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Comment by Janet Eccles-Scheffel on December 23, 2011 at 8:21am

I lost my dear mother Labor Day weekend this year. She was 88 so it should not have come as a surprise, but it did. While she had not been exactly sick for the last few years, she had not really been well. She went into the hospital in August with kidney problems that were causing her to go into congestive heart failure. The decision as made to put her on dialysis and she was moved to a nursing home until she was strong enough to go home. She worked hard to get strong as she really wanted to just be home. Just 3 days before her passing she was evaluated and the doctors thought she would be going home within a week. Then the call came that she had passed away. So, as you see we were surprised. She had been doing so well but I guess her heart just could not take it. This, along with other factors, has completely thrown my life into turmoil. She and I were particularly close and I was there every other weekend to spend time with her and run errands. I am trying to just get through this holiday with my sanity intact. It doesn't help that I just started a new job that has turned out to be the worst decision I have made in a long time. I am constantly in tears, or on the verge of them. I am either too sick to my stomach to eat, or I binge. I remember going through many of these same things when my dad died, but I am not 8 years old anymore. I feel like I should be handling this better but all I want to do is sleep.

Comment by Lisa Gladieux on December 21, 2011 at 7:26pm

Wow!  So many of you have posted some powerful statements.  My mother's death was both horrifying and peaceful...I'm not sure how those two words can co-exist, but they do for me.  I hated seeing her in pain, miserable on daily basis, losing hope and suffering and therefore, I was at peace that she was heading into the arms of Jesus.  It was horrifying, because I knew I would be without a mom, a wonderful one at that.

Patrick, you made a comment that was so profound and it was when you made the comment about not feeling "enough".  Strange because even though I'm coming up on the month anniversary of her death, I can laugh, enjoy myself, look forward to Christmas, etc...why, because that's what my mom would have expected and because I feel God has given me that peace.  However, to some people they perceive this as it I've "moved on", gotten "over it".  That is FAR from the truth, I still grieve and heal at the same time.  I wish you all could have known my mother...she was amazing!  I AM strong and AM healing, but I also still hurt.  Call me human.  Hugs, Lisa

 

Comment by Sue Waxman on December 20, 2011 at 9:12am

Dear Sandra,

I have to tell you I agree with you. My last memory of my mom is the life draining out of her face. Death is ugly. I watched my darling mother go from being a vibrant and living woman to a shell of a body just deteriorating before me. That bastard cancer. How many people has cancer devoured. I am starting to remember mom healthy and it makes me cry. Not happy. Cancer devoured her. When my mom died it was the single most horrible experience of my life - and I have had several to compare it to trust me. When the phone rings now...I say screw it...moms dead so I don't care who is calling. I use to talk to her on the phone throughout the day - every day of my life. Yesterday was our birthday - I bought her roses and pu them next to her picture. Our first birthday apart. Her in heaven...me on earth. I got home from work and there was a damn pointsetta on my porch. My mean, ugly sisters sent it to me with the note "Thinking of you on this special day - Love Syd and Stacey". I had held it together all day...until they once again did something to cut through me like a knife. A phone call would have been way to hard for them. The pointsetta was to make THEM feel better. Their easy way out...to tell themselves that they remembered. There was a card in my mailbox from Syd ...I tore it up and threw it in the garbage. I started to cry...but them moms sister my Aunt called me and helped me put it back together. She said don't let them in your heart or head - not today. Then...I called Melissa our friend on this site and we chatted. She has so much on her plate. Such a strong person you are Melissa. Yesterday was my rebirth - my 56th birthday. No more people hurting me, using me. No more me being a victim. I am just Sue now not Mom and Sue...but I will fight this thing called "grief" and "survival". Mom was most proud of me. I know she was. We had a very special bond. Anyone want a pointsetta? Love Sue

Comment by Sandra Nichols on December 20, 2011 at 6:54am

Melissa, my mom suffered and struggled for one and a half years of in and out of emergency rooms/hospitals, our home, and a skilled nursing place. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I would take sudden death over this -the only good thing is that I always told my mom I loved her during this time. It is so hard to remember mom as she was laughting and full of energy after this past struggle. I am trying to remember her as she was at her best - that is what she would have wanted.

 

Comment by Sandra Nichols on December 20, 2011 at 6:51am

Suzanne, I don't want to go on either without my mom. I have a dog that depends on me and my sister is close by and would want me here. So, I go on. i wonder if this feeling of not wanting to go on is normal?

Comment by Melissa Broome on December 20, 2011 at 3:52am

Patrick,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother..Here you will find we all know what you are going through. Welcome! Sorry you had to join this site..But you came to the right place. I welcome you..Hugs to you! My mom and alot of the other members lost their moms to cancer as well. So we know what you had to go through. At first all I remembered was when my mom was ill and slowly fading away. It's been 8 months on the 7th.. At about the 4 or 5 months mark I was able to finally start remembering before she was so ill..Or her last moments..But those memories creep back in if I let them, I for one do not want to remember my mom like that so I push those memories back in when they come. I was also having some pretty bad dreams as well..But now they are more fonder memories. I hope that your able to relate here and find friends to help you through your journey. Take care

Melissa

Comment by Patrick Bradley on December 20, 2011 at 12:39am

The worst part of the first few weeks seems to be the shock, and the that comes with not feeling "enough".  My mom died 19 days ago.  She had cancer, which she suffered through the last two and a half years.  For the last 23 years I've known her she could always make me smile and laugh, but when I try to think of the different memories of her, I see mainly the last two years.  I mainly see the agony she lived through most recently.  I was thinking that relating what I am going through to others might help.  I guess I'll find out.

Comment by Suzanne Davis on December 19, 2011 at 7:58pm

I don't feel like I can go on without my mom.  I would rather die than be without her.  I really can't stand it any longer.

Comment by Jun White on December 19, 2011 at 4:21pm

Happy Birthday, Sue!  I hope you found a way to enjoy this special day!

Comment by Melissa Broome on December 19, 2011 at 3:30pm

Mercy, even though all death sucks..People were telling me at least you can say goodbye..Well I've been on both ends of quick and without warning and then watching my mom suffer I take quick over suffering any day. It was awful. I hope with all my heart I will never have to watch someone I love suffer again.

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