Filled with grief and regret

My husband died on April 20, 2012. He was in remission one year, and I left him during the remission on Sept. 2011 to live with my mother when his anger and abuse became more than I could stand. The cancer returned Nov. 2011, and he was given 2 more years to live. I didn't believe that he was going to die, but he died 6 months later. He was angry that I had left him and divorced me even though I begged him not to. On the day that the doctors were to remove the breathing tube, I finally signed the divorce papers even though I didn't want to. However, his family and attorney would not remove the breathing tube until I signed the papers. After I signed the papers, they removed the breathing tube, and he died 15 mins. later. I was standing by his side, holding his arm as he died. Now I am filled with grief and regret that I had moved out and didn't support him in his final months. I hope I can forgive myself. I've searched and searched for support groups and have read many books, but they have not helped. I hope that this group will help.

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Permalink Reply by Mary M. on January 7, 2014 at 8:49am

Hi Raven,

I have been away from the site for some time and only saw your discussion today.  It really touched my heart.   The guilt of not being supportive enough, or there enough, for our loved ones is something I think a lot of us share.  I know in my situation I had a hard time going to the hospital once my husband was hospitalized, I did go but not as often or for as long as I probably should have.  I had a 9 year old and 3 year old at home and it wasn't always easy to get across town to the hospital, added to my fear of driving in winter .. well I definitely felt like I let him down anyway -- he never said I did.  When he was moved to a hospice it was easier as I could take the girls with me as they had a playroom for them, plus there were no set visiting hours so we could go anytime of the day/evening/night.  But I still feel guilt at not being more available  to him.  I have to live with that .. but its not easy.   I did spend his last night with him .. he held on despite the pain he was in until I was able to let him go.   He showed a selfless love through his illness.  Yes he changed, he got moody, and irritable but I am sure had it been me I would have been much worse.

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