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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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Comment by SelV on January 5, 2019 at 6:22am

Thanks Brett...thank you so much for the support and encouragement. The only think I can promise for now is that I will still breathe until it is time.

Things happened before my mum passed on and after. 

1. Two weeks before Mum passed on, fridge's lamp blew and I replaced it but it did not light up. The fridge still works...half dead though. It was my mum's favourite object as she kept all her favourite perishable and non-perishable foods in it.

2. Then the wall clock stopped working. Replaced the batteries but still did not work. Had to check the mechanism and realised it was jammed. Self-repaired it.

3. Three weeks into her death, her bedroom lights(4 month old) blew. Till now I have not changed it.

4. Then in April, my reliable old CRT TV started to act up. My mum used to watch all her favourite shows on it. After I had switched it on, it will switch on and off by itself. Sometimes the screen would just go blank or full of rainbow colours. It was crazy. I had to let it go.

5. Then my trusted car gave trouble in July. My mum would always sit beside me as I drove her places. I had to kiss it goodbye like I did it to my mum before her coffin was pushed into the crematorium.

6. My mobile phone acted up in August too. I had to get a new one. 

This is classic...on 1 Jan 2019...just a few days ago, the one year old corded phone went dead. My sister-in-law bought it for her and my mum was so proud of her. 

I don't know what to make out of it but literature and some humans say spiritual energy and electricity/energy are connected. 

I am just so sad that one by one things associated with my mum died. Not only I but even these non-living things loved and missed my mother. 

Have a nice weekend everyone!

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 12:54am

Bluebell, if you are still reading... I miss you.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 12:53am

SelV, I am also a Personal Trainer. I used to live in the gym, pretty much. When mom needed me most I could no longer go there. That was okay. Mom needed me. It took me two years after my mom's death to get back there. I just didn't have the energy or motivation. That is one of the things that the throes of depression will do to you. I couldn't/wouldn't do the thing that I most enjoyed. That was a big mistake. I just came back from the gym and it felt great. It's doing the little things, getting back to the normal paces of your life, even taking a shower, cooking a meal instead of making a sandwich, all little things that add up to so much. I don't even want to brush my teeth sometimes. I really believe that all of those things are baby steps that we have to take to reclaim our lives.

Even the high I get from exercising makes me feel bad because I start feeling guilty for feeling good! As you said, "My Foot!!" My attitude about exercising, and just living my life, is what I call "Stinking Thinking."

I don't know much. I don't know how to be happy, but I do know that we have to live our lives. To find any sense of normalcy we have to do all of the little things that were once normal for us. Nothing good can come from me sitting around the house with oily hair and bad breath. 

We have to take care of ourselves. Do you yoga and your breathing exercises. Do it today. That is a great baby step.

 

Comment by SelV on January 4, 2019 at 5:29am

New year, new beginnings 'they' say...

I say...my foot!

M Adams and Brett...you shared lovely stories and wonderful experiences about your mother in one of your posts. I was very touched.

I reiterate this again Brett...you are actually a boon to your mother. Very few sons will take care of their mothers and still yearn and pine for them after their demise. I salute you!

Avi...I concur with Brett. You have a beautiful family. Somehow I feel you can see your mother in your daughter cos you are your mother's son. Talk to your daughter about her paternal grandmother...your mother's beauty, her goodness, her love for you. She needs to know.

Theresa, I too cry myself to sleep every night. Can't help it can we?

When my mother was around, I was doing yoga and pranayama(breathing exercises) for many years before going to work. Everything has come to a standstill now. Even going to work has become a drag. I will be retiring in a few years time though.

I am just existing till I cease.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 2, 2019 at 8:19pm

Theresa, I think there is more to it than not having lost their parents yet. It's a general lack of empathy that is pervasive in society. A lot of people are so wrapped up in their own lives, children, family, and career. It takes a rare and very compassionate person to be able too see how much another person is struggling. It's like we can't appreciate what it is to be hungry until you can't afford food. We don't know what it means to have shelter until you lose it. It's a real lack off compassion. And it's kind of scary, because if you are on the outside looking in, help is hard to find.

Comment by Theresa on January 2, 2019 at 6:22am

Avi, you know meditation is wonderful, I need to get back to yoga, it did wonders for me after my mom passed.

Brett I agree with everything you say, I am happy to have somewhere to go an express my sorrow, my friends, family don't care, you know why because my friends have no idea they still have both parents.......

Comment by Avi on January 2, 2019 at 4:24am

Thanks Brett for the lovely words. 

Where is Virginia?

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 2, 2019 at 1:07am

I think those are great resolutions. Exercise makes you feel better. I love to lift, and the time that I spend in the gym is the best part of my day.

Avi, I have really high hopes for you. You have all the tools (blessings) to be happy. You lost your mom but you welcomed a child into your life. If there is anyone that we can love as much as we love our moms, it's our children. I don't have any kids, but what a blessing that would have been to have filled the void in my life with a child. You have a life partner (your wife) to go through the days with, and to spend the holidays with, someone who cares if you ate today, or if you have clean clothes or not. Someone who is waiting for you to come home safely. And someone who is only an arms length away. You have a career, a purpose. Your guilt is certainly real, and I understand it, but you obviously love your mom, and if I know that, I can guarantee you that she knows that. Allow yourself to be happy. The Lord has blessed you with an abundance.

If we (all of us) could combine all that we have, we probably wouldn't need to be on this site. I may have something that someone else wishes that they had. Some would say that I had the perfect ending with my mom. There is not a day that goes by when I don't think about Theresa's last visual of her mom. One of us, I can't remember who, found out that her mom died on Facebook. That is beyond horrible. M. Adams is dealing with the loss of both her husband and her mom. But I still have holes in my life that are bigger than the Grand Canyon. Maybe we all do. I don't know. I can only speak for myself. I hope I am alone there.

I hope and pray that the void each of us has in our life can and will be filled. I think of you all as family.

Comment by Avi on January 1, 2019 at 11:55pm

Yes Brett. Agree. 

Today I start the first day in office with below resolution 
MMS (Meditation, Muscle i.e. to exercise and Smile). I hope all these help overcome my grief and guilt. 

Wishing you all a great year ahead. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 1, 2019 at 12:23pm

Avi, I thought about that as I posted. We all have different experiences. Theresa didn't get to say goodbye to her mom, and I know how you feel about your last days with your mom. We have a saying in the church, "Robbing Peter to save Paul." Basically it means trading one thing for another with no clear advantage. While I did my best with my mom, I could probably list 100 other ways in which I came up short. My mom's death was like a nuclear warhead going off. I survived, but I feel like the world as I know it has been destroyed. I'm trying to pick up the pieces and am not succeeding. For all of my great memories of that time, I also have so many traumatic memories as well. And what's scary is that you realize that life doesn't wait for you to pick up the pieces. It just keeps coming at you. Quite often I just want to give up but I can't. We have to keep plugging. Somehow, we have to keep trying. 

 

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