November he started coughing up blood and was hospitalize for a week then they started radiology.  He got through one week of radiology and then had a heart attack in the beginning of December.  He was gone for about 12 minutes and they finally got him back.  I gave him 24/7 care even when he was in the hospital and then rehab and then back again in the hospital.  There were only 2 nights when he was in rehab that I wasn't allowed to be with him.  He wasn't quite the same after that, but he did come home in March with a feeding tube in place.  He couldn't swallow food and at times he refused the tube feedings, especially in the end.  He was frustrated living the way he was and he was always in pain.  He was taken from me on May 3, 2011.  I still can't believe he's gone.....I still feel like he's going to walk through that door any minute now.  He was my rock, my best friend, and my other half.....I feel so lonely without him.  It's strange how you can be constantly surrounded by people, but yet feel so incredibly lonely.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on September 12, 2011 at 8:36pm

Barbara - I'm glad there is a separate trust for your brother's children. That is the best way to protect them!  Unless someone who is not very scrupulous is the trustee... but anyway, at least they have that. And they have you.  And at least their mom loves them and is there for them and takes care of them.  I agree with everything you said, and I understand how it must hurt you for her to be this way.  I'm just very suspicious that she simply can't tolerate her feelings of loss so she shoves them away and acts like everything is okay; someday it will come up and be that much worse, for which I am sorry.  But hang in there, it sound's like you're doing the best you can!

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on September 12, 2011 at 4:13pm

Cynthia- it was raised for the children, with the exception of emergencies. She has gotten laser eye surgery, financed her wedding and honeymoon and recently bought a camper for her new family vacations.The harness association can't do anything about the money they gave her for the richie ingrassia fund, but they did raise another 30thousand that they put in a trust(her name is not on it)for the kids. At least we know that they will get that money.Now, as far as her being a good mom, she is. Her kids are clean, well fed and very loved by her. I can't say that she is a bad mom.I just want her to miss my brother. With the 9/11 ceremonies you hear lots of stories. I hear these women still missing their husbands and Kelly doesn't even acknowledge my brother. My family posted on facebook when it was his year and she did not acknowledge him at all, because she was already engaged and into her new life. Now, I do understand that it doesn't make her a bad person, it just hurts my family. The minute she gets married, shes on facebook posting her new married name, it hurst us so much, we still miss our old life. Your right about those kids, because no matter how I feel about her, she doesn't know. I keep everything nicey nice. I still call and where ever I could I throw in a "my brother would be so proud".. She doesn't haved much to say about that. I  let my nephew know that his dad is watching him and proud of his accomplishments. I just wish it would come from her.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on September 12, 2011 at 10:45am

Barbara - Again, I'm sorry. Was that money that was raised intended for the children, or the whole family, including Richie's wife?  If it was intended for the children, and it's not being given to them, or put in a trust for them, you may be able to get the harness assoc. to do something about it - but I'm not a lawyer and don't really know the process involved.  I get rather worked up when it comes to children and parents who don't put their kids first!  Kids are so defenseless and have such little control over their lives; I believe they need to be heard.  Hang in there, Barbara.  With you as their aunt, in the long run, they'll probably be okay.  Good luck.

 

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on September 12, 2011 at 6:07am

Thanks Cynthia and Arielle-My initial reacdtion is anger, i'm better now but I will never understand her wanting to wipe my brothers memory away.Arielle I actually did vomit over this. It does make you sick to your stomach. She won't go on facebook and acknowledge my brother in any way but she could post that shes married. Almost like she wants to rub our faces in it. Last week was my daughters 5th birthday. Why can't she have the kids call.She just wants us all to go away and live with her idea of the perfect family. I feel like shes happy Richie is dead...she got to meet her soulmate and live really well. I mentioned how the harness association raised almost 88 thousand dollars in my brothers name. Her and her new husband now get to enjoy it. When Richie was sick, we became close, now she left me missing Richie and she doesn't even acknowledge he existed.

 

Comment by Arielle on September 11, 2011 at 9:32pm

Barbara I know how you feel. I found out on Friday, through a slip by my 5 yr old nephew, that my brother's widow has been seeing someone. And she has been taking my nephews there every weekend. Who knows how long she has been seeing this guy. It has to be months. I'm sick to my stomach. We always knew my brother was too good for her. We could never understand why he was with her, she always treated him like shit. And seemed to always be annoyed by our presence. I finally confronted her about why she wouldn't let us see my nephews. She blamed everything on me and my family, how we don't help her at all. Of course she has never asked us how we're coping with Adam's loss, etc. I'm just sick. And I hate her. She never deserved him.

Comment by Jacob Michael scott McLeod-Steinmetz on September 11, 2011 at 9:20pm

September is Childhood cancer awareness month

wear a Gold ribbon for the Children fighting cancer and for those that have earned their wings

 I wear Gold for my ^i^ Jacob 

AML "Leukaemia Sux"  17th June 1991-16th June 2005

Comment by Jeanne Potter on September 11, 2011 at 9:09pm

Thanks Cynthia but I don't knit. I have my electronic toys and kindle books so I will be ok. I really don't have anyone that will be home with me during the day. I am in a bilevel so I am concerned on getting upstairs. Once I am in I will work on the rest. My family should be landing soon in Jersey. Was worried on this day about them flying but so far so good. Iam going to have to see a podiatrist tomorrow as 4 fybromas popped out on the bottom of my left foot. They are benighn tumors that form on the nerves. Have not had one in 3 years and now 4 oh joy. They have to shoot cortisone right into them but that usually helps quickly. Oh well back to resting, and Cynthia I think if u r feeling a good energy in the house, u don't have to see it for it to be real. Hang in there. JEANNE

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