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Comment by Jean on May 20, 2015 at 12:45pm

My favorite author Elizabeth Berg Lost her mother recently and she posted this on her FB page. I highly recommend her novels.

The other day, a woman told me she was sorry to hear about my mother's death. I thanked her. And then she told me that it had been over twenty years since her mother died, and she still felt the loss. "Really?" I said. And then, "Oh, no."
I think I had assigned myself an arbitrary time to grieve, and a time to stop grieving. Things are not working out quite as planned.
It feels to me now that grieving is like walking through a maze. You think you've found the way out but th...en you discover that you have not. You need to go back. You need to try another way. And you need--and this is very, very hard for me--to accept that you are not exactly in control of the process.
I told a friend who is on her way to see her nearly 100-year-old mother today that maybe she should give her an extra kiss when she sees her. And maybe my friend will. Maybe she won't.
If there's anything this loos has taught me, it's the lesson of not letting opportunities go by. It seems we can't help doing it, letting opportunities go by. We are programmed to think there will be another day, another time, until suddenly--and permanently-- there is not. I have been spending a lot of time with guilt and regret, wondering why I didn't call to check in with my mom every day, especially after my dad died and she lived alone. I think I thought, Oh, there's nothing to say, really. I'll call after a few days, when there's something to say. But there was something to say, and it did not take the form of the words in any given conversation. Rather, it took-or could have taken--the form of my mom knowing that I cared, that I loved her, that I was just making sure she was all right. I did not do that, and my regret about it weights so heavily on my heart. Whew, it's heavy.
I know the cure for me is time and forgiveness of self. It seems a long way off. It seems as though a maze I thought was one size has revealed itself to be much bigger and more complex.
I was out with my mom one day when I was a little girl about 7 or 8,, and we came upon a man begging on the street. He was a double amputee, both legs missing below the knee. I had never seen such a thing. It seemed so cruel, so absolutely understandable that such a thing should be visited upon someone. Why had this happened? The man was sitting on a blanket, hiis pants legs neatly folded beneath his stumps. He wore tan pants, a white shirt, and a white straw hat. We walked past him and got into the car, and I burst into tears. My mother, knowing me to be the oversensitive individual that I was, wrapped some change in Kleenex, pressed it into my hand, and told me to give it to the man. I walked over to him, my face read and blotchy, and wordlessly gave him the money. And he looked up at me with a glorious smile on his face--I can still see it so clearly--and said, "Thank you, little lady."
When you want to take best care of yourself, it seems the thing to do is to take care of someone else. There's the salve for today.

Comment by charity wolf on May 20, 2015 at 9:54am

Hi everyone,

 so sorry for all our losses:(  My Mama died in January. She had a very traumatic brain disease. When we found out, she only had a month and a half of life left. She was in my home whrn she passed and I watched her take her last beautiful breath. she was like a butterfly, gently flying away. Caring for her was the biggest blessing of my life. I believe it is what my soul came here to do. That said, my bday is tomorrow and wow, I am a mess. bithdays in my family are a big deal:( I just want to run away and hide, ya know? Mama was my heart song and without her to hug, just so painful. I understand the pain that feels like it will kill you.

thank you for hearing me:) I feel you all in my heart. Mama's are our links to life. we will alwaya have a hole and that has to be ok....

Comment by Jean on May 18, 2015 at 1:27am

I know that you need time to process this life alternating time. I cried and screamed into a pillow that my mother gave me right before she passed. She told me it was her mothers pillow. I hugged that pillow and screamed into it so I would not scare the neighbors. That went on for many months. Everyone grieves in their own way. I had already been getting used to the fact that my career of 30 years was gone.

Sent overseas. I can honestly say I no longer miss that job but the loss of it had me down. Then my mother got sick with aplastic anemia and I took care of her for the 3 months before she passed right here in our home. She has a room here. Taking care of her was the most fulfilling thing I have ever done in my whole life. No nursing home. We sure went to get her blood checked weekly. She never complained. She is my hero in this life and I am doing the best that I can to honor her last wishes. Not easy for me to do and it has taken me over two years to even get started. I still cry when I go into her room, every time.

