I lost my mother to metastatic breast cancer 7/4/14. I haven't opened up about it but have been journalling how I feel. I'm going to share what I've been logging and would love any advice on how to cope.

This is really just me logging how I'm feeling. I just don't know how this will all turn out but its a way for me to just get out what I'm feeling.

I'm sad.


 I've tried to run away from my emotions and I just want to turn back time.....redo life. Every little thing makes me think about my mom. I hide it. She knows this was how I was going to handle things. This was her worry and I've let her down. I don't like to talk about it because its real. I remember certain things about the moments before and the moment of her passing that I want to forget but I can't. Holding a persons hand as they take their last breath......it stays with you. I try so hard to remember the good and all I remember is the sad. I'm not trying too but I do. I know my mom knows I love her but I don't remember telling her goodbye. My heart hurts constantly. Its really hard for me to open up and get out my feelings towards everything because it just doesn't make sense. No one has gone thru it that I talk too and the people that have, I feel like a burden. I don't want to hear I'm not. This is not a pity party. This is not saying im not. This is me expressing finally after over a year how I feel. I love my family. They've been there thru so much right with me and yet I don't want to talk to them about how I feel. For two reasons. One because I need to be there for them. Two because it solidifies she's gone and there's just a piece of me that says shes not. I just don't know how to handle this or battle this. I want to talk but I don't know how to say it. So how does that work......I feel like the only person to give me answers is the person I'm grieving over.
I don't need thoughts or prayers. There are other people in the world to be praying for. Don't waste them on me. I'm grieving. Prayers don't help the grieving. They help the person whose found peace. My mom has found peace. Praise for her. I just don't know what my next step is because right now.....I'm just empty.

I'm sick of people looking at me like I'm broken. I'm not broken I'm sad. And I'm also angry. Angry that my mom isn't going to be here for my wedding. Or to talk girly shit or to be a grandmother to my children. To watch me evolve. To fight with and make up with. Nothing about this is fair.

Decisions I make are to make me feel better. To either ignore, mask or get rid of the pain. Sometimes they're not the best decisions but they're MY decisions and I need people to understand that. They're not major life changing decisions but they're temporary fixes and sometimes that's all a person needs.
I don't need judgment on top of everything else I'm going through. People are changing everday. My family has grown stronger. I have too but in a different way, I'm done. My whole life has been spent being selfless and I don't regret a single moment, but I need to do things for me. I will always still be there for friends and family. Its my nature, its one of the many amazing qualities I've learned from my mom, but I need to do things for me. You can look at it as me acting out or not choosing to accept things....I look at it as finding myself. 

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 12........12.......my entire adolences and adulthood was surrounded around and sculpted by my mom's cancer.....again I don't regret it. Its changed me, shaped me.....(and yet a part of me doesn't understand why I'm trying to explain myself to you)
So I've never done things for myself. I need too.....my mothers gone. There is no more pain for her.  She's moved on.....

Why can't I?

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi, you cant move on because your still grieving.  I lost my lovely wife to bowel cancer 10 months ago yesterday, 18/8/2015, she suffered 11 months, we were married 22 years, I am lost, and alone, because she was my world.  People give me advice that means squat, but I know they care and probably feel as helpless as I feel.

There is no advice I can give, because there is no advice people can give me.  I feel like im in an alternative universe, leading somebody else's life...Everything we had went with her.

Im sorry I cant be of more use to you, If I may put it like that ?

Michael UK

im sorry 4 yore loss

its hrd 2 mov on its hrd 2 get ovr it coz we can not get ovr it we cant

dad dies in 2012 so mush loss follrs wis im so mest up coz of loss

iv dun a lot pf silly thngs coz of loss

slf harmin is 1 of thm 

sorry if im rant on 2 mush

Dear Megan,

I am very sorry for your loss. It seems like you and your mother were very close. I was very close to mine too. She was 81 when she passed, and it took me several years to "move on." When we lose a dearly beloved family member, we don't really move on. We learn to adapt to the new reality and learn to create a new life without them. It hurts beyond measure to learn to live without them. It seems like a betrayal. But we have been condemned to this life, and there is little else that we can do to change the way things are.

I lost the love of my life, my beloved husband Joseph, to cancer last year on August 4th. He was 49 years old. We had so many dreams and plans for the future together, he had so much more to give, he had so much more life to live, but it all came to an end when he succumbed to lung cancer. My life has been ruined and devastated, I feel like a person who has lost a limb or their eyesight and are forced to go on living. Everyday is a struggle and I have to face each new day without the love of my life and the knowledge that the rest of my life will be like this: loveless, joyless, and full of ennui and sadness. It's all unfair and cruel. So I can relate to what you have been going through this past one year. Sometimes there's nothing to be done, but take each day as it comes and do our best to survive through the day. Baby steps is one way to cope with this pain and hopeless situation. Not expect too much, but take small steps and make it through the day somehow. With luck, maybe things will get a little easier in a year or two. I am sorry that I cannot say anything more hopeful or upbeat.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and sending you vibes of healing and peace. Take care, Trina

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