Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Melisa C on May 29, 2013 at 6:52am

Lisa, feeling guilt is normal in my experience. I've gone through all the things I didn't do, all that I did wrong and how I didn't realize my mom was dying that last day, over and over. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. These thoughts are there, it's natural, even more for you when it has been just a few weeks. It's hard, but try not to dwell on them. Looking back we see it all clearly, but in that moment we didn't. It's a fact. If you knew he wasn't ok you would have called or visited, but you didn't know back then.

 I really don't know how to deal with this guilt, but I know that dwelling in it won't help you. It sounds like you were a really good friend, I wish I had a friend that like you would bring me cat food if she knew I couldn't afford it. I'm sure he knew (or knows, wherever he is) how much you cared for him.

Permalink Reply by Bonnie Jacobs on May 29, 2013 at 11:20am

My daughter suffered a sever asthma attack brought on be her drug use. She was in a coma for four months before she finally passed. I knew about the drug use and like you I keep thinking this was all my fault. I should have called the police when I knew she was high and probably dealing. I shouldn't have let her live with me. I should have given her more tough love. I don't know why I didn't do these things but I do blame myself that she is gone. Coulda, shoulda, woulda.  I know I couldn't have stopped her. I did try. We had many talks and toward the end I knew she was either doomed or on her way to recovery. She wanted to be the old Sara but wasn't strong enough to walk away from the many drugs she was doing. I still do feel guilty as it has only been three and a half weeks since she died but there is a difference between how it feels and how it is. It feels terrible and that it is my fault, but it really isn't my fault, it is just a fact that still hurts.

Permalink Reply by Bonnie Jacobs on May 29, 2013 at 6:45pm

I just spoke to a lifelong friend that I don't talk to much. He helped me through getting through the worse day yet. He told me that everyone make their own choices in life. You teach your kids what is right and what is wrong and they have to make their own decisions if life. He emphasized to me the fact that it was not my fault, that there was nothing I could do to change what my daughter chose in the end. He knew her and her lifestyle and talked to me like I was a real person, not some sad story. So, I am telling you that people do make their own choices and it was not your fault, even though it feels like it. It sounds like Sean wasn't in the frame of mind to listen.  He made a choice and as hard as that is to live with you have to remember that it was his choice. It sounds like this is easy for me to say to you when I have trouble with it myself, but it is true. I miss my daughter every minute of every day. Today was my worse day. All I did was cry but, again, this lifestyle was her choice no matter how hard I tried to get through to her. I still am crying and it is the hardest thing to go through. They say it gets easier, we'll see. Your first step seems to be forgiving yourself. Sean made his choices.

Permalink Reply by Lisa Croatt on June 3, 2013 at 2:59pm

Thank you Melissa and Bonnie for your very kind, very relevant words.  

I know that Sean knows that I cared about him and that I still do. I was almost really the only person who did, except for his dad and he was becoming a real financial burden to his dad.

And Bonnie I know you are right about him making his own choices. He had previously taken too much of one of the medications and I had to call the police to hospitalize him, because he wouldn't go with me voluntarily. I had told him the story of that night over and over again because I'm sure he doesn't remember how he was acting. I really was afraid that night that he was going to have a seizure or worse. I wanted him to know how much I really did care about him because I was so scared. Obviously, me retelling him the story never got through, because he overdosed on the same medication (he had a lot more to take).

I just have so many emotions that come up at different times. Sometimes it's guilt, sometimes it's anger - anger at myself, because I wasn't being as tolerant of him at the time and trying to help him more. I was being critical of him and kept getting angry at him, because he was getting so out of control at the end. He kept taking ambulances to the hospital and then wanted me to pick him up late at night.

I'm very angry at the system that I don't feel was helping the way they should have been.  He had been discharged with the medication (fiorinol) for headaches from our psych unit. Very early the next am was when I had to call the police to have him hospitalized. Before he died he was discharged from a psych unit in a different county as he was sent there because ours was full. That doctor discharged him with triple (90 tabs) what the other doctor gave him. They also gave him clonazepam 90 tabs. There were only about 10 pills left in each bottle when I found him. I just don't understand why there was no communication between the hospitals and/or the doctors to not give him that medication. I know this no longer matters, but I still can't get rid of my anger over it, especially because I used to work in the mental health system and this should not have happened!

And then, of course, I'm angry at him -  for being so stupid to take so many pills, for leaving our cats (his cat is showing confusion), and for leaving me! He kind of was my only friend that I actually "hung out" with. I already have depression, so I tend to be isolative. He had pretty severe anxiety (that's why he liked using the drugs he did - anything to take away the anxiety). We were so comfortable with each other though, we used to have so much fun together. Before his anxiety got so bad.

Mostly, I just feel sad because I miss him so much! I have things to do in my life and some days I just don't want to get out of bed. I have major medical issues going on and I am waiting for a decision from Social Security Disability. My niece is graduating from High School. She is my Goddaughter and we have a really good relationship, except she doesn't understand my depression. I'm doing pretty good at "sucking it up" and getting things done. I cry in my "alone" time. That's why I joined this site, because I thought maybe I'd find some people that could relate to what I'm going through. That I could share my feelings with.  And I have. The things you two have said have helped. I know it just takes time, too.

Bonnie, I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter. It's really like you had to lose her twice.

And Melissa, I'm sorry about the loss of your mother.

Thinking of you both.