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Comment by katrina on March 21, 2011 at 12:34am

Kate,

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.  my mom died January 10, 2011. I miss her so much.  I think about her often, and I am deeply hurt by her passing. I know my mom would want me to go on and be happy, and I'm sure your mom would want you to be happy. Letting go is the hardest part for me.  I have to remember to take it one day at a time. 

Comment by Denise Murphy on March 20, 2011 at 11:37pm

Kate,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom, I to loss my mom who was my best friend.  It is something you don't get over you just get through it and learn to live with it.  I can tell you from experience it does get better, I thought I would never feel joy again and I did.  There is no time line on grief, it is different for everyone. 

You can not change anything that has already happened, worring about it will not change it.  Something that comforted me and brought me back to reality was a scripture from the bible Isaiah43:18-19 The Lord said, "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old, behold I will do a new thing.  Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"  Learning from the past is useful. Dwelling on the past is destructive.  I'm sure your mom wants you to take care of your family and live a happy and joyful life.  You took care of her until the end but now you need to take care of yourself.  Another thing that might help you is keeping a journal, it helped me tremendously. And prayer!  I hope this helps you,

I will keep you in my prayers

God Bless,

Denise

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 20, 2011 at 11:00pm

Hi Kate,

In reading your post, what stands out to me is the guilt you're feeling for not being diligent in looking into a liver transplant and not being more effective in changing your mother's life.

 

Although I obviously don't know the medical circumstances of your mother's life, none of the patients I served in hospice with hep c or other liver diseases were able to qualify for a transplant. By the time the disease was discovered and with the huge backlog of potential recipients who were otherwise healthy, they were never even were placed on the transplant list. Although I'm not a physician, I think your mother's alcoholism would have disqualified her for a transplant.

 

As for the guilt you feel about not being more effective in getting your mother to change. Change, whether it involves something a simple as procrastination or as difficult as alcoholism isn't possible unless the person is willing to change. Often, despite the protestations from those they love and don't want to hurt, there are just too many forces holding them back.

 

It's a natural reaction saying to oneself, "If only I ....." A very wise Buddhist monk once said to me, "we do the best we can given the circumstances of our lives." I've found "If only" statements rarely do anything for someone other than make them feel guilty about events they most likely had no control over. I hope this helps,

Take Care,

Stan

Comment by Kate Haas on March 20, 2011 at 10:42pm

Its pretty amazing to see that there are other people that actually understand. I feel like I've been on this island, in a very dark place for so long, and this might be the light I've been searching for. I'm 33 and I lost my mom when I was 27 but in some ways, it still feels like it just happened. She was my best friend. I had just bought my first home and moved away from her (only about 10 minutes away) but we were still joined at the hip. Her and my dad divorced when I was 8 and my brother lives far away so it was just me and her. Her liver disease caused by her long battle with alcoholism and hep C finally became too hard for her to hide and I was thrown into an absolute nightmare, watching her lose her mind, her control, and her life in about a week. I guess I always knew she was sick but never thought I'd lose her. I was so tired and confused and scared in that last week that I didn't even research anything that may have helped her, like a liver transplant. I just sat there useless and watched her vitals drop to nothing. If I would only have had the courage to lead an intervention, or at least tried harder to get her to change, she's be here now to meet my 3 amazing kids that she would have loved so much. My life would be so different. I wouldn't feel so empty and lonely. I have a wonderful husband and family and I feel like I can't allow myself to enjoy them because I'll lose them sometime too. I've tried reading, and support groups, and counseling, and nothing has helped. I feel so lost. I just need to know what to do to change so I can be happy again and give my family a better wife and mom.

Comment by Nancy Eve on March 12, 2011 at 8:10am

Last night I dreamed about my mom for the first time since she died in June.  I've been asking for a sign or to dream about her ever since she died.  I was so happy to dream about her.  In the dream she came back home to be with me, and said that she was home to stay.  She was sitting in her recliner just like always, and was her regular self.  I felt so happy to be with her.  She asked me not to tell anyone else in the family for right now, because she wanted to be with just me for right now.  It was a very short dream, but I was so glad to have it.

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on March 11, 2011 at 2:05pm

I'm sorry for your loss Dana...my mom's birthday was March 6, but I was ok....its not easy....I have been ok about it lately, which I am glad for....I know how you feel....my mom would have been 80

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 10, 2011 at 4:04pm

Hi Dana,

 

My experience has been that there comes a time when those who grieve need to make a decision: to remain within their grief, or look for ways of ending it.

 

Unfortunately, many approaches talk about waiting until it just loses it's intensity. I've never seen that work with the family members of those I've served in hospice nor with private clients. What I found is that most people who either transformed their grief, got through it, or replaced it with a joy they thought would never reappear, was to look for the emotion(s) that disappeared when their loved one died. For some, it did mean a literal replacement (e.g., a new husband), but for most the lost emotion was replaced by different relationships or activities (e.g., a husband who lost his wife who made him feel needed, became a volunteer for a homeless shelter). Identifying the emotions is the first step. The next is identifying where it might occur. Hope this helps.

 

Take Care,

Stan

Comment by Dana LaPaglia on March 10, 2011 at 3:17pm

Hi Everyone, Sunday March 6th was the second anniversary of my Moms death! I was dreading it so much, I knew everything about her death would come flooding back and it did. I miss her so much! my Mom my Best Friend, I often go and sit in her room well My Parents room just to feel closer and I do even though their room is in my house it still gives me comfort! next month April 19th is the 2nd Anniversary  of my Dads Death, it just seems to never end the pain an the hole that is in Your Heart.... I miss You Mom!!!

Comment by Nancy Cahn on March 9, 2011 at 7:10pm

My mom and I always sang together.  Today I heard a song we used to sing together and it felt like a knife through my heart.  I always talked to my mom about musicals, last week I listened to "Guys and Dolls," and the first thought was to call my mom and ask her if she liked that musical.....then I realized I'll never know and a great great saddnes rose up inside me.

Comment by Nancy Eve on March 9, 2011 at 5:34pm

Katrina, I lost my mom in June, and sometimes, I still can't believe she is gone.  I still expect to see her walk in the door.  The pain in my heart is so heavy that some days I feel that I'll never feel any relief.  She was my best friend, and we did so many things together.  Everything reminds me of her.  People say that if you look you will see signs that she is still around.  I don't see anything.  I haven't had any dreams about her.  I wish I did.  I miss her so much.  I guess I don't have anything consoling to say.  People say it get easier.  I just hope it does. Nancy

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