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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

Members: 731
Latest Activity: Sep 9

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New here 3 Replies

Started by Lynn Fisher. Last reply by Brett Bowman Jul 12.

Never ending 4 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Brenda Ann Jan 11.

Does it ever end? 5 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Sun Oct 29, 2018.

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Comment by Sue Toler on August 8, 2019 at 3:04pm

Brett, I am so sorry for what you have gone through.  Your grief support group sounds like the one I thought about going to.  A friend that just lost her Mom is going to start the group, but she had a bad experience in the past with a support group.  I know my Mom is gone, I am so aware of the loss.  I don't need reminders like that.   It would just make the pain worse.  That is terrible what your girlfriend said.  I don't feel that way.  I have to believe my parents are safe & at peace.  I believe your Mom is in a safe place & at peace.  I just try to tell myself I know my parents would want me to go on, but it is so hard at times.  Take care, 

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 8, 2019 at 2:03pm

We lost more than half of our class. Sometimes what a person needs is specific, and one size does not fit all. The homework just made me miserable. The first week we had to write a letter to our loved one and tell them what we miss about them. The next week we were to set a plate at the dinner table for our loved one. I don't see how any of that would help. It sure didn't help me. It just made things worse. I guess the point is to help you face what you are feeling. I needed no help there. I can understand why some therapists may not like those classes. The person who volunteers to lead the class may not be qualified to take on such a heavy subject.

The counselor I saw was no better. She would push daily affirmations. I can tell myself that I like myself all day long. That doesn't make me miss my mom any less.

What I need is to replace the love that I no longer have. That's hard to find. The day after my mom died, my girlfriend at the time, told me not to talk to my mom out loud because mom was probably in purgatory. That was a horrible thing to say. The problem is that you can't just manufacture love. You just can't pick a random person. It has to be real.

I sure do not get it from my remaining family. A couple of days after my mom died, my sister actually asked me if mom and I had ever had sex. I hung up on her. That's my family.

Comment by Sue Toler on August 8, 2019 at 12:51pm

I thought about going to a grief support group in the area, but never did.  It is through a church here.  The counselor I went to wasn't very positive about support groups.  A friend went to a support group & it was a very negative experience for her.  She never went back.  Having a support system that really cares & understands would be great.  It is terrible when the people or groups that are supposed to help end up making it worse.  It hurts to see others hurting & I would never want to say or do something that makes their pain worse.  

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 8, 2019 at 12:28pm

One of the issues that I have with almost any kind of counselor is that they are being paid. They are not emotionally invested. I guess if you find the right one you can still get some great advice, but there is something discouraging about having to pay someone to listen to you.

The grief class that I attended was through the church as well. We would meet for one hour a week and the person who ran the class would rush us through it so that it wouldn't go over an hour. Not everyone got to talk. We would go from one topic to the next too quickly. And I did realize that all of us could offer advice to the others without filter. It only takes one person who thinks his brand of pain is worse than yours to ruin a class.

All of this is why I think a real support system is so important. It would be great if the person who is there for you also loves you dearly.

Comment by Sue Toler on August 8, 2019 at 8:59am

My Mom was 91 when she passed & her age didn't matter.  She was my Mom.  If she had been 101, I would not have been ready.  That was so cruel to say that to you.  I don't understand people & the way they think.  They do not know someone's feelings & pain.  The counselor I went to smiled while she ask questions & I was crying.  I knew I would not go back & just wanted to leave as quick as I could.  I did CPR on my Mom until the ambulance got there.  The counselor ask if I had ever done CPR before & I told her no, but I had taken a class.  I wanted to save my Mom so much.  I still have flashbacks to that day & always will.  I will miss her the rest of my life.  After that experience with a counselor, I don't think I can go to another one.  My heart goes out to you & what you have been through.  I understand, 

