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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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New here 3 Replies

Started by Lynn Fisher. Last reply by Brett Bowman Jul 12.

Never ending 4 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Brenda Ann Jan 11.

Does it ever end? 5 Replies

Started by Betty Ellsworth. Last reply by Sun Oct 29, 2018.

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Comment by Brett Bowman on January 17, 2019 at 10:12pm

There's something that has been on my mind lately and this is the best place to mention it. As much as I feared and dreaded my mom's death, I sort of felt like something good would happen, maybe not right away, but eventually. Like Karma would be looking out for me. The past three years without my mom has been horrible, one bad things after another. I don't understand. And while it hasn't challenged my faith in God, it has made me realize that I do not understand how God works. I just can't believe that after a 12 year battle with my mom's health, and all of the fear and trauma that came with it, that God would say, "Now I'm really going to kick his tail." It doesn't make sense. I am told that God loves us so much that he is sad when we are sad. I could make a list of setbacks that have occurred since my mom died. It just doesn't stop. The faith in me makes me believe that there is a reason for all of this. I just don't know what that reason is.

Comment by Avi on January 16, 2019 at 12:45am

Thanks M adams and Brett. Will wait for that time when I get over the guilt. 

Starting my day with positive today. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 15, 2019 at 2:16pm

Avi, I agree with M. I'm not one to give advice because I have not conquered those guilty feelings either. I have a feeling, and that is all I can go by, that one day we will grow tired of beating ourselves up, and that's when we will take a greater step towards healing. Our moms know very well how much we love them.

Comment by M Adams on January 15, 2019 at 11:53am

Avi, so good to hear that you can feel celebratory.  Engaging in life is important, it is something every parent wants for their child.  At the same time, I think in bereavement it’s hard to handle celebratory occasions because our emotions are so volatile and exacerbated.  There may be moments of beauty, then a crash into feelings of pointlessness, absurdity, resentment, whatever. That’s why I didn’t want to be bothered with my birthday this year, so close to my mother’s death, I just felt I couldn’t maintain composure and still get any joy from the experience.  And I’m tired of people tolerating my tears and sorrow, especially family members who just don’t share my feelings of loss.  In the end I was forced to do it and it was okay, but not joyful for me.  Ideally I think it’s better when you can decide what kind of events and celebrations are right for you, have some control ... but that’s not always workable.  Hope your little girl is brightening your days in this new year.

Comment by Avi on January 15, 2019 at 8:56am

Hi All, 

Just returned from a small trip in India only. Whenever I celebrate, I feel guilty. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 11, 2019 at 2:33pm

I never thought that your mom wasn't tidy. When my mom got really sick, her ways didn't change. She would say, "How does the kitchen look?" I would tell her that it was fine, but she would say, "Get in there and clean it up." Even if it was clean I would make cleaning noises to appease her. Mom got a rumba vacuum cleaner because she couldn't vacuum every day anymore. It was adorable. Mom didn't understand modern technology. She would talk to it. After it made several passes in one room, mom would say to it, "Go on and get my room now." When the it ignored her she would say, "Now, you listen to me!! Git!!"

Comment by M Adams on January 11, 2019 at 1:51pm

Just to be clear, my mother also liked things kept tidy and despite her health issues made the bed every day, though not necessarily first thing.  I definitely didn’t mean to suggest that we got into an unmade bed to watch afternoon tv — she would not like that imputation at all!   

To my surprise, my determinedly undomesticated father has been making the bed every morning since my mother’s death.  He did occasionally help her change the bed and so on, but I never had the impression that he cared about beds being made.  Obviously he does now.

Comment by Theresa on January 11, 2019 at 5:53am

Brett, my mom did the same she made her bed every day, and the day before she went to the hospital in the ambulance, I got to her house and her bed was made....

I do the same...

Comment by Brett Bowman on January 7, 2019 at 9:12pm

I never really outgrew laying down next to my mom. She outgrew it for me. Mom was real fussy about her bed. Her mom was, too. Mom would make up her bed all the way through her sickness. I don't know how she did it but she did. There came a point when I would lat down next to my mom out of necessity and she was too sick to argue. I needed to be there in case she needed me. Mom was never a mushy person, but she relented in the end. She would let me hold her hand. I guess she knew that time was running out and that I needed that.

Comment by M Adams on January 7, 2019 at 4:50pm

Brett, you brought back a memory — for some reason I never became grownup enough to not lie down in the big bed with my mom.  In the last few years we would go in there, close the door, get under the covers, and watch an old movie on the barely functioning bedroom tv whenever my father took an impromptu nap in the den, where the “good” television is.  It was often more hanging out and talking, putting on hand cream, etc., than serious movie watching.  When my father would eventually wake up he would always throw the door open dramatically and express some degree of outrage at our sneaking off.

 

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