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Comment by Mary on February 25, 2013 at 10:57pm

I haven't been on here much lately, I think partly because I read the posts everyone makes and it makes it all come flooding back and then the tears overtake me again. Thursday will mark the one year anniversary of when I knew my life would forever Be changed, it was the day they diagnosed my mom with a brain tumor and died just 21 days later on March 22, 2012. For those who have just recently lost your moms, I assure you that the overwhelming pain and debilitating sadness will get better, but it takes time. At the 10 month mark I thought that maybe I was finally through the tears, well at least the overwhelming tears, but I cried for 3 days straight. Even at this point I know I am not over my grief and actually I really don't think you ever stop grieving for someone you loved so much. What saddens me so much is I am loosing the sound of her voice in my head, The feeling of her hugs is fading. I guess I had this Hollywood idea of being able to feel her with me and her being this guardian angel whose presence I could feel, I mean really feel and yet I feel nothing, and I really don't understand that because she and I were so very close. It's just hard to explain.

Comment by Eliza on February 25, 2013 at 10:10pm

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I am trying to remember that I don't have to "bounce back" and I need to release this grief and sadness. Been crying many days in a row now, and it is a release. The sadness, the depth of the loss is unbelievable. How can this be? I miss her so, so much.
Jamie, I ferl your pain. Like you, I never thought I'd be dealing with my mom's death in my 30s. It's an unfair hand to be dealt.

Comment by Ann on February 25, 2013 at 9:17pm

My beautiful mother.  I know I will be with her again, that's what keeps me going for now.

Comment by Helder Silva on February 25, 2013 at 6:34pm

My mom passed away on January 26th of this year and I had no idea something could hit me so hard and cause so much pain that never goes away. I struggle to deal with the suffocating feelings of sadness, regret and guilt. I close my eyes and memories of her play in my mind from childhood until she passed away.

The most painful part is the week of her passing away. I keep playing it over in my mind and I feel that there's something I could have done to prevent her death. Maybe if I had spoken to the nurses at the nursing home, or insisted she go to the hospital for a checkup. So much guilt and it's compounded with the guilt that I feel for leaving to be with my wife across the country eight years ago. I felt like I abandoned her then and, after her funeral, I felt I was abandoning her again when I flew back home.

Like most people here, I keep having the urge to pick up the phone and hear her lovely voice. Their is so much I need to say to her and I need to hear her voice. The world doesn't seem like the same place anymore without my mom....she has always been in my world since time began as I know it.

I would always call my mom when I needed her and she would say all the right things and would be very comforting. It seems nature is cruel because the one person in this world that could make the hurt go away has been taken from me. Now I'm drifting like a ship without a rudder not knowing which port I'll end up next, or if I'll just drift forever.

Sorry for my long ramble.

Miss you and love you so much Mom! You gave me my life and I'll forever be grateful. <3

Comment by Jaime Blythe on February 25, 2013 at 4:25pm

So very, very true Lucy. Moms truly are awesome. To go thru all that they do to just conceive us, then go through the pregnancy, and the labor and delivery and raising us to be great and caring people. It certainly isn't easy being a mom, it definitely is a real job.

Comment by Lucy Russo on February 25, 2013 at 4:08pm

Jamie - I feel the same way - my mom left me big shoes to fill and I don't think I can either. I guess we should be great full for having such great moms in our lives but it sure makes the loss unbearable.

Comment by Jaime Blythe on February 25, 2013 at 4:02pm

Sonia, they are all right about the year of firsts, I hated my birthday this past year. Turning 31 without my mom really sucked. Halloween, thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, valentines day all have been so rough already. My mom would have been celebrating her 55th birthday on March 1. I can't believe she's gone.

Lucy, I'm with ya on not knowing what to do about Easter. Mom made it so special,I'm not sure what to do.

All in all every one of our moms left us all big shoes to fill. My mom left some huge ones for me to fill and I don't know that I'll ever be able to fill them.

Jennifer, it is comforting to know that none of us are alone.

For so long I wondered if I was going crazy but now I know I'm not and its just the grief.

Comment by Marie on February 25, 2013 at 3:31pm

We marked the 2nd year of my mom's death on Saturday at the cemetery. She died Feb. 23, 2011. The day of her funeral it poured down raining. It was also raining on Saturday. I still play back the hours, moments before she died like it was yesterday. I can vividly remember every word she spoke, every sound she made, and every emotion that I was feeling. I still cannot go into a hospital without crying. I hate the smell, the furniture, just hate everything about it!

I don't know when this gets better. My mom was my best friend in this world. She was the most important person in my life, and now she is gone. Forever. It's just so heartbreaking.  Every time I get upset or have a bad day, for other reasons, it makes me more upset knowing she is not here to run to.

I am grateful for my family and friends who have gotten me through these last few years. Without them I would truly be a lost soul in this world. I still ask myself every so often when this cruel joke is going to be over. It just does not seem real. I am not sure it ever will.

Thanks for this group. It is helping so much to know other people relate.

Comment by Sonia Skipper Protheroe on February 25, 2013 at 1:07pm

after almost 8 months i still get the urge to call or text my mom. I miss her soooo much. I finally got to the point that i could look at my moms ashes. I thought that I would be ok but as i sat there holding the box the tears started to flow. I wish i could hear her voice and see her smile. I take comfort that she is in a better place now and she is not suffering. My birthday is coming up and this will be the first one without her here. everyone has told me that the first year is always the hardest, if that is the case i wish that the first year was over already. I MISS YOU MOMMY.

Comment by Lucy Russo on February 25, 2013 at 12:48pm

Jamie - I'm worried about Easter too. My mom loved Easter and always made Easter treats and a great dinner. Now what do I do? I know she would want me to continue those tradtions but I don't know if I can. I just don't feel I have the strength. I think many people thought of me as tough and strong but really I'm not. I have no idea how to get through this.

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