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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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New here 3 Replies

Started by Lynn Fisher. Last reply by Brett Bowman Jul 12.

Never ending 4 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Brenda Ann Jan 11.

Does it ever end? 5 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Sun Oct 29, 2018.

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Comment by SelV on January 6, 2019 at 1:07am

No worries Brett, I only lost my peace not my mind. I get the drift.

Mum and I in our little world is in the past. I am fully aware of that.

Now, it is just me and I in this big bad wolf...oops...I mean world.

Let life throw whatever challenges at me. I had survived Mum's death. so...what could be worse?

My plate is full with work and housework...ha!

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 8:07pm

In the end I would cry too frequently in front of my mom. It worried her a lot. Once I went to a restaurant and got my mom's favorite food. She was all excited, until I put it in front of her. She wouldn't touch it. I said, "Mom, please eat something for me! Please!" She wouldn't do it. I bawled right in front of her. She tried to make it better. She told me that she had eaten part of a banana for breakfast.

Once, my sister, who rarely showed her face during mom's sickness, caught me crying in front of mom. She came into my room and told me that it was selfish of me to do that in front of mom. It was all I could do to not just pick her up and throw her out of the house. She had no idea what it was like.

But I think you understand the point that I was trying to make. At some point, you have to go on without your mom by your side. It's the cruelist thing in the world, but it has to be done. Keep her in your heart forever, but move forward. For your own sake... move forward.

Comment by SelV on January 5, 2019 at 7:09pm

"Sometimes, because she was sick, I had to stop and patiently wait for her. When she was ready I would nudge her forward and say, "let's go mom." The stops became more and more frequent. And then she just couldn't go on any farther. She died."

Brett, I can totally relate to the above. Eyes just welled up. Mum couldn't eat, couldn't walk much, couldn't even have proper conversations. She was sleeping most of the times. It was the last leg of her journey. Watching once a robust, healthy, beautiful woman turned into...

It pained me and I cried in front of her sometimes. But that old lady was a rock. She would chide and sometimes beat me with her palms in a friendly manner. She couldn't bear to see me crying. 

She doesn't know that I am still crying. She's at peace and I lost mine. 

This life journey, the longest that I took with Mum from the day I swam in her womb till I watched her(bones and ashes) 'swimming' back into the sea...taught me that the love for my mother never dies! 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 3:32pm

M, I am very familiar with that feeling of vulnerability. My mom wasn't exactly a handy person, but when something broke, my mom would have it fixed. Nothing in our home stayed broken for long. When things started  to break I felt very vulnerable. A lot of things I just didn't know how to fix. I wasn't even sure who my mom would have called when she needed repairs. I also felt like I had let my mom down. She entrusted me with that house. One thing I know for sure though. At the end of my mom's life she wasn't worried about the house. She was worried about me. She loved that house, but not like she loved me.

We sold the house. We made all of the little repairs and some big ones. I imagine that my mom could care less now. That house could have fallen down all around me. At the end of my mom's life, the only thing she wanted was that I not break down.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 3:16pm

SelV, I hope that this will make sense to you. I feel like my mom and I were on a journey. Sometimes, because she was sick, I had to stop and patiently wait for her. When she was ready I would nudge her forward and say, "let's go mom." The stops became more and more frequent. And then she just couldn't go on any farther. She died. I have to go on by myself now. I can't stay in the same place and wait for her. She's not coming.

Comment by M Adams on January 5, 2019 at 3:07pm

For me, feelings about things breaking and needing repair after bereavement seem to have been all mixed up.  When my husband died I found myself compelled to fix all kinds of broken things, chinaware, crystal and glass, wooden, cloth, all sorts of things that had been damaged and put aside.  At the same time I felt and feel tragic and incapacitated about bigger things that I couldn’t fix on my own inside the house.  The fence collapsed, problems developed with the car that my husband loved, the brick front stairs cracked, boards failed in the porch floor, one of the electrical switches in the bathroom broke, the receiver in my husband’s sound system suddenly went dead, the windowbox fell off...I haven’t arranged to fix any of these, feel like I can’t face it.  Just keep living in the increasingly broken environment.  Of course I’m not here much but it’s not just because of that, it’s a feeling of vulnerability.  At the same time, having your home become increasingly exposed with collapsed fences and so on also makes you feel vulnerable and literally exposed.  Since my mother’s death I notice the same desire in myself coming back again...find myself at my parents place buying special glues to fix various broken things, polishing silver, etc.  Very upset when my father kept advocating throwing everything in the trash, like he wants to throw our life, my mother, our whole history away.  My reaction is not reasonable, I know, but when I saw the Christmas ornaments restored and back on display, I felt better and it’s possible that my father did too.  I noticed he sent a bunch of pix of the restored Mrs. Santa and her reindeer, etc., to sundry friends and relatives, anyway.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 10:12am

