I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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Started by Edger. Last reply by BLUEBELL Dec 21, 2017.

It's hard to accept ,my mother is no more 5 Replies

Started by Ambreen. Last reply by Theresa Dec 19, 2017.

Its hard accepting my mother's death 8 Replies

Started by Crystal K. Last reply by Crystal K Oct 23, 2017.

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Comment by Theresa on December 3, 2017 at 6:16am

Bluebell such a lovely picture!!!!

Brett someone once said to me you think the first year is hard, the second is harder.

Should I say this is three Christmas's without my mom because she died on 12/19, like I said the first year I was in a fog and complete haze.

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 3, 2017 at 1:51am

What Bluebell's post proves to me is that there is never a good time to lose your mom. I recently lost a great aunt who was 101. I think that her children felt just as much pain as someone who loses their mom at a young age. I would have loved for my mom to have lived to be 95 or 101 because that means that she would still be alive, and if my mom had made it to 101, I would have been pretty old myself. Now I feel like I have a really long wait to see her again. But we never know, tomorrow isn't promised to anyone, and I have noticed that I have picked up some very unhealthy habits. Like I eat what I want now. I imagine that somewhere deep down I am trying to hasten the process. I don't want to live to be 100. Not even close. I miss my mom too much for that. Maybe that will change some day. I don't see how. That's why I pray. I pray that there can be happiness and security in this life even without my mom. And the finality of it all is overwhelming. To know that I will not see my mom again in this life is beyond deflating. My mom wouldn't have wanted this for me, but I cannot help how I feel. I could lie to myself and go through the motions, but the grief would catch up to me one day. Folks will say, "Your mom wouldn't want for you to feel this way." Well, guess what? I'm not crazy about it myself.

This will be my second Christmas without my mom, but people actually act like I should feel better now because this isn't the first Christmas. That's insane. Grief isn't on the clock. I'll feel better when I feel better. I believe that I even feel worse now than I did at this time last year because it has been a longer amount of time that I have not been able to see my mom. 

Comment by Luisa Salter on December 3, 2017 at 1:10am

Bluebell your mother had the sweetest most genuine smile. Thank you for sharing that adorable picture.

This last week since Thanksgiving has been a whirlwind. I drove to my Mom's sister's in Bellingham WA for the holiday with my 11-year old daughter. My brother was there also and a cousin whom I haven't seen in a few years. I was afraid that it might be hard going there because I have never been to my Aunt's before when my Mom wasn't there. But it was really comforting to be with my Aunt, because she misses Mom as much as I do. I only really feel apart once, on the Saturday after the holiday when we went shopping at a craft fair. They had musicians performing and one woman sang Wind Beneath My Wings. I just started crying so hard. That song really describes what my Mom means to me. Anyway, we came back from my Aunt's Sunday, and went back to what ended up being a really stressful work week.  Bluebell it sounds like you are a nurse, and I am one too. I love my job and feel so blessed that God put me here. However, I also really relate to you when you talk about how sad it can be.

So today is really the first day that I've had some time to decompress. Brett I heard you mention earlier that you struggle with the concept of never seeing your Mom again in this lifetime. This is what I struggle with too. My Mom was young, only 68. I'm 39, my daughter is 11. Sometimes when I think about living the rest of my life without her, the best way I can describe what I feel is a sort of fear and panic. I am also very aware of other adults talking about their parents who are still living, often people much older than I. I know I'm not a child but I feel too young to be without a Mom. I feel that I still need her here. I feel angry that she's gone and angry at myself for not doing more to help her improve her health before she became so ill. I wonder if we should have taken her off of hospice and tried to give her a longer life. I wonder if I had cut back more on work to take care of her instead using hired caregivers so much, she would have lived longer. 

The truth is, taking care of my Mom, seeing her suffer, was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Spending too many hours with her, seeing her body waste away, not being able to get her to eat, seeing her zonked on morphine because otherwise she felt so short of breath, was sometimes more than I could bear. I would watch her sleep and just cry, because I knew that she was going to leave me and I was powerless over that. I have great admiration for those of you who lived with your Mom's and took care of them 24/7. That is a huge act of love. I am very grateful that I got to be with my Mom, lying next to her in the moment she left this world, as painful as it was, and the memory still is. I was by her side for the days before, and she was so uncomfortable. She just wanted it to be over, and she said as much to the Hospice nurse. I told Mom, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It is so hard for you. And Mom said to me "We're doing it together". She understood how hard it was for me, and she was with me, too. 

Comment by Sherri on December 2, 2017 at 12:08pm
I agree Bluebell I find it hard so I know each one of us has this problem. I can't imagine not having somewhere to go when your ready. My heart breaks for you.
Comment by BLUEBELL on December 2, 2017 at 11:50am

I have no place to visit my Mom because she was scattered at sea. That was her wish. I find that hard. I think none of this is easy to deal with for most of us.


Comment by Sherri on December 2, 2017 at 11:07am
I haven't visit my my house where her urn is also Brett my mom was you she was only 65 I find it too hard also Brett
Comment by Brett Bowman on December 2, 2017 at 11:05am

How wonderful that she lived such a long life.

I have not been able to visit my mom's grave. That would be too much right now.

Comment by BLUEBELL on December 2, 2017 at 10:43am

Thank you Sheri. I think so too. I miss her so much!


Comment by Sherri on December 2, 2017 at 9:11am
Comment by BLUEBELL on December 2, 2017 at 8:42am

I know it is small, but this is a picture of my Mom at age 97 on Mother's Day. She is holding the flowers that my brother sent her. She looks so happy. This is how I want to picture her and forget her final hours on this earth when she was suffering.



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