Comment by Theresa on August 8, 2019 at 8:23am

Sue I went to a grief support group at my church do you know what one guy said to me and he was a surgeon when I was telling my moms story he said well what did you want she was 92 how about that I never went back

 He acted like I shouldn’t be grieving he’s there because his 26-year-old daughter died from appendicitis or pancreatitis or something I was in shock how rude he was 

Comment by Sue Toler on August 8, 2019 at 6:01am

Brett, thanks, I went to a counselor & never went back.  It didn't help.  I felt worse.  I have one sibling, a brother, but he was not that close to Mom.  I lived with her & took care of her.  I feel lucky, blessed that I could be there for her.  I know how you feel about grieving.  I am still grieving & am definitely not over it.  I will never stop missing Mom.  Part of my life is gone, the really good part.  I am so sorry for what you have gone through with your family.  I am angry at a niece & the way she treated my Mom just before she passed.  I learned not to trust family.  Take care, 

Comment by Theresa on August 8, 2019 at 5:44am

Brett  I agree with you 100% the same exact thing occurred with me my friends my family for goodness sake half of my mothers family never even acknowledged her passing 

 I feel a special connection with you something has brought us to befriend each other  i’m so glad that somebody else understands how I feel anyway it’s nice to have everyone to talk to on here feels like we’re all friends but we’re so far away

 Sometimes we think why does no one else seem to understand how I feel or they’ll say to me your mother had a good life I said how do you know what kind a life my mother had I said my mom was here through the depression my mother some days didn’t have food to put on the table of course I was not born yet my brother was he told me that grandma knew how to make a lot of meals with potatoes 

 I’m so fortunate that I had my mom during the time that I did and  I was fortunate enough to have a kind and loving caring mom who I miss with every breath 

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 7, 2019 at 11:10pm

Sue, I went through grief counseling and I cleaned out the books on grief at my local library. None of it helped. I'm not knocking it. Those classes and books help a lot of people. Didn't help me though.

I will tell you what especially didn't help. My brother calling me the day after my mom died (Christmas Day) and asking me which was the biggest television in the house. He reduced my mom to a television. My sister, who was angry that mom didn't choose her as her caretaker, who would call me every day and tell me all the ways that I had let mom down in my lifetime. Or my other brother who just saw mom as a bank account and never knew what a wonderful woman she was.

It didn't help that my friends gave me about a month to grieve and then acted like I had mental problems because I was no longer the life of the party. There was my minister who I had made an appointment with, who just kept looking at the clock over my head while I was talking.

It was not having a support system that broke me down. I still do not.

Theresa, I swear (I try not to swear), you and I are like brother and sister. I understand everything that you say. Less than a week separates our mother's death. We are the same age, and we mostly have the same issues. I really believe that if you live close by that we would be best friends. You are dear to me.

All of you are dear to me. If I ever figure this out, you will be the first people that I tell.

Comment by Theresa on August 7, 2019 at 5:41pm

Sue My mom was the same way I never realized how many peoples lives she touched until she was gone  all the way down to the guy at the 7-Eleven the guy at the Acme everywhere in her hometown she was kind compassionate caring she always calmed me down because I’m a big worrywart I have no one now that understands anyway except for everyone on here believe me I’m right there with you I don’t care if it’s been one day one year two years three years I still feel the same.    Is it as strong the pain and the sadness I would say you come to terms with the “new normal” but I still cry I miss her so much so much I keep saying I know one day I’ll see you again mom I know you’ll be waiting for me  when my time comes.  Sometimes I just can’t put into words how I feel I have to say the first year I can’t remember I was in such a fog I don’t know how I functioned.   This December will be four years everybody else has gone on  and if I mention my mom they say that was years ago and I say you still have your mother you have no idea     My mom and I had a special relationship she had me when she was 42 and we were very very close or used to call her probably 10 times a day to make sure she was OK just to hear her voice  and make sure that she was OK wherever she was home out if she was out I would say call me when you get home 

 

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