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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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Never ending 4 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Brenda Ann Jan 11.

Does it ever end? 5 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Sun Oct 29, 2018.

I miss my Mom 4 Replies

Started by Sun. Last reply by Michael Thompson Oct 28, 2018.

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Comment by BLUEBELL on May 30, 2018 at 4:53am

Boy, that was a long post. I guess I had more to say than I intended when I first started typing it

Bluebell

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 30, 2018 at 4:51am

i knew my Mom my Mom was ina lot of trouble physically the last time she was admitted to the hospital. Sometimes I think they worked hard to get her stable and admitted her the last time she went to ER, was because in my time of stress, I gave the Paramedics her last name of when she was married to my Dad instead of that that was on her Medicare card. She really did rally and there was talk of her being discharged in a day or so after being in there 6 days. But overnight, she deteriorated to the point where only a BiPap would have help her. Also, by the end of her stay, she could barely spend much time up in a chair let alone walk like she used to. She did not talk about it, but I knew she was afraid she would die at the hospital. I was by her side as much as I could be, and when I needed a break, my sister and her husband were there. She never wanted to be bed bound or have her freedom taken away by being tethered to a machine to keep her alive. We had discussed that.  I told her that the only way I could get her home was to start hospice so that she would be provided with the things she needed to keep her comfortable. She agreed. I helped coordinate things with the Hospice I work with. My sister accompanied Mom in the ambulance on her ride home because I had to make sure all the equipment needed was there. I hurt my back by moving 2 queen beds by myself, one so the hospital bed could go in her bedroom, and the other because her bed was so much newer and more comfortable than the one I had been sleeping on at night. I think possibly I wanted her bed  too was because she had been in it and I would somehow feel closer to her, but it ended up being of little comfort to me. I tried so hard her last two days of life to make her better even though she was on Hospice. I used all the nursing skills I have learned over the years both at an Acute hospital ans as a Hospice RN. But in the end, I was helpless to stop what had been put in motion. It is hard to give up the notion that by loving someone so much , we can move mountains and prevent their death. But bodies do not last forever and diseases take their toll, so God calls our loved ones home to be with him. But it hurts even though it was the best thing for them. Our Mom's are at peace now and no longer suffer the pains of being in the flesh on this earth. But that knowledge does not stop us from missing them and grieving their loss.

Bluebell

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 30, 2018 at 12:54am

Virginia, I did want to stay there. My mom gave me lifetime rights to the house. But it came to the point where I felt like I was dealing with bill collectors instead of siblings. I had to get away from them. It was toxic.

I agree with you that medical professionals should be more caring but it is almost impossible. Sheer numbers make it hard to become emotionally attached. Witnessing death after death takes it's toll. More than that... Bluebell is a Hospice nurse. What a great calling. But I imagine that even she would tell you that it's different when it's not your mom or dad. You could be the nicest person in the world and it still wouldn't be the same. Of course, I was not meant to overhear those words. They may have both been very good nurses. I don't know. That should not have been said regardless, but I imagine that jokes like that exist in every hospital. I even think that part of it is a defense mechanism, to keep an arm's length's distance. Or maybe some nurses and doctors just choose the wrong profession.

I will tell you that I once did let a nurse have it. In 2012 my mom was on life support. We were told  that she was going to die. Remarkably she rallied. The first night she was lucid, she was so excited to see all of her children gathered around her. Apparently, they had trouble getting her getting her to sleep that night. The next night a student nurse told us in a not so polite way not to get mom too excited. It was her attitude that rubbed me the wrong way. I said, "Is your mom healthy? Can you call her on the phone right now and tell her that you love her? Can you go to her house and give her a hug? Do you spend Christmas with her?" She said yes. I said, "Than you have no idea what's happening here." It made her mad I know, but that was too bad. Patients and family at a hospital are not cattle to be herded and moved along. We each have a story.

My mom was on a ventilator at that time. They were trying to slowly wean her off. Poor mom couldn't sleep because she had to take so many breaths a minute or an alarm would go off. I asked the nurse to adjust the setting. She just ignored me. Mom would be drifting off and then an alarm would go off. I would say, "Breathe Mom. " She would take a breath and the alarm would stop. This was replayed over and over. After I had asked the nurse the third time, she said, "The doctor is asleep and he gets angry if we wake him up." I'm a very big boy. I told her to call him, and if he had any issues to come to mom's room and explain them to me." That worked. The ventilator was adjusted and mom was able to sleep.

