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Comment by mercy on January 12, 2012 at 6:21pm

Elaine, I know what you mean. Everything is a chore now, even breathing. Sometimes I feel like I'm holding my breath, sometimes just taking shallow breaths. I have to do it for my little girl. I have to go on living, even when I just want to die.

God Bless.

Comment by Sandra Nichols on January 12, 2012 at 1:46pm

Lisa, yes a good idea to go to the Dr. You are under lots of stress and need to take care of this. My Dr. gave me some mild sedatives that are helping when I think I'm having a heart attack or having a panic attack.  

Comment by K.T on January 11, 2012 at 7:12am

Throughout my Mum's illness I strived to work hard towards my degree, because I knew she wanted me to, I wanted to make her proud. She passed away last April and I continued putting my all into essays and exams. Now I only have a few months left and I feel so unmotivated. My Mum was my rock, my guidance! Without her I can't cope with all this stress of my degree and my job. I have 2000 words to write by tonight and a fuse just blew in the house. I'm alone, crying, in the dark, missing my Mum sooooooo much, and really willing to just give up :(

Comment by anna l. on January 11, 2012 at 1:54am

Linda it seems that alot of us are having anxiety,panic attacks since our losses.  I know what you mean about saying things here that you wouldnt say to someone face to face.  It is so nice to have a place to express how we really feel without feeling like we will bring someone else down, or they will think were crazy, or whatever.  I am so thankful to all who are here and let me just be me, angry, sad, crazy me!

 

Comment by Linda on January 11, 2012 at 1:11am

Elaine I went and picked up moms ashes today and I feel more comforted havimg her on the mantle where I can see her talk to her touch her. I know if I told anyone what I really thought I would be afraid they would want to throw me in the psych ward amd throw away the key. So unless I am on here I keep my thoughts to myself. I fly back home to indiana next week with most of moms remains for her memorial services. The closer it gets the more anxiety I have over it. After the services it will be real...... I miss her more than anything and have huge anxiety attacks every day.....

Comment by mercy on January 10, 2012 at 6:57pm

Elaine, I'm so sorry. I have those crying spells. Most of the time I cry infront of my baby, since she never leaves my side when am home. She gets so scred when I cry and she sometimes cries too, or consoles me. I hear that tears are heling, or cleansing. I don't feel the healing.

Comment by mercy on January 10, 2012 at 6:54pm

Linda, I totally understand. The people who don’t understand are those who maybe haven’t been through this road. It’s been seven months and I hate life as it is. Most of my friends and family think am crazy or dramatic since I don’t seem to be moving on. I think about death and suicide several times a day but in the midst of all the thoughts, I think of my baby Michelle and feel I have to keep living for her. If we could both just die together, it would be the best outcome; since chances of that happening are slim to none, I have to continue living one painful day after the next. I have a co-worker who has a sick mother and complains about driving one hour to go see her; she says she has to waste a whole day on account of her mom, I cry when I hear her say that, knowing I would give anything, drive anywhere to see my mom again. Don’t give up, we all have to find something to live for, I hope you find one.

 

Comment by Linda on January 9, 2012 at 11:23pm

Elaine I feel the someway. I don't like anyone going into moms room cause it still.smells.like her. My boyfriend says I need.to clean out the spare bedroom.and I.said first its not the spare bedroom its moms bedroom and I am not ready to clean it. I want it to stay as it cause what if she comes back. He gets upset cause he says she will never come back cause she is dead and I need to except that. I can't I wont I don't want to.

The funeral home called and I go pick up her remains tomorrow. I cried all day.

Comment by K.T on January 9, 2012 at 6:22pm

Oh Lisa :( You should definitely go to the doctor. It's probably just heart ache from missing her so much, mixed with anxiety. But you'll feel a lot more at peace if you go and be seen to, just in case.

As for the home videos, I know what you mean. A relative passed on an old video tape from about 16 years ago of a family holiday. When we played it, it was so surreal to see my Mum laughing and smiling and holding me. Then the tape started to break and part of the contents can now no longer be seen because it is so old :( It just breaks my heart and I regret so much not having taken more videos in the past. It never even occurred to me that one day that might be all I'd have left :'( Big hugs for you. Kelly.

Comment by Lisa Gladieux on January 9, 2012 at 5:36pm

This weekend my daughter has been watching home videos and I didn't realize how MUCH I missed my mom until I heard her voice and saw her. My heart broke, as well as my daughter's. I have a tightness in my chest that I'm not sure is related to my Mitral Valve Prolapse, maybe something with my lungs or could it stress/anxiety? Hate going to the doctor for every little thing:( All I know is that I miss my mom very much & I still hate cancer! Hugs, Lisa

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