SelV, a lot of similar things happened to me. In my case I don't believe it was energy. I think it was lack of energy on my part to not fix those things. Our motion lights outside the house died first. Replacing light bulbs is a natural part of life, but every time one died, I felt like I had lost another part of my mom. The big one for me was when an ice tea maker shorted out. My mom had given that to me as a Christmas present the year before she died. She was really proud of it because, somehow she was able to get in her car and go buy it without me knowing. That was the last Christmas present she had gotten me. I cried like a baby before throwing it away. I felt like I was throwing a part of my mom away. More and more, appliances that I still have, that once belonged to my mom will die. That is always hard. It is especially hard in the beginning, because it means that the life I had with my mom is going away. It's no picnic now either.

Comment by SelV on January 5, 2019 at 6:22am

Thanks Brett...thank you so much for the support and encouragement. The only think I can promise for now is that I will still breathe until it is time.

Things happened before my mum passed on and after. 

1. Two weeks before Mum passed on, fridge's lamp blew and I replaced it but it did not light up. The fridge still works...half dead though. It was my mum's favourite object as she kept all her favourite perishable and non-perishable foods in it.

2. Then the wall clock stopped working. Replaced the batteries but still did not work. Had to check the mechanism and realised it was jammed. Self-repaired it.

3. Three weeks into her death, her bedroom lights(4 month old) blew. Till now I have not changed it.

4. Then in April, my reliable old CRT TV started to act up. My mum used to watch all her favourite shows on it. After I had switched it on, it will switch on and off by itself. Sometimes the screen would just go blank or full of rainbow colours. It was crazy. I had to let it go.

5. Then my trusted car gave trouble in July. My mum would always sit beside me as I drove her places. I had to kiss it goodbye like I did it to my mum before her coffin was pushed into the crematorium.

6. My mobile phone acted up in August too. I had to get a new one. 

This is classic...on 1 Jan 2019...just a few days ago, the one year old corded phone went dead. My sister-in-law bought it for her and my mum was so proud of her. 

I don't know what to make out of it but literature and some humans say spiritual energy and electricity/energy are connected. 

I am just so sad that one by one things associated with my mum died. Not only I but even these non-living things loved and missed my mother. 

Have a nice weekend everyone!

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 12:54am

Bluebell, if you are still reading... I miss you.

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 5, 2019 at 12:53am

SelV, I am also a Personal Trainer. I used to live in the gym, pretty much. When mom needed me most I could no longer go there. That was okay. Mom needed me. It took me two years after my mom's death to get back there. I just didn't have the energy or motivation. That is one of the things that the throes of depression will do to you. I couldn't/wouldn't do the thing that I most enjoyed. That was a big mistake. I just came back from the gym and it felt great. It's doing the little things, getting back to the normal paces of your life, even taking a shower, cooking a meal instead of making a sandwich, all little things that add up to so much. I don't even want to brush my teeth sometimes. I really believe that all of those things are baby steps that we have to take to reclaim our lives.

Even the high I get from exercising makes me feel bad because I start feeling guilty for feeling good! As you said, "My Foot!!" My attitude about exercising, and just living my life, is what I call "Stinking Thinking."

I don't know much. I don't know how to be happy, but I do know that we have to live our lives. To find any sense of normalcy we have to do all of the little things that were once normal for us. Nothing good can come from me sitting around the house with oily hair and bad breath. 

We have to take care of ourselves. Do you yoga and your breathing exercises. Do it today. That is a great baby step.

 

 

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