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Comment by Avi on May 29, 2018 at 11:21pm

Virginia

I faced similar situation when dr in the ICU told me that we cannot put her on ventilator as it will not make much sense. But I asked them to do what best they can do now and they talked to the oncologist. I wish I would have been more specific asking them more questions but I thought that the people in ICU are more trained than me. But those people are not emotionally connected to the patient so they may only follow what they have been taught.

I understand your concern and guilt and hope if I can help you in anyway. 

Comment by Virginia G on May 29, 2018 at 11:20pm

Bluebell, 

i see what you mean, it’s like they didn’t try as hard because she was old. Just like they didn’t because my Mom had so much treatment.

One of her ER doctors was callous too.  I kept telling everyone, we know there’s a lot of cancer, we’ve been doing this for four years!

She had the bipap mask on and was writing on a paper for them to be kind to me, I’m her only child.  Even then she was worried about me.

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 29, 2018 at 11:11pm

Virgina,

I felt like the doctors did not treat my Mom at the hospital a couple of times just because she was 98 years old. She was not some bedridden invalid. She had a life. In the month before she died, I had called 911 twice and taken her into the ER twice for first feeling like she could not swallow, and the second time because she felt like she could not breath. The first time they gave her something to swallow to numb her throat. The second time they gave her a breathing treatment, an inhaler for home and antibiotics. Her oxygen saturation in her blood was all over the place. I could have insisted on home oxygen and I regret not doing that. I regret not demanding she be admitted for further diagnostic work  work up and maybe  IV antibiotics or IV diuretics. like Lasix. Another time  when I was not home, she slipped off of the recliner chair by trying to get up without the foot rest being down. She tried to get up off the floor on her own but when she could not , she activated her Life Alert. The paramedics recommended a trip to the hospital because she was in rapid Atrial Fib. The ER doctor there did almost nothing to help her. He just gave her IV fluids and no blood work. When I ask if he had called her Cardiologist, he said " Did you want me too?" What kind of a doctor is this?. It was almost like he had developed a hardness or a prejudice just because she was older. What really made me almost nauseated was that when I went into the hallway, he was surrounded by nurses. He was very good looking and it was almost like he was holding court. 

Do I have regrets? You bet I do.

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on May 29, 2018 at 11:10pm

I belong with her.  

Comment by Avi on May 29, 2018 at 11:04pm

Agree with Brett completely. 

I tell you Virginia if somehow you go back in time, you will still take the same decisions. So it was not your fault. It was destined.

Comment by Virginia G on May 29, 2018 at 11:03pm

Avi,

i feel like we fought for four years and then at the end, I messed up.  I was at every appointment asking questions and always researching as it was a rare cancer.  Then in the hospital I was avoiding the doctor instead, then pushed to palliative care.  I asked if I could switch back to the medical team and they said yes.  I should’ve talked to the doctor more and if I knew there were only a few days left, I would’ve told them to try anything.  At least I would’ve known she had every chance.  

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 29, 2018 at 10:59pm

Virginia, how on earth could it be your fault? And I have to tell you, I was pushing for more treatment for my mom all the way till the end. Finally my doctor, her doctor, convinced me that Hospice was the most merciful thing for my mom. You no more have the power to will someone alive than you have to will them to die. There are some things in life that we simply cannot control. And life and death are foremost among those things.

Comment by Avi on May 29, 2018 at 10:54pm

Hi Brett. I am a software engineer by profession and my work location is 70 miles from my home town. Yes God is God and we all will understand the behavior someday.

Virginia, plz do not blame yourself so much. Your and mine stories are almost same as my mom also was not provided extensive treatment in the last few hours because dr already gave up. I guess Oncologists assume lot of things and does not want to go out of the box sometimes. But we need to accept.

You can still get answers to your questions from the doctor but finding your fault will make things worse for you. Make your regret as your strength and lets go to work. I wish we were working at the same location.

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 29, 2018 at 10:39pm

Theresa, you are not straying off course at all. I love my little Krissy so much. That little girl has me heart. Love is love. It could come in the form of our moms or in our furry little friends. I think Bluebell's suggestions are great. 

Avi, you may be a world away but it doesn't matter. You are already a friend. I agree that your English is wonderful. Better than mine. I also get the feeling that you are a doctor. That's just a feeling on my part.

I have read the Bhagvad Gita many times. We are not so far apart. God is God and he goes by many names. You are at the very beginning of your journey. In some ways that's not a bad thing. I felt closer to my mom in the early stages because her voice, face, and touch were so fresh in my mind.

And you certainly are not alone. 

Comment by Virginia G on May 29, 2018 at 10:35pm

Avi, going back to work must be so hard.  I have not done that.  Maybe it will help you though.

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