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Comment by Martha on October 4, 2013 at 12:04pm

Dia, this is what we are here for. To grieve, to say how we feel, later on to comfort others. No need to apologize. You now belong to the family of this wonderful website with brothers and sisters that really care.

Comment by Dia -Ayesha on October 4, 2013 at 11:52am

Cynthia, Martha , Danny,

The knowledge that our parents are no longer present physically with us is scary and petrifying atleast to me it is. How can losing a parent or both not leave a deep impact. When my mother was ailing and battling for her life I went around in a daze like a zombie weeping and asking everybody around :"how am I supposed to live in this world without my mother"?. It's 2 months since my mum passed and I continue asking this asking. Navigating through this complex, cold world without the unconditional love, care, support and kindness of a mother is truly petrifying. Sorry if I sound negative , i don't mean to. Thank you.

Comment by Martha on October 4, 2013 at 11:45am

Cynthia, yes I have wondered the same thing. Danny, it is true. Now at a deeper level I feel like an adult after losing both parents. The psychological child side in me that knew Mom was there to listen to, to love us no matter what is gone. Carl Jung defined that in his work. It changes us to know there is no parental love no longer on this earthly plane. But, really at a spiritual level they are there for us, loving us, protecting us.

Comment by Danny on October 4, 2013 at 10:52am

Yes Cynthia truly is the key word you use.  From my grief work including readings etc, they say you become a true adult only when this happens.  No idea what it means though.

Comment by Danny on October 4, 2013 at 10:01am

For me I was not much into my birthday especially for many years so I won't feel it that much except Parent's day and to some extent parent's birthdays. I really miss the perspective, the conversations and assurance that was integrated into my day to day life, even though I did everything myself. All the unconditional support.  That's for me the killer.  Yes it was a sudden thing and yet, at least there was not any suffering involved at all.  Traumatic for me though.

Comment by Danny on October 4, 2013 at 3:23am

Many here had a slow decline in health of the parent.  On the other hand, sudden can be traumatic as it is completely unexpected.  It can take a while just to even start grieving.

Comment by Jeff R on October 3, 2013 at 7:30pm

When you are responsible for your Mom's care, and she finally, inevitably passes, it does feel like failure.  I'm sure many of us can identify with that.  When a parent has a terminal, or even slowly progressing ongoing condition (alzheimers, parkinsons, etc). we all do everything we can.  Sometimes for years.  And we are always trying to earn more "borrowed time".  But at some point it runs out and then the grief begins.  It will ease over time Dia, but yes, your feelings are completely normal.  We all have to adjust to the "new normal"

Comment by Dia -Ayesha on October 3, 2013 at 5:30am

Dear Lisa,

Firstly please accept my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your beloved ma-in-law.Thank you for your kindness and support.It's been just a little over 2 months since I lost my ma(mom). My life revolved around her. She battled for her life in the ICU for a week before she passed away. She passed 1 day before my birthday . Daily she would ask us her family if it was july 23 already because thats my birthday . She left us on JULY 22 , 2013. Suffice to say I will never ever celebrate my birthday again. I dont want to . All I want to do is never get out of bed. This pain , this tragedy is too much for me to bear Lisa. She was the epitome of love.Always graceful, dignified, extremely kind and caring. I took care of her for 14 years . I made it my mission to keep her healthy . She suffered from lupus and cardiomyopathy 2 complex diseases but she never complained , never questioned God or the Universe as to why she was suffering. She had a tough life full of ill health, pain , diseases and financial hardships. But always was a woman of substance . I'm mature enough to understand that we all will die. My biggest pain which haunts me constantly is : why did mom suffer so much ? Years and years of suffering. She always gave love, compassion and kindness , yet never got it in return . Why ? Why couldnt she have enjoyed good health and a long life?. Why was the last year of her life so nightmarish. In the past year she was hospitalised 9 times with a heart attack, 4-5 mini strokes, cardiac failure and ultimately an infection which claimed her life. Her final days in the ICU haunt me. This pain kills me. I was very vigilant and cautious about her health and well being . In the past 14 years her doctors had credited me for saving her life 5 times. However this time I failed . Why couldnt she have lived a little longer? Why were her last days so miserable and heartbreaking. I always promised her that:" ma till I'm alive I will always take care of you. I will never leave you. I will give up my life for you. But I failed this time. Don't get me wrong . I know we have no control over death but I feel like I let her down . I always shared her suffering and made it mine. This time she was alone , scared and vulnerable in the ICU fighting the battle of her life while we her family was kept away from her by the strict hospital rules and regulations. We fought with arrogant doctors, callous nurses and horrible rules but the bottomline is we lost my beloved ma. She died unhappy and suffering. How do I make peace with that? Somebody please help me . Thank you. Sorry for the long post.

Comment by Lisa S on October 2, 2013 at 10:30pm

I have to believe they know....my Sweet Dalia (she was my mother in law for 25 years, she was the "mother" I was meant to have), the night before she had a stroke from blood clots caused by her cancer, I was sitting on the edge of her bed saying good night like we did every night...except this time she would not look me in the eye. At first I wasn't going to say anything, but something made me ask her why she wasn't looking at me...with tears in her eyes she matter of factly told me she knew it was the last time she was going to see me and she didn't want to say good bye. Sometime during the night she had a stroke and woke up confused not even remembering how sick she was...she quickly went into a coma she passed 1 week later. Before she died we had also made an agreement that if she could make any contact with me she would, we agreed on leaves, I have found leaves in places I could have never imagined or a single leaf stuck in my drivers side window in the middle of summer in CA...I know it's Mom. Dia I so wish I could give you a magical cure to soothe your aching heart, mind and soul....I am very happy that you found this site...it will be 4 years since I lost me Sweet Dalia on Dec 28. I have been to a therapist (unfortunately not a grief counselor), this site has helped me the most. I think it is very important during the earliest period to feel like you are Not alone. Losing the one person in the world that loves you unconditionally is an enormous loss, you need to feel that there are others who can relate to your suffering, your loss. You need to know that that while today you cannot imagine a day in your future where you will ever feel joy again, you will. That the pain you feel just taking breaths will subside. It is true, all of our lives are changed forever, it is a new normal we must adjust to...and we don't want to, reading the posts from genuinely caring grievers on this site will encourage you to keep moving forward...one day, one hour and sometimes even one minute at a time...your Ma loves you and you will feel her presence, embrace it and let your emotions out. It is not good to hold it in, allow yourself to grieve.
My thoughts are with you.

Comment by Danny on October 2, 2013 at 5:58pm

It is possible that the raw grief we are going through is making them sad.  We are all trying to survive though so they can see that too I think and hope.

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