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Comment by Virginia G on June 2, 2018 at 3:58am

Thank you Bluebell,

its so hard for me because I was always the one at all the doctor appointments asking lots of questions.  In the hospital, I was avoiding the doctor because I didn’t like what he said.  My therapist said this happens a lot because we are in shock.  People who normally take good care of their loved ones don’t function as usual in the hospital then have guilt later.  Maybe you’ve seen this in your work.  That’s the word- it tortures me.

Comment by BLUEBELL on June 2, 2018 at 3:57am

The strangest thing just happened. I put a new self help book on my bed a few minutes ago, intending to start reading it before I went to sleep. When I went into my bedroom just now, a small wooden cat was on top of it. I do not remember putting it there ( why would I?) and I honestly do not know if it is one of many cat figures Mom had collected over the years. The book has never been in the vicinity of any of Mom's cat figures, so it could not have hitched a ride without me realizing it. I am not telling a tale and am not prone to imagining things. 

Bluebell

Comment by BLUEBELL on June 2, 2018 at 3:14am

Virginia.

When my Mom was in the hospital before she came home and died, she too towards the end of her 6 day stay had to be put on high flow oxygen. They were able to wean her down to just normal flow oxygen and there was talk of her being able to go home if they got her down to an certain amount, and the oxygen in her blood stayed at a good level. Over night that changed. She was back on the high flow oxygen and even that was not keeping the oxygen in her blood at a good level. The next step was a BiPap, which essentially is a mask that is set at a pressure specific to that person's needs and assists with the breath in and the breath out. I knew that because of my Mom's condition at that point, that she would either never get off it the BiPap or would have had a tube put down into her lungs that totally breathed for her ( a ventilator or sometimes called intubation.) As a medical professional myself, I knew where Mom was headed, and that there was no return. Your Mom's Doctor knew that too about your Mom. I totally believe you did the right thing by believing the Doctor and going with what he or she said.

I have my what if's too Virginia and they have tortured me many, many times. But bottom line is that we miss our Mom's and yearn to have them here with us on this earth. It hurts like hell that they are not. 

My best to you and an infinity of comforting embraces.

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on June 2, 2018 at 2:18am

Brett and Blubell,

you are both familiar with the bipap, right?  Do you know the highest liters of oxygen it can supply?  I am still distraught about what took place in the hospital.  She was on bipap at first, then weaned off to high flow.  I asked the doctor what would’ve happened if the bipap

was put back on.  He said it would’ve given a few days maybe.  So of course now I’m wondering if she would have gotten stronger had it been put back on and why I didn’t tell them to do it.  I didn’t even think of it.  Where was my head?  I was rubbing lung pressure points on her feet.  How is that helping?  And I would have loved a few more days!  Of course, that mask is very uncomfortable.

I just don’t know what I was thinking.  It’s like I just let it happen!

Comment by Virginia G on June 2, 2018 at 2:05am

Happy Birthday Brett!  Are you going to tell us how old you are?

I know you are especially missing her today (even though you do everyday).  Maybe you’ll have a nice dream about her.  I bet I know what you wished for.

Comment by Avi on June 2, 2018 at 1:56am

So sorry Brett. Your mother was a courageous lady for sure.

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 2, 2018 at 1:05am

As a kid I always knew that my mother would die one day. Heck, I knew that I would die one day. too. But that just seemed like so far into the future that it wasn't even worth worrying about. I pictured myself being an old man with a wife and grown kids of my own when mom's time came. That didn't happen.

My mom died of COPD. She had it for years and it got progressively worse but in small increments. I remember the last time we went to see her lung doctor. He explained to her that her lung capacity was diminishing. My mom said, "What happens then?" He paused for a second and said, "You die, Martha." Those words hit me like a sledge hammer. They shocked my mom as well. And I have to say... he is a very good man. He had always been very honest about what would happen one day. He seemed surprised that my mom would even ask such a question. One day had come. My mom was about to die. She had survived so many forms of cancer but no one survives COPD. I had watched her take breathing treatments for years, with her little dogs sitting on both sides of her. To me hearing that sound meant that medicine was keeping her lungs strong. It could only do so much though.

Comment by Avi on June 1, 2018 at 10:55pm

Happy birthday Brett. I wish I can join your party. No issues I will have my ice cream here. 

Also what you mentioned that we always thought that our mother's will be forever with us, but it was not true. When I was leaving far away from parents for 6 years I used to call only once in two days without realising that I may not be able to call her someday.

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 1, 2018 at 10:26pm

Thanks, Bluebell. I was remembering something today. When I was in high school, one year my birthday fell on a Friday. I was at the mall with my friends. I was going up an escalator to the food court. My mom was coming down an opposite escalator holding a birthday cake. She told me to come home early enough so that we could have some birthday cake together. I didn't. I stayed out late with my friends. I got home and saw that cake on the counter. Mom had not cut into it. She was waiting for me. I guess at some point she realized that I would not be coming home and went to bed.. There was a note next to the cake that read, "Happy Birthday!!"

What I wouldn't give to have that day back. My mom was waiting for me. I know there was no way that I could have known almost 40 years later I would be going through this. Back then I felt like I had forever. I was wrong.

Comment by BLUEBELL on June 1, 2018 at 8:54pm

I am glad to hear you are getting out and going to dinner. True friends are a special gift.

Bluebell

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRETT!!! Tooting of horns, fireworks and your favorite type of cake all light up with candles. Make a wish!

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