Our mom's needed an advocate. That's what we were. But there is a line. Virginia, like your mom, my mom didn't give up. Her body did.

And doctor's, with good dispositions or bad, usually can look at a case and have a very good idea what the likely outcome will be. There came a time when they knew that our moms were going to die.

Comment by Virginia G on May 30, 2018 at 12:11am

Brett,

wanted to also say that must have been so hard moving from your Moms house.  Did you want to stay there?  The comment the woman made must have made you feel good.

Comment by Virginia G on May 30, 2018 at 12:00am

Brett,

Obviously you didn’t let it bother you.  You couldn’t, you had more important things to think about.  But that is just wrong.  I’m sorry the nurse said that.  And all doctors and nurses should be caring, especially in hospitals.  It makes a huge difference.  Of course, the most important thing is their knowledge, but it’d be nice if they were all caring too.  I never liked the disposition of our oncologist and don’t think I fully trusted her.  Now I realize this just put stress on my Mom.  

My Moms cancer was misdiagnosed in the beginning as a blood clot.  Then at the end, the oncologist misdiagnosed her shortness of breath as deconditioning.  I should be full of anger but right now I’m just sad, so sad, it hurts to live.

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 29, 2018 at 11:44pm

Bluebell, the night before my mom cam home on Hospice, I was with my mom and her nurse in my mom's hospital room. I could tell that my mom had had an accident in her pants. She had lost control of her bowels. I said, "Mom did you have an accident." She said, "I think so." The nurse told me that she would get something to clean her up. She acted like it was a burden for her.

A few minutes later I walked up to the nurses desk to ask them some questions. They did not hear me walk up. I heard one nurse joke, "That woman will be pooping in her pants for the rest of her life!" The other nurse laughed. I said, "Excuse me." They looked at me like their careers had flashed before their eyes. I just asked them some questions about my mom's dismissal in the morning. It wasn't their mom. They didn't care. That was okay though. Mom had me and I cared plenty. It's just the way life is. Just like when I lose my little dog, no one except for me will cry. I just tried to learn from that experience. I'm on Facebook every day. One of my friends will post something about one of their moms being in the hospital, and they will ask for prayers, and I will pray, but nothing has ever touched me like the loss of my own mom. There's no comparison. Sometimes I feel ashamed by that. That doctor probably was holding court. The nurses eyes probably were on him. All we can do is try our hardest to be more empathetic to those in need. I don't want to just hear. I want to listen. I pray that I can. I pray that we all can, because we each know what it's like to love and to lose something so precious.

Comment by Virginia G on May 29, 2018 at 11:37pm

Once the ICU doctor came in and asked my Mom what her understanding was of what was going on. She looked at him and said “you aren’t going to like my answer.”  He asked why.  She said “ I want the procedure and I’m going to get better.”  She never gave up.

Comment by Virginia G on May 29, 2018 at 11:31pm

Avi,

the ICU dr said if they did a procedure, to do it safely she would have had to be on a ventilator.  The oncologist previously told us if you have cancer in your lungs and are put on one, you won’t come off.  The doctor also told me he didn’t think the procedure would help anyway.  I still wonder what if she could have gotten through it without the ventilator and it helped?  I should have told him to do it.

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 29, 2018 at 11:22pm

There was a time when 30 years of age was considered a long life. Medical science has come a long way. Doctor's can do amazing things but they will always have limits. My mom could be alive today if she were on a ventilator, but what kind of life would that be? There came a point when my mom lost her quality of life, and though she smiled for my sake, there probably came a time when she lost her will to live.

Virginia, I'm not a doctor. I know that radiation and chemo kept my mom alive for quite a while but it also wreaked havoc on her body. In the end it was fair to say that the treatment also contributed to her death. We were robbing Peter to pay Paul. I tried to keep my mom here for me. I finally let her go for her.

Comment by Avi on May 29, 2018 at 11:21pm

Virginia

I faced similar situation when dr in the ICU told me that we cannot put her on ventilator as it will not make much sense. But I asked them to do what best they can do now and they talked to the oncologist. I wish I would have been more specific asking them more questions but I thought that the people in ICU are more trained than me. But those people are not emotionally connected to the patient so they may only follow what they have been taught.

I understand your concern and guilt and hope if I can help you in anyway. 

 

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