I just want you to write down all of the happy memories that you and your mother shared. I am stronger but I don't think we ever get over losing mothers. It's just a void that cannot be filled.

Comment by Brielle on May 17, 2015 at 10:42pm

Thank you so much, Jean. I'm finding that even though I have really amazing friends to support me, there is nothing that really helps. I don't know how to handle this much pain, and I'm afraid of either annoying or scaring people away by talking to them too much about how I'm actually feeling, because I just don't think they understand, even though they do try. My dad is having a really hard time as well- we are both just broken. And you are right about the scary memories- sometimes I can't help but think about them and it makes it even worse.

Comment by Jean on May 17, 2015 at 10:27pm

Brielle I am so sorry you did not have enough time with your mother.

I think losing our mother no matter how much time has gone by is the worst thing anyone can go through. We never get over it. You are so young I cannot imagine your pain. I am still feeling like a child abandoned a little over two years now and I am 20 years older than you are. I was the youngest and she left me in charge of her estate. I am just now able to get my mind around that and follow that path.

You will learn to deal with the loss but so far as I can tell the pain never goes away. Try to focus on the happy memories not the scary stuff while she was sick. I have worked on doing that and it does work most of the time. If I think of the bad memories I force myself to think of a better happier memory. My father died 2 weeks before my 11th birthday. My mother was my rock. I am doing the best that I can to keep going one day at a time. Your grief is very new so take it one minute at a time and take care of you.

Comment by Brielle on May 17, 2015 at 10:12pm

I just lost my mother after her 9 year battle with different types of cancer. My mom was my best friend, and as I am sure anyone who has lost their mother knows, there are just no words for the excruciating pain I am experiencing right now. I'm only 23 years old, and I feel extremely cheated- I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I will never be able to hear her voice again or give her a hug. Every day, I want to text her, to tell her about what I'm feeling, doing, going through. I feel so incredibly alone and abandoned, and I truly don't know how to go on without her.

Comment by Nicole Zaat on May 15, 2015 at 7:03am

My mom has been gone a little over 3 weeks. My dad asked me to go with him to a GriefShare group, starting next week. I'm on the fence about it. I don't feel comfortable sharing in front of strangers and my grief is different than my dads grief. My parents were married for 50 years, and I only had my mom for 35 years. I'm right in the midst of raising little kids and I desperately miss my mom for advice on parenting or just a hug when I had a rough day. I suppose I will go, if anything to support my dad, he's having a rough time. Has anyone been to a group session for grief? Did it help?

Comment by Leila on May 14, 2015 at 10:43pm

Thank you, Nicole.

Comment by Nicole Zaat on May 14, 2015 at 10:25pm

Nancy- you are in my prayers. Hoping you get great results.

Comment by Leila on May 13, 2015 at 11:16pm

It's been a little over 3 weeks since I lost my mom to cancer (melanoma with mets to the brain). I am a retired RN and I spent the last 2.5 months prior to my mom's passing as her caregiver. I went for my counseling appt. yesterday and she feels it would help me to return to routines like shopping and cooking. The problem is that food hasn't appealed to me since the cancer first caused my mom to have a major stroke. It actually makes me feel sick to eat. How can I enjoy food when my mom suffered through so much and is no longer here on earth. We are empty nesters and Hubby is happy with take out, so I don't have to worry about cooking for a family. It used to be something I enjoyed, but now I don't.
To make things worse I went to the dermatologist for my yearly skin exam and she had to biopsy an area of probable melanoma on the back of my thigh:-(( I have to wait a week for the results. Needless to say, after seeing this horrible cancer take my mother away in less than 3 months from diagnosis, I'm quite upset. This is one of those things I would have instantly called my mom to talk about. Now I can only talk to her in heaven.

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