Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
Dad passed May 20th of this year. I remember my mother telling me about the diagnosis and thinking "not possible". It was a few years before the complications started. The sadder part is I knew the disease, I had watched others pass from it. I knew the outcome,no cure even a transplant was only borrowed time. I knew the extent aggressive treatment was. For eighteen months I watched Dad fade as the disease robbed him of us a sliver at a time. Watching this man who was my hero lose this battle broke my heart. When we decided on hospice, I was not expecting things to happen so fast. Two weeks to the day of admitting Dad to inpatient hospice I was standing in the receiving line of his wake. I have no regrets, I said everything I wanted to say to him, how much I loved him, how proud and grateful I was to have him as a father, all the things like that. I remember telling him it was ok to go, that I did not want him to suffer anymore. I promised we (my mother and brother) would remember to take care of each other. In no way would I want him back the way he was in the end, but what I wasn't prepared for is this incredible emotional pain and sense of loss. For the searching for him when I went to the house he and Mom shared. The waiting for a door to open and for him to walk in as he used to, or to walk down the hall and greet me. Everyone says call me, you can talk, but when I do I see eyes glaze over or suddenly the person needs to get off the phone. There are support groups locally but Mom has joined them all. Some of what I have to say would cause her pain or to cry more. How I was strong for her, how I cried only when alone so I could be there for her. How much I wished she had allowed me to help her more this last year or at least ask for help. How I understand this was her husband and she wanted all that precious time with him but that he was also my father. I could have helped her, allowed her to just be with him or maybe have a few private moments myself. How I resented her asking me to help and then suddenly Dad's brother was there doing what she did ask me to do. I probably sound horrible to you but I needed to get these things out and as I said there is no local support group I can go to as Mom is at them all. She should be it will help her and she needs to heal too. I want her to heal too. Suddenly in the back of my mind is the reminder that I will lose her too and I will be without the two people who did more for me than I can ever begin to tell.
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my mom February 10th. Her last five weeks were horrible. I, too, cannot go to the local grief support, but this is because of my sister, mom's caretaker. We grieve different mothers and, like you, the things that I need to say, would only bring my sister pain. I feel so incredibly alone sometimes. I hope to find the help that I need here. I love my mom. Like you, I would not ask her to come back and relive the past year for more time. She suffered so greatly the last five weeks. I would not ask anyone to relive that pain. I want to offer my "screen" to you if you need to talk.
I am sorry for your loss too, I don't feel so odd knowing others feel as I do. I understand the feeling alone. My brother has moved forward and has told me to do the same, but my brother is going to be a new father soon so he has a distraction. I could not tell you if Dad suffered but we all did watching his body surrender to the disease. I appreciate your offer, I will take you up on it. This next holiday will be difficult, it was the last holiday we had together as a family with Dad in his home.